deepundergroundpoetry.com
Breathing Steam
I'm breathing a little steam today
Forgive me if you get burned.
I don't mean to seem angry
But at least your heads have turned.
This dragon here can speak your language
And has a few things on its mind
Just a few requests from you and
I'll return the favor in kind.
I don't sit upon piles of gold,
I'm just not into that stuff.
All I ask is for honest critique
When my words are full of fluff.
Forgive me if you get burned.
I don't mean to seem angry
But at least your heads have turned.
This dragon here can speak your language
And has a few things on its mind
Just a few requests from you and
I'll return the favor in kind.
I don't sit upon piles of gold,
I'm just not into that stuff.
All I ask is for honest critique
When my words are full of fluff.
Published 2nd May 2014
| Edited 18th Mar 2018
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 7
reading list entries 1
comments 8
reads 944
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
2nd May 2014 11:57pm
That's the spirit. Like I said, Dragon, hope to still see you around. Devlin.
Yes well it would seem you are extremely versed in many style of writing Sky and good at it,
very >:)
I will also mention
that you are beating a dead horse to eat.
This site, for a lot of members is
just as much a social experience as is the writing.
Having said that, you should know a lot of the members here can be quite young both mentally and in age and both :D
and really, may not be able to critique in the way that you obviously can. So try and enjoy what this site has to offer and even though all that glitters is not gold, in time you will be calling this place
your part time
home:)
So, Okay, Didn't actually enjoy the last stanza as much as the first two it seemed a bit forced and crowed if you don't mind me saying.
I think for me it would the flow me a little better
if you apply , less is best :)
"Not made of glass,I will not brake
and on that you can rely,
I simply want a real critique
even if
it makes you cry.
Or something like that.?
idk JMO
Great expression
Zazzles
very >:)
I will also mention
that you are beating a dead horse to eat.
This site, for a lot of members is
just as much a social experience as is the writing.
Having said that, you should know a lot of the members here can be quite young both mentally and in age and both :D
and really, may not be able to critique in the way that you obviously can. So try and enjoy what this site has to offer and even though all that glitters is not gold, in time you will be calling this place
your part time
home:)
So, Okay, Didn't actually enjoy the last stanza as much as the first two it seemed a bit forced and crowed if you don't mind me saying.
I think for me it would the flow me a little better
if you apply , less is best :)
"Not made of glass,I will not brake
and on that you can rely,
I simply want a real critique
even if
it makes you cry.
Or something like that.?
idk JMO
Great expression
Zazzles
3rd May 2014 1:11am
Zazzles--thank you! I'm beaming. That was possibly the best critique I've received on my poems here so far.
I wanted to keep a certain rhythm to it and I liked your allusion to glass breaking idea, so I put it my own words and added another stanza.
What do you think of this?:
My desire doesn't glimmer and gleam
Like a cave full of gold
I don't ask for what you can't give,
It's nothing you can hold
I want your critiques in full
I promise I won't shatter
But where words are concerned,
It's honesty that matters.
Does the "it's nothing you can hold" part seem intriguing or weak to you?
I wanted to keep a certain rhythm to it and I liked your allusion to glass breaking idea, so I put it my own words and added another stanza.
What do you think of this?:
My desire doesn't glimmer and gleam
Like a cave full of gold
I don't ask for what you can't give,
It's nothing you can hold
I want your critiques in full
I promise I won't shatter
But where words are concerned,
It's honesty that matters.
Does the "it's nothing you can hold" part seem intriguing or weak to you?
Try this?
My desire doesn't glimmer
Like a cave full of gold,
I don't ask you
what you can't give,
and it's nothing
you can hold.
I want critiques in full
and< I promise I won't shatter
it's all about the words my friends
It's honesty that matters!
Perfect! Of course you see I adjusted
it a bit. See to me a rhyming scheme which we know there are many but once one is started in a certain style it must be consistent with syllables to rhyme without effort from the reader
Ex:
Taste the cake it's ready now 7
and I wanted you to try 7
not to many get this chance 7
so if I were you I'd try 7
see?
Sometimes though weirdly enough if your off by a smidgen it works too like this
I want critiques in full 6
I promise I won't shatter 7
it's all about the words my friends 8
It's honesty that matters! 7
Zazzles
My desire doesn't glimmer
Like a cave full of gold,
I don't ask you
what you can't give,
and it's nothing
you can hold.
I want critiques in full
and< I promise I won't shatter
it's all about the words my friends
It's honesty that matters!
Perfect! Of course you see I adjusted
it a bit. See to me a rhyming scheme which we know there are many but once one is started in a certain style it must be consistent with syllables to rhyme without effort from the reader
Ex:
Taste the cake it's ready now 7
and I wanted you to try 7
not to many get this chance 7
so if I were you I'd try 7
see?
Sometimes though weirdly enough if your off by a smidgen it works too like this
I want critiques in full 6
I promise I won't shatter 7
it's all about the words my friends 8
It's honesty that matters! 7
Zazzles
3rd May 2014 1:35am
5th May 2014 11:20pm
YAY! A short poem. Thankya, thankya, thankya. can't see too good and I have an attention span of a 3 year old. o_O
Pace yourself on here dear sir,
*if you ink it.....they will come. *
Pace yourself on here dear sir,
*if you ink it.....they will come. *
Anonymous
- Edited 25th May 2014 6:34pm
25th May 2014 5:42pm
Dear Dragon,
I see your piece as honest and expressive.
I don't particularly like it when people rewrite an entire 3-4 lines of my work...in your piece, only the last line stood out to me as odd.
I don't know if anyone else noticed that, but I'd like to see it reworded.
The first word: "Where..." is what threw me. I dunno, perhaps I've not seen such wording before, is all.
Otherwise, I LOVED every single word of the piece.
Pr
I see your piece as honest and expressive.
I don't particularly like it when people rewrite an entire 3-4 lines of my work...in your piece, only the last line stood out to me as odd.
I don't know if anyone else noticed that, but I'd like to see it reworded.
The first word: "Where..." is what threw me. I dunno, perhaps I've not seen such wording before, is all.
Otherwise, I LOVED every single word of the piece.
Pr
18th Mar 2018 12:34pm
...only took 4 years, but I fixed the word! ;) Thank you for the critique.
I'm still wondering if I should add the other (additional/replacement) stanzas I came up with in a previous response, but for now I'll leave the poem as-is. I thought about it a bit and I feel like the shorter length reflects the mood better...it's supposed to be a frustrated little outburst, not necessarily a long spiel.
I'm still wondering if I should add the other (additional/replacement) stanzas I came up with in a previous response, but for now I'll leave the poem as-is. I thought about it a bit and I feel like the shorter length reflects the mood better...it's supposed to be a frustrated little outburst, not necessarily a long spiel.
