Is This Forever?

Is this really going to be my life, forever? I don’t think I can handle much more, I’m not sure how much longer I can pick the syringe caps up off of the floor. It’s nerve wracking to have your entire life be kept a secret and I’m terrible at remembering all the stories I tell to keep it buried, slipping up constantly with frequent inconsistencies. It’s no wonder none of my friends can ever believe a word that I say, they already know that I’m lying and who wants to be friends with someone who’s untrustworthy?

Am I always going to cry over link in the carpet, bursting into tears whenever my sock slips off of my foot? What about when I’m driving, am I always going to be anxious and swerving ‘cause my heart’s pounding too loud for me to concentrate? It’s getting fairly expensive and I can’t afford another traffic ticket, will I ever have my license reinstated? Will I ever be able to hold a job? Will I ever pass a drug test or will I always need to ask for someone else’s piss, eventually the nurses are going to catch onto this. My doctor can’t possibly be this stupid, can he?

How many more syringes will I drop behind the bed, how long until my mother finds one again? Will my tracks just keep growing, will they keep building until both of my arms are completely dead? Are my arms always going to embarrass my friends and my family in public? Will I ever be able to go to the mall without wearing long sleeves, people are starting to notice it’s no longer winter and I’m getting tired of sweating in this fever.

Please tell me this isn’t forever because I keep thinking about my future consisting of orange syringe caps in my sofa, blood stains on every shirt I own and forever missing the shoelaces to nearly every shoe. It’s not a pretty picture. It’s more like a sad movie, so low budget that it’s on with the infomercials in the middle of the night and only other tweakers worrying about their future will watch it. I’m sure this film will only overwhelm them more, maybe I should apologize to all those addicts now.

We all just want to know if we’ll always be trapped in this hell, we try and give up due to too many fails. We’re defeated, I’m defeated and I just want to know-- is this forever or could I have something more? Would it be foolish to think one day I won’t have strangers staring at me, that I’ll never accidently go shopping with dried blood on my arm again? That I won’t have to be humiliated when the cashier stares at that last place I injected? Eventually I’d like to have the option of going out with my friends, not having to worry about grabbing a jacket or what the temperature is. I won’t have to worry about the crash, I could actually go out for my friend’s birthday without struggling to catch my breath.

This isn’t forever, right? This is how things are right now and one day things are going to be alright. I need you to nod your head in agreement even if it’s just a lie, please. My box will always be painted red, it’ll always have your name carved into it.. Pandora’s box was opened for a reason.