deepundergroundpoetry.com

BY SURPRISE

Tackling your shield
Wrestling you to the floor
Holding you close
Your independence no more

Stripping you of your shy thoughts
Pulling you within the moment
I won't lose you
You've been a locked target for awhile now

Licking your lips softly
Inhaling your humbleness
Grounded in a Suburban wildernes

You are a hot nervous Panic
As My Growing thick inches it's way down your dampen thighs
The size of your mouth oh my
Your panties come down

Please don't fight it
This fighting temptation
You are in need of a good deep penetration
Mental laziness
Solid wood Infiltrating your concentration
I want to give you the hardest prize
Lick that sweet honey from your bee hive

I want you unpolitely excited
ignited
Combustion delighted
Peaking and climbing

Weakened of your whole and silenced
A butterfly in a intimate blizard
Born again

Ready to be..replinished

Written by C_wood13

Published 16th Jan 2014

All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.

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The author encourages honest critique.

Re: BY SURPRISE

Anonymous

16th Jan 2014 4:03pm

My critique is this, your rhyme scheme is not consistent in meter and it throws your reader off. The first stanza is good and in the second there is none. The third stanza is humbleness and wilderness. Wilderness has two S. Also it only has three lines. The fourth stanza is okay except your rhyming takes place in lines 2,3 and ins stanza 1 it was 2,4. Stanza 5 you have A, B, B, C, B, D, D. This is also inconsistent. Stanza 6 your return to the pattern of stanza 1. Stanza three there is no rhyming. Normally I wouldn't critique varying structure but when it comes to rhyming the stanza structure and rhyme scheme must be consistent or else your reader is reading the poem trying to adjust to each new rhythm of each stanza and doesn't have time to grasp the poem as whole. If you had no rhyme scheme, the structure would be fine.

Now, besides that, I really enjoyed this piece, although I had to read it a couple of times. Very sexy and good imagery. Your last line fits but ellipses are three dots not two, so, well done!!!