My Suicide Note

My suicide note... my suicide note should clearly read the words I never had the courage to say, and it should give relief to you because you'll finally understand what it's like inside my head; As for I will be sitting here, stuck forever in the moment where I'll take my very own life away, and I'll have tears rolling down my cheeks, trying to convince myself this is for the best and I'm better off dead. YOU? You are far much stronger then I. You have lived many more years then me. You've seen the world at its best and its worse, and I hope you can understand when I look at the mirror I see a threat to the world; I see a threat to myself. Subtract me from the family. This is no longer my home; I'm no longer your responsibility. "Dear mom, Dear dad... " Those are my first words to start with, and when I'm gone, read them with pride, because out of every person I've met, I've written you first, cuz my heart aches to think if I write my siblings first my voice will be forever replayed in there head, and I LOVE  them, but I can't have them suffer knowing in my very last moments I was alive I thought about THEM and that wasn't enough to stop me. I'm sorry. "Dear mom, Dear dad.... I'm sorry. Mom, I'm sorry every argument we've ever had I never bothered to scream at you I love you. I'm sorry for every time I've said I hate you it had to be out of anger, but pay attention to the hot tears running down my cheeks and realize I mean I love you! Dad, I'm sorry for growing up. I'm sorry for blaming society. I'm sorry that all these years I've been right about the cruelty of the world and you've been wrong, and I'll still wait for the day you apologize for your existence. Because your existence seems to be set on hurting me, and I'm sorry you've won. I've never seen you cry, so it's hard to picture you with tear filled eyes, so I know you'll brush these words off like you've brushed off the fact I'm your daughter. Once again... I'm sorry. Mom, I hope as you stand over my lifeless body you can still manage to close your eyes and let yourself dream. I hope you drop to the floor SCREAMING "My babaay" and you'll hug me longer then you've ever held me, and  I hope you're sane enough to tell me a Night time story and put the rest of my body to sleep. ..I HOPE when the police arrives you FIGHT  them and tell them I'm only asleep and I'll wake up soon explaining myself to everybody cuz more then anything in the world, right now, you WANT me to just be asleep, and you'll look at the empty pill bottle and you'll cry violently because THAT'S the reality of it. Hold my hand mom.. Hold my hand and let the warmth of your skin give LIFE to my cold body. BRUSH your hand lightly on my face and let my cheeks lighten up with my usual pink blush that my natural heat causes, but in this case it's your heat, and I can't produce it on my own cuz I'm dead. Woah.. ... Mom? I'm dead... All those years you've yelled and all those years we've fought, and those tears shed were real and all they needed was recognition, and all I needed was a smile. Pouring my entire heart out to stranger's prescribing pills to make the pain lessen just wasn't working so MOM! As you stand over my LIFELESS body, LOOK at me. Cuz every year I've lived I begin to look more and more like the reason you couldn't chase your dreams. I'm the reason people look down at you as a mother, so fucking LOOK AT ME and don't you dare look away. Look at the scars on my wrists and realize how desperate I was. Put bows and bandaids around them and whisper in my ear I'm still beautiful because I try so hard to imitate your voice in my head and those words aren't clear to me. Mom, do you think I'm beautiful? Cuz I swear my own fight is with my own flesh and I tease myself until I breakdown and the slices on my skin are my war wounds, Cuz I NEED something to tell me it's real and I'm alive. And I'm not..  This is for you, mom. I did it so you can live. Cuz I was becoming the reason you wanted to die, and I hated myself already and I loved you so..  Have a good day mom, remember to smile.