Voices

Some days I wake
feeling utterly empty
yet full of self loathing and doubt
An old familiar voice is there
to comfort me
bring me back to my senses
back to what I know to be real                

He takes a deep sigh
intending to seem compassionate
but I can tell he's delighted
Nevertheless he is the only one
who's stayed by me
all through my life


My dear, you know
I always give it to you straight
and it is time to open your eyes
You've been day-dreaming within
a nightmare for months now
You know how this ends
Just another number
never even in the top 10
Another notch on the bedpost
the only thing you're worth remembering for
I'm only trying to protect you
..reassure you
...remind you
that you are
Unworthy
Weak
Unlovable
..too flawed
...too broken
You know very well
that he cannot love you
for true unconditional love
will always elude you
They will dangle it before you
like a precious gem
but keep it just out of your reach
It's not your fault you know
They say God made us perfect in his image
so why is your brain wired with an illness?
My dear, you are a victim
..of circumstance
...of your environment
....of sickness
Keep me with you always
I'm the only one that understands
I'll always be here
..to reassure you
...to remind you


As I sink into the familiar comfort
of his soothing, condescending voice
I receive a text:
"We will make it through
follow your heart
not your mind
I'm here when you're ready"

I made a commitment
to grow, change and evolve
And here it is
I called forth this challenge
and I can't  choose to run from it
not again
It is time to start listening to
a different voice
at least until I can find and hear my own
But still...
sometimes his words are not enough
He is not in this bed next to me
and some days I wake
feeling utterly empty