deepundergroundpoetry.com
Breathless Predator
A veil of misty tears
suffocate kisses from morning light
the breakwall emerges from dragon’s breath
like black jagged teeth along the ocean fort
the metallic serpent meanders stealthily out of site
into the snake pit of ocean depths
quicksilver scales ripple silhouettes
along abandoned shorelines and smothered skies
drifting out amongst cold blooded breakers
suspended in space on rocking resin spine
awaiting the ferocity of my hunter
writhing fins warily cut mirrors in smooth arcs
breathless for fear of death
til hands clutch grit of foreboding shores.
This poem was written for the endless DARKSCAPE comp.
Published 18th Nov 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 9
reading list entries 2
comments 16
reads 1037
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
18th Nov 2013 8:32pm
Case
good job here, certainly packed with image, nice depth to it and sound-play
I've been debating suffocate V suffocates in my head. I think where the preceding word denotes multiple then suffocate (the tears suffocate) and for single, suffocates ..some shit like that
check 'site on line five, those as's aren't doing you any favors :) ..I'm starting a fundamentalist group who's core mission is to wipe 'as off the face of vocabulary
anyhow man, entirely worth reading. good stuff
shine on
good job here, certainly packed with image, nice depth to it and sound-play
I've been debating suffocate V suffocates in my head. I think where the preceding word denotes multiple then suffocate (the tears suffocate) and for single, suffocates ..some shit like that
check 'site on line five, those as's aren't doing you any favors :) ..I'm starting a fundamentalist group who's core mission is to wipe 'as off the face of vocabulary
anyhow man, entirely worth reading. good stuff
shine on
18th Nov 2013 8:54pm
Thanks, Craic for the edits, they stood out like dogs balls ass soon as you pointed them out...
and your mission to wipe 'as off the face of vocabulary, sounds like a evil but genius plot, I'm up for the challenge!!! I think "as" was a last second/half ass effort to give some continuity between the lines when I restructured the poem... but you're right, I didn't need them. [delete] [delete].
Cheers mate for reading and for the great feedback.
and your mission to wipe 'as off the face of vocabulary, sounds like a evil but genius plot, I'm up for the challenge!!! I think "as" was a last second/half ass effort to give some continuity between the lines when I restructured the poem... but you're right, I didn't need them. [delete] [delete].
Cheers mate for reading and for the great feedback.
Anonymous
18th Nov 2013 10:30pm
The whole thing could equally be a giant metaphor for the sea, that's how it reads to me. I especially like the description of the jagged teeth, it seems to me that these could be cliffs, a description of landscape. Saying that, I guess this fits in well with the dark scape competition. The "cutting mirrors in smooth arcs" line is a highlight for me. The whole image runs so smoothly through the words. Beautiful imagery in this piece.
Thank you for the read.
Thank you for the read.
19th Nov 2013 6:23pm
The scene is set at a beach next to a river, which are separated by a manmade breakwall, protecting the entry into the river mouth. I was surfing at this particular breakwall on my own in a heavy fog when I encountered a shark, "cutting mirrors in smooth arcs."
I'm really stoked you liked this poem, Audeamus and I really appreciate your thoughts and super comments.
I'm really stoked you liked this poem, Audeamus and I really appreciate your thoughts and super comments.
Anonymous
19th Nov 2013 1:15am
Haunting and so visual. And I could hear it in your voice...
19th Nov 2013 6:25pm
Thanks Petit for reading and I'm pleased I could have an impact with a shorter piece for something different.
19th Nov 2013 6:25am
"writhing fins warily cut mirrors in smooth arcs"
mmmm, poetic yumminess!
I like where you've taken us, Case... This write feeds the imagination satisfyingly. More sea feasts, please...
mmmm, poetic yumminess!
I like where you've taken us, Case... This write feeds the imagination satisfyingly. More sea feasts, please...
19th Nov 2013 6:29pm
And when I saw that shark "writhing fins warily cut mirrors in smooth arcs," I'm sure it was thinking, yummy poet!
Just maybe you'll twist my arm for more sea feasts.
Thank you for reading and for dealing up your great comments, Atakti.
Just maybe you'll twist my arm for more sea feasts.
Thank you for reading and for dealing up your great comments, Atakti.
19th Nov 2013 6:38pm
Well, as is often a case... [mis]taken identity.
Thanks for hitting like hammer.
Thanks for hitting like hammer.
Anonymous
19th Nov 2013 11:32am
Like a hunter, out for its prey...
I was thinking of a snakes journey and even it shedding its skin, and a bit of the norwegian myth of the sea serpent midgardsormen is reflected in it...
Hunter and the hunted kind of tension here
Enjoyed this poem, Alexander!
I was thinking of a snakes journey and even it shedding its skin, and a bit of the norwegian myth of the sea serpent midgardsormen is reflected in it...
Hunter and the hunted kind of tension here
Enjoyed this poem, Alexander!
I use the Australian aboriginal mythological creature, the rainbow serpent as a metaphor and inspiration in many of my pieces about rivers and seas.
I'm glad you sensed the tension between hunter and hunted. The poem is actually based on an actual event, where I experienced a face to face encounter with an approaching shark on his dawn patrol at a beach I was surfing at.
Thank you so much for reading this piece and for your great comments.
I'm glad you sensed the tension between hunter and hunted. The poem is actually based on an actual event, where I experienced a face to face encounter with an approaching shark on his dawn patrol at a beach I was surfing at.
Thank you so much for reading this piece and for your great comments.
23rd Nov 2013 5:18pm
Wow!...Such an enjoyable variation--of what we have come to expect from you, my friend....with this piece,you have proven that your talent is multifaceted, to be certain!
Your uniquely remarkable imagery truly creates the moment of an unexpected encounter--between predator, and prey....the sudden rush of adrenalin, the heightened awareness as each anticipates the other's reaction.
I could feel the increased level of the underlying anxiety! I appreciate the intensity of your ink!
[My apologies for not commenting sooner:/
Your uniquely remarkable imagery truly creates the moment of an unexpected encounter--between predator, and prey....the sudden rush of adrenalin, the heightened awareness as each anticipates the other's reaction.
I could feel the increased level of the underlying anxiety! I appreciate the intensity of your ink!
[My apologies for not commenting sooner:/
DarkEnchantress, please never apologise for tardiness... you have no idea how far behind I am with commenting on my poet's poetry.
I'm always elated when you drop by for a read, to be sure. Thank you so much for your awesome comments, I was so stoked to read it on the weekend.
I would like to take this opportunity to invite you to grace the DARKSCAPE comp with your beautiful poetry, a poetry comp that is made for you, to be certain.
I'm always elated when you drop by for a read, to be sure. Thank you so much for your awesome comments, I was so stoked to read it on the weekend.
I would like to take this opportunity to invite you to grace the DARKSCAPE comp with your beautiful poetry, a poetry comp that is made for you, to be certain.
Case, you've done well here. I enjoyed the themes and metahoric comparison to oceans and sea. Vivid imagery and the use of grit to finish up worked nicely. Personifying the serpent through more concise images would've given it more impact, perhaps try and say as much as you can with as little as you can? I feel this could be clearer where if it were there, would leave more of an impact. I'll be following your updates, thank you for the read.
- Tacete.
- Tacete.
Thanks heaps for your comments, Tacete. I'm always interested to hear other poet's feedback and will take it into consideration next write.
Cheers mate and welcome to DU.
Cheers mate and welcome to DU.
