I've lost who I am

To the father who
touched me in ways no father should touch his kin
to the boy who abandoned me when i needed him the most
i hope you're happy

you've destroyed my soul, consumed everything there was to it,
tore me to pieces and laughed.
you've taken a part of me I didn't even know was there
and I still am unaware
all I know is that inside I feel bare

Feelings turned to habits, habits turned to money and i tried buying happiness

Sinning every day to an extreme extent, going against what I ever thought was right,
just to buy some clothes I like.

Dress nicely to hide the monster thats inside; the lying piece of shit
you've made me.

I had no trust issues. Because to me, there was no such thing as trust.
There was no such thing as putting your everything into someone, and getting
that everything back to you, there was no loving someone that never caused pain to you,
everyone is against me, god and myself just to name a few.

So I stuck with that outlook and gave that outlook to someone who I thought I loved.
See, in this world 'loving' is exactly what our relationship consumed of.
Lies, excuses, hidden feelings and betrayal.
I didn't love him how I used to love. I loved him how the world taught me to.
And I should've been stronger, and smarter, to treasure him how I was supposed to.

See, I forgot what trust meant until I myself broke someone elses.
To gradually see his smile fade killed me
yet all I could think about was myself
So preoccupied on doing whatever it took to finally be happy
yet I ignored what would make him happy

The man who watched over me so I wouldn't harm myself,
The man who stayed with me through infidelity,
The man who put me before himself,
is the man who reminded me of trust and love.
is the man who I've hurt and stabbed from behind.

Now I've taught him something, finally.
That if you love you do it wisely.

I'm not the monster you think I am
I know what trust is
and now, love too.
I just wish you could see how far I'd go for you.