Pinned questions on grief

 “I am nobody. I’m just an ant…”

The thought came unbidden, and I wasn’t sure if it made me feel
better or worse. It’s so much better seeing the big picture,
right? I paused, my eyes not quite focusing on the ceiling light
fixture as I lay staring upwards. A cool tear stopped its track
towards my ear in sympathy, and I explored the idea. A little ant
hasn’t got that many things to worry about, surely? And one ant
is hardly going to call the attention of the universe to it.

Then I remembered how much an ant is capable of carrying in
relation to its weight, and the whole burden of the grief re-grew
to the size of the bed, then the bedroom, then the house. I felt
it crushing me again. It is nearly one year since my mother died,
and some emotional cheques were being cashed in, whether I was
ready or not.

What’s the point of emotions? They get in the way of one’s
schedule, regardless of the meaningless tasks that have been
planned. All I want to do is numb myself — with a film, the
internet, or maybe some of the more repetitive work that I could
do on autopilot. Other things people do to avoid difficult
emotions include drugs, drinking, smoking, gaming, food, sex… if
you name it, I’m certain there is someone out there will be doing
it to avoid feeling a certain emotion.

I read a book recently called ‘The Long Earth’ by Terry Pratchett
and Stephen Baxter. There is an intriguing character in it called
Lobsang, who has managed to keep his consciousness alive via
digital and artificial means. He certainly caught my attention.
For a start, his memory was impeccable. Imagine if any thought
you had, or data you learnt could be recalled at will from a hard
drive.

W-o-w.

The next thing I realized was that Lobsang didn’t need to feed
himself, or sleep. I was envious at the idea of the luxury of
hours! Working and exploring without having to stop for a ham
sandwich or a nap – that’s bliss.

I don’t know if Lobsang can feel emotions — he was once human, a
man from Tibet, if I remember correctly. I have only read it
once, for the plot. No doubt I will read it again to pick up on
the subtler details, and look for clues. But for now, I wonder,
would I be happier without the baggage of glands? That is the
root of emotions, glands. Certainly Lobsang seemed quite content,
existing with the memory of being human, but now much less
restricted in intellectual analysis and socio-political power.
Plus, with enough hard drive back-ups, he could live forever. I
remember the other, human, characters finding him both terrifying
and annoying for these qualities.

I’m not the first person to despair at the restrictions of being
human. I’ll just briefly point towards the invention of the
superheroes and their powers. Most stories include a satisfactory
conclusion that came as a direct result of some fabulous super
power. Oh, and what about the classic ‘Frankenstein’, only one of
hundreds of books addressing the need to vanquish the limitations
of death? You can look at any of the supernatural genres, it’s
more of the same, the need to acquire immortality (or a damn
close approximation) or at least one ability that gives an
advantage over the average human. Look at vampires, werewolves,
witches, wizards, zombies… Choose a power. Choose a form in which
to spend eternity! Well, you know, unless you choose vampire and
you run into a garlic sandwich – apparently.

But, no, I reject all the above, except for Lobsang. Even
werewolves have glands and feelings, right? Well, at least anger
and lust for blood seems to feature in there somewhere…  I must
examine further this wish I have to do away with emotions.

Haven’t we been conditioned socially to reject negative emotions?
Smile, don’t worry, enjoy, have fun, have a laugh, have a nice
day, until some gland inside spurts out some hormones guaranteed
to twist your brain, and your face.

We have to present positive emotions, at the workplace or to
neighbors, children or the guy at the corner store. It is
politeness, at the very least, to not show anger, sadness or
fear, and if not politeness, then an unwillingness to show
vulnerability. That is a whole other BIG topic, which I won’t
explore just now.

For those who have shed the restrictions of politeness, there are
still other limitations in place. Let’s see, how many people have
urinated in an outdoor public place? Or had sex? Yelled, fought,
panicked… These are all actions that might shame the person doing
them, especially in the sober light of Sunday noon. Or maybe 2
pm, depending on intoxication levels… I bet the number of people
who have cried are much lower. Even lower, is the number of
people who would share that information with others, after the
fact.

Sure, it’s easy to relate the story, “we were so trashed; we took
out three guys, a taxi driver and a kebab van.” Some even take
pride in that. But it’s a rare person who will say, “I left the
cemetery, then I sat on the edge of the wall and cried.” I think
that expressing sadness and grief is still private. It may be one
of the last things that aren’t on YouTube. (OK, I just stopped
and went to have a quick look, because the internet is like the
goddamn Wild West. Any crying I found is incidental to some
interview, or family ‘discussion’ or tears of anger. I don’t have
the patience to look deeper at the minute, but I would be really
surprised to see anyone uploading a video of themselves crying
from pure sadness or grief. Oh, for a laugh, when I searched
YouTube for ‘urinating on streets’ and ‘sex in public’ the number
of videos returned were 6,780 and 2,140,000 respectively. This
proves little but is amusing, nevertheless.)

I will stop typing now, and maybe try to get some practical
things done, like paying a bill or cooking some chicken. My
mind will drift again, and maybe I will be sad and angry and
overwhelmed. Maybe afterwards, I can dream up a reality where
tears and grief don’t feature and see if that comforts or
terrifies me.