deepundergroundpoetry.com
Eleven, Intact
I climbed a tree and sat at the top
for hours. Legs numb, mind rattling
with broken marbles.
I scowled and yelled at withering
glances upwards. Most people walked
on, shaking their heads.
Dina, Mike and Pete found me,
looked up. I picked figs, nibbled,
giving them the finger.
They grinned and scrambled up.
Shortly after, Madame Bouchard lost
her hat to fig splats.
Mr Glanos had to run faster
for his bus. We laughed, choking
on tears, gasping
for breath. That day was one
of the last when I lived
no further than each hour.
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likes 10
reading list entries 1
comments 20
reads 972
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The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Eleven, Intact
20th Feb 2014 10:45pm
Well done mam.....a captured moment....I dont believe in the ol cliche saying...
a certain amount of words. Not even that many Is worth a thousand pictures...I llike that reverse much better. You have done that here miss A.....
a certain amount of words. Not even that many Is worth a thousand pictures...I llike that reverse much better. You have done that here miss A.....
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re: Re: Eleven, Intact
20th Feb 2014 10:59pm
Well, thank you, jr! I have coaxed a rare comment out of you, so I'm happy, and pleased you like it.
:)
:)
Re: Eleven, Intact
20th Feb 2014 10:46pm
brings back great memories of my childhood spent in a tree.. awesome inking Atakti :) much love Crim
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re: Re: Eleven, Intact
20th Feb 2014 11:01pm
Re: Eleven, Intact
20th Feb 2014 11:52pm
great free lines Atakti
- reminds me of the last line of the film Stand By Me - "I never had any friends later on like the one's I had when I was twelve - Jesus does anyone..."
- reminds me of the last line of the film Stand By Me - "I never had any friends later on like the one's I had when I was twelve - Jesus does anyone..."
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re: Re: Eleven, Intact
20th Feb 2014 11:55pm
When I started writing this, all I knew is that I wanted to write about friends... Thanks for comparing this to that awesome feeling in the movie, Whale!
Re: Eleven, Intact
Anonymous
21st Feb 2014 1:45am
<< post removed >>

re: Re: Eleven, Intact
21st Feb 2014 5:35am
Yes, that is the kernel of my musings, Gabriel, you found it. Thank you so much!
:)
:)
Re: Eleven, Intact
Anonymous
21st Feb 2014 6:10am
Blessed memories! So solid in guiding us to your youth, thank you!

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re: Re: Eleven, Intact
21st Feb 2014 8:08am
Re: Eleven, Intact
21st Feb 2014 7:47am
re: Re: Eleven, Intact
21st Feb 2014 8:09am
Re: Eleven, Intact
21st Feb 2014 12:59pm
Nice job here Atakti, It gives a wonderful insight into your giddy trouble making persona. Reads like words should, in that they set the mind to picture you atop a tree throwing figs about and giving the finger to passers by. Comical throughout until the last stanza which brings it all to a different dimension, nice trick.
I'll not go on about your crazy line breaks..
great stuff missus, shine on
I'll not go on about your crazy line breaks..
great stuff missus, shine on
1

re: Re: Eleven, Intact
21st Feb 2014 6:02pm
Trouble, me? Thought I'd fooled most everyone...
Thank you, Craic. Always a pleasure when you leave a mark on my walls.
Thank you, Craic. Always a pleasure when you leave a mark on my walls.
Re: Eleven, Intact
22nd Feb 2014 9:47pm
Ahhh those carefree days, shame we have to grow up.
Great stuff Atakti. The visual is vivid and it takes us there. :)
Great stuff Atakti. The visual is vivid and it takes us there. :)
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re: Re: Eleven, Intact
24th Feb 2014 5:28am
Re: Eleven, Intact
Anonymous
23rd Feb 2014 8:03pm
Such a great poem, I was thinking back of childhood, there comes a day when you suddenly realize you are beyond a phase and a new one is starting....great craft!

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re: Re: Eleven, Intact
24th Feb 2014 5:30am
I still climb trees, Mourganna, but not often enough... Actually, it's been a while, haha. Thank you.
;)
;)
Re: Eleven, Intact
24th Feb 2014 11:29am
Stunning poem, Atakti. This reminded me of the lyrics to one of my favourite songs "Kentucky Avenue" by Tom Waits. The innocents and carefree ways at childhood is captured perfectly in a scene set around a fruit tree [we had a mulberry tree].
The poem itself is very well written and reads well, enhanced by nice little tricks like breaking the readers breath when starting the last stanza...
"gasping for breath" [deftly]
The poem itself is very well written and reads well, enhanced by nice little tricks like breaking the readers breath when starting the last stanza...
"gasping for breath" [deftly]
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re: Re: Eleven, Intact
24th Feb 2014 10:29pm
Oh, hey, thanks for the "stunning" comment! It was a feeling, gratitude for friendships, actually, that prompted this. I don't quite know how the ink trickled down memory lane (in a fashion, it's mostly fictional), but I'm glad I followed.
I'm pleased you liked this, Case, thank you.
I'm pleased you liked this, Case, thank you.