deepundergroundpoetry.com
coldness
Sitting right next to each other
[/font]Yet in our own separate worlds.[/font]
I ask questions[/font]
He replies with blunt answers
[/font]Am I slowly becoming invisible[/font] ?
The distance between us is fairly close
[/font]But yet I feel so distant[/font]
The warmth between us has turned cold
[/font]He's warped up in his own world[/font]
Whislt I'm entangled in my own painful one.[/font]
I wonder if he realises
That I came here to talk
[/font]Yet still he remains silent[/font]
Through the everlasting coldness[/font]
Maybe this is how it's destined to be[/font]
Perhaps the whole world[/font]
Is just slowly growing cold.[/font]
[/font]Yet in our own separate worlds.[/font]
I ask questions[/font]
He replies with blunt answers
[/font]Am I slowly becoming invisible[/font] ?
The distance between us is fairly close
[/font]But yet I feel so distant[/font]
The warmth between us has turned cold
[/font]He's warped up in his own world[/font]
Whislt I'm entangled in my own painful one.[/font]
I wonder if he realises
That I came here to talk
[/font]Yet still he remains silent[/font]
Through the everlasting coldness[/font]
Maybe this is how it's destined to be[/font]
Perhaps the whole world[/font]
Is just slowly growing cold.[/font]
Published 19th Jan 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
19th Jan 2011 4:21am
19th Jan 2011 5:48am
yeah. its hard to comment on a poem sometimes you just cant think of anything to suggest or anything critical haha. thanks . i do like my work to come across as deep xo
19th Jan 2011 11:12am
...to make this even better.
L2 separate
L6 change short for close
L10 entangled
L11 he not her
It's a good finish, tho I would use the more matter of fact 'Maybe' instead of 'perhaps' in L15.
'Perhaps' goes down to L16 which gives more breath and better pace before your groovy last line.
Oh & Inks - there's plenty more fish in the sea - so go swim.
Best ~ Abra
L2 separate
L6 change short for close
L10 entangled
L11 he not her
It's a good finish, tho I would use the more matter of fact 'Maybe' instead of 'perhaps' in L15.
'Perhaps' goes down to L16 which gives more breath and better pace before your groovy last line.
Oh & Inks - there's plenty more fish in the sea - so go swim.
Best ~ Abra
19th Jan 2011 11:49pm
19th Jan 2011 6:32pm
hey Abra,
haven't spoken to you in a while ! . hope you're good.
did those few tweaks... spelling is a bitch so thanks for pointing out those mistakes :) i know you've always got my back.. and thanks for a tip on the ending. it sounds better with that swap around. xo
yeah. i've decided the waters too cold atm :O
i'm just going to stay a single pringle (: focus more on my writing :) x
haven't spoken to you in a while ! . hope you're good.
did those few tweaks... spelling is a bitch so thanks for pointing out those mistakes :) i know you've always got my back.. and thanks for a tip on the ending. it sounds better with that swap around. xo
yeah. i've decided the waters too cold atm :O
i'm just going to stay a single pringle (: focus more on my writing :) x
20th Jan 2011 00:03am
I don't know what changes you've made but if you haven't I can't see too much wrong with it - maybe that's my standard of writing, I'm not sure but I found this stunning, insightive, like some of my blog essays but it so fewer words. I thoroughly enjoyed it.
20th Jan 2011 00:29am
hey eyah most the changes were little spelling ditties and i just swapper the words perhaps and maybe around .. apart from that no changes :) and thank you m'dear
20th Jan 2011 7:57am
Wow great poem. you expressed a feeling i know too well. im likin your work keep it up
25th Jan 2011 9:41pm
Anonymous
3rd Feb 2012 10:49pm
I can relate to this completely. An empty love realy hurts. You don't want to stay, but dont want to go. Been here. Great write.
