deepundergroundpoetry.com
Bastardized English
Brainwashed by the bastardized english
I was taught since birth
I would so love to wrap myself
In dark metaphors
Like a warm blanket covering my raw pain
Not showing where it hurts.
Compelled to write but like a blunt instrument
The American language just put's it all out there
Naked left to stand alone
Like a bare tree bereft of her leaves
Shaken by the machine that cranks out
Defecated bile from it's ego maniacal guts.
I love America but I feel the melting pot
Bled my european heritage dry
With the need to fit
I find most people boring
Without point or argument
I hate American t.v. it's mostly garbage
Stuffed down my throat I vomit.
I love learning about history, art
There are still some beautiful cultures here
That refused to be melted and twisted like a ball of colorful wax
Refused to be turned into that sickly army green
They have retained who they are, I wish that was me.
My brain like a computer
Programmed on auto pilot
I think and speak as i've seen
I need to embrace my heritage
Love America but learn some culture.
Metaphors, imagery
Bring the reader in I will persist
In learning this talent
Cause my brain to travel routes unexplored
Read the classics, learn to create some art.
I was taught since birth
I would so love to wrap myself
In dark metaphors
Like a warm blanket covering my raw pain
Not showing where it hurts.
Compelled to write but like a blunt instrument
The American language just put's it all out there
Naked left to stand alone
Like a bare tree bereft of her leaves
Shaken by the machine that cranks out
Defecated bile from it's ego maniacal guts.
I love America but I feel the melting pot
Bled my european heritage dry
With the need to fit
I find most people boring
Without point or argument
I hate American t.v. it's mostly garbage
Stuffed down my throat I vomit.
I love learning about history, art
There are still some beautiful cultures here
That refused to be melted and twisted like a ball of colorful wax
Refused to be turned into that sickly army green
They have retained who they are, I wish that was me.
My brain like a computer
Programmed on auto pilot
I think and speak as i've seen
I need to embrace my heritage
Love America but learn some culture.
Metaphors, imagery
Bring the reader in I will persist
In learning this talent
Cause my brain to travel routes unexplored
Read the classics, learn to create some art.
Published 18th Feb 2011
| Edited 21st Feb 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 2
reading list entries 2
comments 8
reads 1167
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
18th Feb 2011 5:42pm
Anonymous
18th Feb 2011 5:42pm
"That refused to melted and twisted like a ball of colorful wax,
Refused to be turned into that sickly army green,"
I agree about the American TV shows, though.
Awful stuff.
Refused to be turned into that sickly army green,"
I agree about the American TV shows, though.
Awful stuff.
18th Feb 2011 5:44pm
19th Feb 2011 1:18am
...is you finding your voice. Beautiful work, and well expressed.
Sadly, because you are coming on in leaps and bounds, you must be held to a higher standard...so here goes...
Spelling - metaphors
The last line - the word hopefully weakens the line, takes away from a strong ending...and is just you lacking the balls to write the line you wanted to write.
'defecated shit'....shit is the only thing we defecate, so the term displays a lack of understanding of the two words...maybe. Some would defend it as it lays, so ignore me if you wish.
Final point, very good job, and keep reading the classics, not the shit that passes for it 99 times out of 100 on here :-)
Sadly, because you are coming on in leaps and bounds, you must be held to a higher standard...so here goes...
Spelling - metaphors
The last line - the word hopefully weakens the line, takes away from a strong ending...and is just you lacking the balls to write the line you wanted to write.
'defecated shit'....shit is the only thing we defecate, so the term displays a lack of understanding of the two words...maybe. Some would defend it as it lays, so ignore me if you wish.
Final point, very good job, and keep reading the classics, not the shit that passes for it 99 times out of 100 on here :-)
19th Feb 2011 1:21am
Thank you for the encouragement as well..I am inspired to continue to find my voice..peace Crim
Anonymous
21st Feb 2011 2:25am
There are some charming moments here, but the rhythm is disrupted by too many commas. As there's no real rhyme scheme or meter, could all the punctuation be taken out? If you're uncomfortable with that, I'd suggest heavily trimming it: when a line flows into its successor, so they're essentially the same conjunction, remove the comma. For instance:
"Shaken by the machine that cranks out,
Defecated bile from it's ego maniacal guts."
A comma here doesn't quite make sense grammatically anyway. Whip it out and the rhythm would improve tenfold.
These are my favourite lines:
"Naked left to stand alone,
Like a bare tree bereft of her leaves"
"That refused to be melted and twisted like a ball of colorful wax"
A powerful poem with a potent message.
"Shaken by the machine that cranks out,
Defecated bile from it's ego maniacal guts."
A comma here doesn't quite make sense grammatically anyway. Whip it out and the rhythm would improve tenfold.
These are my favourite lines:
"Naked left to stand alone,
Like a bare tree bereft of her leaves"
"That refused to be melted and twisted like a ball of colorful wax"
A powerful poem with a potent message.
21st Feb 2011 2:28am
Thank you Jack i'll take out the punctuation so it flows better thank you for the encouraging comments and help..peace Crimsin :)
