deepundergroundpoetry.com
Venus and Mars
She thinks he's gazing
deep into her eyes
while he's really just
staring at her tits
It's the start of something
beautiful, she believes
as he thinks those words
with a different meaning
** I'm not sure about this one, from the title to the punctuation style to whether this piece should even bother existing. Thoughts? **
deep into her eyes
while he's really just
staring at her tits
It's the start of something
beautiful, she believes
as he thinks those words
with a different meaning
** I'm not sure about this one, from the title to the punctuation style to whether this piece should even bother existing. Thoughts? **
Published 17th Feb 2011
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
17th Feb 2011 2:43am
An honest write..i'll leave the suggestions to the more experienced..but I like the truth of it..peace Crimsin
17th Feb 2011 2:50am
17th Feb 2011 8:01pm
The topic is always a grand one, but it definitely seems incomplete.
17th Feb 2011 11:57pm
Yeah. I was trying to go for a quick snapshot of a moment in time, sort of like a haiku... Unfortunately, eight lines is about as close as my wordy style will allow me to come to a haiku. Maybe I'll come back to this one later.
29th Mar 2011 9:01pm
29th Mar 2011 9:52pm
Well that's just a big ball of existentialism that I'm not going to touch, ha... As to the second half, I don't know. I agree with Jamie, I will probably eventually expand it to actually say something more.
