Bully

Do you know how I feel?
When the feeling of their jaw against my fist fills me with pleasure..and the taste of black and blue just confirms I am the victor. They generate the smile on my face through the sadness in theirs. I absorb the tears from their eyes into the pores of my skin.
Bully.
I breathe in every scream that develops from their defenseless mouths.
Bully.
My words will fly from my lips and cut the mere idea of you in two.
Bully.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones" But my words...will kill you. And I'll make them believe that it's their fault. It's their fault. It has to be their fault.
Do you know how I feel? How I feel when the touch of their skin against my jaw fills me with anger and the taste of black and blue just confirms I am the victim. They claim they listen, but can they hear the distant taunting that drowns me in a pool of comments that kill my self esteem? And the constant monster that haunts me when I look in the mirror..since they claim that the monster lives within me. Because I can hear that and the whispers. The whispers that claim to know my story. But I know my life story like the back of my hands. Because my left hand was beaten when I tried to cover my face..when i was jumped right before class.
And my right hand was always wiping the tears that ran down my face when I remembered my past. My past has a beginning, but no end. Never alone because I lived life with fear as though it was my friend. My only friend. Since those who I call friends make fun of my clothes since they have holes from all the long walks I have to take to a house I do not call home. A place where you're supposed to feel safe and warm. A place you run to for shelter within the storm. But when it rains, i walk slow. To wash away the pain that I gained from the day before. Because I'd rather listen to the rain until the night becomes day instead of the voices that agree that my name should be changed to weirdo. But that wasn't the only name I heard.
I went to school to learn. And every day I learned a new word. They called me ugly. Fat. Stupid.
Do you know how alone I feel? When the touch of their skin against my fist fills me with pleasure. And the taste of black and blue just confirms I am the victor...but their eyes. The way their eyes hit me like ten thousand speeding bullets. Not unlike the unlimited ammunition emerging from my broken home. one parent's a drunk and the other one's  gone. I...I load my lunch box with the grenades that were drilled unto my bones and I threw myself at you. So that when my body makes impact onto yours, I will take you down with me.
Down. The only place I'm going. Can't anyone tell that this is a cry for help? That I need your help. I need. Help. Why doesn't anyone...hear me?
I mean, I clearly remember burning that car and hitting that kid. How much louder do I need to be for you to hear me?
Do you know how alone i feel? When the touch of their skin against my jaw fills me with anger. And the taste of black and blue just confirms I am a victim. But those who know how to listen..listen to my voice. For you have the power to listen unlike those who pull you down. Those who live among us resembling the face of fire that lives within thr ground. Hear me say Ignore the sounds. Despite the fact that I can't clearly see, listen to me. understand your ways. Because I understand your ways. Your frustration day after day when you were called name after name. I understand. Why you would rather stay anywhere else but home because despite all the people around you, you still feel alone. I know. I know. I understand why you stay up all night crying to sleep, trying to sleep. because the voices in your dreams are calling you weak. Week after week. To you I say you can do great things. You can create things. Draw. Dance. Sing. Dream. The victim. The bully. Are not as they seem. To fix the problem, i have to begin with me.