deepundergroundpoetry.com
Geneva
Arriving last night
into a war zone,
a blazing sauce pot
of sizable tensions
dark sentiments
with half-baked sweetness...
The three of you
each a world onto your own,
gravity by blood ties
tides and magnetism prevalent,
clashing and rupturing
your interactions necessary.
A wine and kiss for you,
a separation of the other two
negotiations: aloe vera to sunburn...
no further hostiles required.
you called me Geneva,
even a treaty with your exwife.
into a war zone,
a blazing sauce pot
of sizable tensions
dark sentiments
with half-baked sweetness...
The three of you
each a world onto your own,
gravity by blood ties
tides and magnetism prevalent,
clashing and rupturing
your interactions necessary.
A wine and kiss for you,
a separation of the other two
negotiations: aloe vera to sunburn...
no further hostiles required.
you called me Geneva,
even a treaty with your exwife.
Published 27th Jun 2014
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 0
comments 12
reads 977
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
27th Jun 2014 4:17am
27th Jun 2014 4:36am
Yeah, he had a big couple of days and the kids were driving him crazy lol... gotta love domestic bliss :P x
Anonymous
- Edited 27th Jun 2014 12:58pm
27th Jun 2014 4:24am
<< post removed >>
27th Jun 2014 4:37am
I think maybe you've read this out of context... Thank you for your comment though.
27th Jun 2014 6:41am
you're probably going to need to go with arrived, because it was last night so in the past. maybe even stick : after warzone
Arrived last night
into a war zone:
a blazing sauce pot
of sizable tensions
dark sentiments
with half-baked sweetness
maybe switch onto to unto
gravity by blood ties, ok so you're talking 'bout siblings or kids. the line itself though is over complicated (I think) maybe tethered by blood line or some such.
the last three lines of that stanza get very abstract in comparison with the rest of the body maybe have a think about simplifying it a little
last stanza like the first is very good though I think you could elaborate a little with the last line
all in though, an enjoyable read, fair play keep shinnin'
Arrived last night
into a war zone:
a blazing sauce pot
of sizable tensions
dark sentiments
with half-baked sweetness
maybe switch onto to unto
gravity by blood ties, ok so you're talking 'bout siblings or kids. the line itself though is over complicated (I think) maybe tethered by blood line or some such.
the last three lines of that stanza get very abstract in comparison with the rest of the body maybe have a think about simplifying it a little
last stanza like the first is very good though I think you could elaborate a little with the last line
all in though, an enjoyable read, fair play keep shinnin'
27th Jun 2014 10:32am
It’s called honest critique, and honest opinion ..based on a tiny knowledge of grammar and a small understanding of constructive suggestion. I’ve no doubt that the poet will read it in the spirit it was written. I spent a fair amount of time working out my thoughts here as I do with most of my honest critique
27th Jun 2014 10:08pm
Nobody wants your grammar corrections. Get off your high horse. Enjoy the content for what it is.
my opolagies Glass heart.
why are you trying to make someone’s poem a battleground. if you have something to say and want an audience then start a thread and give me a piece of your mind.
why are you trying to make someone’s poem a battleground. if you have something to say and want an audience then start a thread and give me a piece of your mind.
27th Jun 2014 7:03pm
I guess we could all
write each others poems
differently, but I think "arriving
last night" works well...
write each others poems
differently, but I think "arriving
last night" works well...
4th Jul 2014 5:11am
4th Jul 2014 4:42am
this is captivating reading, very artfully done. & your ending brings the title into sharp perspective...
