deepundergroundpoetry.com
on the inside.
ill admit it..
im ugly.
im lost.
im sick.
on the inside.
im suffering.
im crying.
im dying.
on the inside.
im sad.
im scared.
im a little boy.
on the inside
im ugly.
im lost.
im sick.
on the inside.
im suffering.
im crying.
im dying.
on the inside.
im sad.
im scared.
im a little boy.
on the inside
Published 18th Jan 2011
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 1
reading list entries 1
comments 3
reads 914
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
this reminds me of music. i don't have an opinion on that, just an observation. [:
maybe if you add more breadth to it? just because (it seems to me) the words are so often used that they don't have as much power as they need in such a short piece. (i might say as much for one of mine as well.) you should run with the idea of using the rest of the poem to get to the point of you being a little boy inside, that's good.
for examples of power in short pieces (on the site) you should read opheliac, and Heslopian, they pack a lot into very few words. [:
maybe if you add more breadth to it? just because (it seems to me) the words are so often used that they don't have as much power as they need in such a short piece. (i might say as much for one of mine as well.) you should run with the idea of using the rest of the poem to get to the point of you being a little boy inside, that's good.
for examples of power in short pieces (on the site) you should read opheliac, and Heslopian, they pack a lot into very few words. [:
18th Jan 2011 3:23pm
i completely agree with jessica!
add that spice to it which will make it worth reading and not just another cliche!
thank you for recommending me jess!
add that spice to it which will make it worth reading and not just another cliche!
thank you for recommending me jess!
24th Jan 2011 4:49am
i like it and don't think you should change a thing about it..maybe thats only because i don't believe in editing poem that have been finished..i think that changes what it means..i don't know ignore me i make no sense :)
