Time In The Blender

I open my mind,
I close my eyes,
I try to find,
Where the problem lies,

I render myself,
Into deep meditation,
And nothing helps,
But self medication.

Is it something within me?
My self control?
Or am I simply pretending,
That as a man I'm whole?

And why do I do this?
Why do I write?
I've got to get through this,
But I'm up all night,

Sitting in bed,
With a pillow in my face,
These thoughts in my head,
Thoughts of disgrace,

Thoughts of the good times,
Thoughts of the bad,
Written down into rhymes,
About the things we had,

And I spin and I spin,
And the heart in me rages,
I yell, "never again!"
Then I shred all our pages,

Those petty thoughts,
About how I feel,
I debate whether or not,
My thoughts are real,

So I follow myself,
On a downward spiral,
I've got to get help,
But I'm stuck in denial,

And the more that I see it,
The more I close up,
I'm a man and can be it,
It's just time to grow up,

But I fear I've done hurt,
That can not be replaced,
I've deluded my worth,
Fate cannot be escaped,

So I dig a hole,
6 feet in the dirt,
And I lose my soul,
Amongst the hurt.

Another day gone,
No fear for tomorrow,
Nothing goes wrong,
When you're numb to the sorrow,

You have no regrets,
When you simply don't care,
Putting all your bets,
On a breath of fresh air,

And it's a hard life to live,
These cards we get dealt,
And it's harder to give,
When hate's all you've felt,

But it's time to give up,
This time I surrender,
Time to live it up,
Time in the blender.
-Dennis Mayer