THE OTHER SIDE OF TENDERNESS (My AIDS Diary) ONE: The Other Side of Tenderness

The other side of tenderness
is raw lust
from dust to dust
we crawl
and whore our souls
for love

We call the odds
and sometimes fall
but when the glance is right
we dance our dance on wings
and clutch at flesh
all night

Life stings
and pays us back
upon the rack of love
we writhe
but only the fearless can survive
the other side of tenderness


On the last night of 1990, Cathy and Carlton went to bed early and were woken from their dreams by exploding fireworks at midnight. They lay in their separate rooms contemplating the advent of the New Year until they drifted back into sleep.

Walking around Bulwer Park in the morning, Carlton found the world fresh and sparkling. It was a new year and like confronting an empty page before beginning to write, Carlton felt excitement at the prospect of a new start.

Cathy hugged him and wished him everything that he wanted for the year ahead and they went out to lunch to make up for not having celebrated the night before. They had their favourite meal; prawns and dry white wine, and while they ate and drank they talked on and on as though they hadn't seen each other for years. In this cocoon of closeness and intimacy, induced by alcohol, they spoke about sex.

Cathy thought that Carlton didn’t find her sexually attractive anymore, or that he just wasn't interested. Carlton didn't and wasn't but he told her that he had to confront his worst fear at the beginning of a new year and spoke to her about AIDS and how it could lie dormant for years.

“Then we'll go for the test”, she said, “Anyway we can't have it, we're too healthy and that other business happened too long ago.” She still couldn’t bring herself to use Ivan's name.

And so they began to tug a thin line of silk from the cocoon, not knowing what they might find.

The next day Cathy casually mentioned to Carlton that she'd taken the HIV blood test and would have the results in a few days. She didn’t refer to the conversation that they’d had the day before.

Locked into this blood vow Carlton went to the doctor with a shopping list of complaints and tagged hastily to the end, like an item almost forgotten was, “And I want to take the HIV test.” Ross was a new doctor to the practice and this was the first time that Carlton had consulted him. It made his request less embarrassing. Ross examined him and gave him a shot and antibiotics for his sinus complaint.

While blood was being drawn, the rash that had appeared on Carlton’s inner arm a few months before seemed darker than usual. The soundtrack that continually played inside Carlton’s head suddenly had his father’s voice; “Never allow a man to do those things to you; it can give you a disease.” This was more than twenty years ago so he hadn’t meant AIDS. These were Carlton’s thoughts as he was rolling down his sleeve, inserting a cuff link, and shrugging on his jacket.

A few days later Cathy came home with the news that her test was negative. Carlton said a silent prayer of thanks; maybe that meant that he didn’t have it either.

While Carlton was waiting to be put through to Ross it felt as though he was holding his breath; that he hadn't been breathing for five days. It wasn’t Ross that he spoke to but the locum checked Carlton’s file for the test results. He said that the test was negative and that Carlton could pick up the certificate any time. As Carlton put the receiver down he took a breath that made him dizzy with relief. How clever of him to have escaped. He had expected an HIV positive response but now he phoned Adrian and joked about having a green card to sexual ecstasy. This was a sign that the old fear was over, the old guilt vanquished, the old pain healed.

When Carlton told Cathy about this negative result, casually, as though there’d never been any doubt, her brow creased in perplexity. “I don't know how they could have your results so quickly. Your test was done after mine and when I phoned yesterday they had to call the laboratory first and then phone me back. Anyway, at least we don't have it.”

The sudden pounding of Carlton’s heart and shortness of breath came with the certainty that the doctor he’d spoken to had read the result off the certificate on their combined file, and that it had been Cathy’s.

He was still not in the clear.


(From Part Three of Other Voices, a semi-autobiographical novel of triumph over adversity by Carlton Carr)
(Digital Collage: as i lay me down to sleep by Carlton)
© Carlton Carr 2013
http://othervoices.blog.co.uk