deepundergroundpoetry.com
Mourning in the Moonlight
Within the cool night air,
biting into the wind.
Shuddering,
droplets gathering strength
as they're falling from the sky,
driven into the weathered concrete
and pelting into my back
when I'm in its way.
I'm becoming drenched,
the water dashing
tracing the seams of my clothing.
And dripping to the brick,
being taken in ignorant compliance
to the sewers, and to the seas.
These pieces of a storm,
forcing my head down
in an attempt to pierce my will,
inhaling, to calm myself
exhaling, visible breath.
It's an icy, bitter chill
clasping my nerves
and becoming entrenched in my skin.
I am drifting through the cold,
wind gusts carry my jacket neck
pressing it into my skin.
And whispering into my left ear
slipping through,
the wind brushing to the side.
I see the moonlight
dancing with the shadows
and the castings of artificial light.
Gleaming a sickly pale blue
only to be cleansed by the rain,
and cured through the moonlight.
biting into the wind.
Shuddering,
droplets gathering strength
as they're falling from the sky,
driven into the weathered concrete
and pelting into my back
when I'm in its way.
I'm becoming drenched,
the water dashing
tracing the seams of my clothing.
And dripping to the brick,
being taken in ignorant compliance
to the sewers, and to the seas.
These pieces of a storm,
forcing my head down
in an attempt to pierce my will,
inhaling, to calm myself
exhaling, visible breath.
It's an icy, bitter chill
clasping my nerves
and becoming entrenched in my skin.
I am drifting through the cold,
wind gusts carry my jacket neck
pressing it into my skin.
And whispering into my left ear
slipping through,
the wind brushing to the side.
I see the moonlight
dancing with the shadows
and the castings of artificial light.
Gleaming a sickly pale blue
only to be cleansed by the rain,
and cured through the moonlight.
Published 4th Sep 2013
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likes 9
reading list entries 1
comments 13
reads 896
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
4th Sep 2013 8:01am
This is really beautiful, Evan!
Hints of emotions and a melancholy that reads like rain...really like this piece!
Hints of emotions and a melancholy that reads like rain...really like this piece!
4th Sep 2013 9:00am
I appreciate your kind words, but please tell me whatever is wrong with this piece, tear it to shreds.
Anonymous
- Edited 4th Sep 2013 11:54am
4th Sep 2013 11:52am
OK, on the whole I think the piece is good because you show a hint of emotion, you dont get into it but you mention a lot of words connected with emotions. I like that in this poem....
The other part (see beneath) could maybe be added
like this perhaps
There is an icy, bitter chill
clasping my nerves
Entrenched in my skin
I am drifting through the cold
Slipping through,
I see the moonlight
dancing with the shadows
Casting artificial light.
Gleaming a sickly pale blue
only to be cleansed by the rain,
and cured through the moonlight.
This works better as a whole for me as a reader
Hope you find this helpful
LQ
The other part (see beneath) could maybe be added
like this perhaps
There is an icy, bitter chill
clasping my nerves
Entrenched in my skin
I am drifting through the cold
Slipping through,
I see the moonlight
dancing with the shadows
Casting artificial light.
Gleaming a sickly pale blue
only to be cleansed by the rain,
and cured through the moonlight.
This works better as a whole for me as a reader
Hope you find this helpful
LQ
Anonymous
4th Sep 2013 12:49pm
You have grown in your craft big time evan..really enjoyed this write.
strider
strider
4th Sep 2013 2:58pm
I suck at comments but I saw this on fb last night and was speechless. Unfettered and fucking beautiful man. One of your finest I think.
4th Sep 2013 3:13pm
Can always improve though
Get out of here before you inflate my ego ;)
Thanks Kourt. Glad you liked my work.
Get out of here before you inflate my ego ;)
Thanks Kourt. Glad you liked my work.
Evan. You are on solid ground in shooting for being descriptive and concrete. I don't like to always be that critical bastard who shows up and farts under the poem such that nobody else can come near, but I hope I came with equal praise when due.
I would do you no favor if I didn't point out that you are heading back into the old habit of "grenade" words. The adjectives and verbs are having a war here to see which one can be the most loaded and extreme.
While some of these may be some of the most "exact" words to give the idea of cold, you don't need two or three more doing the same thing.
What images need to be conveyed? Have you set them well enough and moved on? Unless it is very deliberately the point, maybe one adjective a stanza would be enough.
There are words I would try to use very sparingly. They are the chiles in the food, the C4 in your munitions pack. Just a hint of them I find strong enough to use once in a poem:
biting
shuddering
gathering, falling, cutting in a row with no exposition to support them
forcing
pierce
icy bitter chill
clasping
entrenched
gleaming
sickly
cleansed
Though you didn't use them I would also add clench, forge, wrought, conquer, and most of the standard words that have typically been used in the lexicon of English "battle/king/warrior" poems. They are pretty well played-out.
Now it is probably a dick move to set them out like that, but you are a tough guy. You'll bounce back. You know what I mean and why I have to say it.
Work down to reasonable force, maybe even appropriate force, and then shoot for tasteful restraint. You are getting much better as a writer dude. I support you man, but... tough love.
I would do you no favor if I didn't point out that you are heading back into the old habit of "grenade" words. The adjectives and verbs are having a war here to see which one can be the most loaded and extreme.
While some of these may be some of the most "exact" words to give the idea of cold, you don't need two or three more doing the same thing.
What images need to be conveyed? Have you set them well enough and moved on? Unless it is very deliberately the point, maybe one adjective a stanza would be enough.
There are words I would try to use very sparingly. They are the chiles in the food, the C4 in your munitions pack. Just a hint of them I find strong enough to use once in a poem:
biting
shuddering
gathering, falling, cutting in a row with no exposition to support them
forcing
pierce
icy bitter chill
clasping
entrenched
gleaming
sickly
cleansed
Though you didn't use them I would also add clench, forge, wrought, conquer, and most of the standard words that have typically been used in the lexicon of English "battle/king/warrior" poems. They are pretty well played-out.
Now it is probably a dick move to set them out like that, but you are a tough guy. You'll bounce back. You know what I mean and why I have to say it.
Work down to reasonable force, maybe even appropriate force, and then shoot for tasteful restraint. You are getting much better as a writer dude. I support you man, but... tough love.
Braggman! Good stuff.. I hear you loud and clear. some god honest critique at last.. Aha. Cheers Steve.
Evan
certainly a huge leap in terms of content and execution, hat tip for having embraced diversity with such vigour.
are you shuddering or are the droplets shuddering. if it's the droplets then pay no heed, but if it's you then maybe replace the comma with a full stop
'tracing the seams', I find the word tracing is probably synonymous with a much calmer image than what you're looking for, what with pelting rain, maybe something like rushing the ridges or something more akin to the environment.
I'd question the use of "ignorant compliance" it's judgemental and it's not part of our remit to judge, merely point out. ..haha good luck with that
I really like that line 'These pieces of a storm'
all in, I think it's a tremendous effort that you've tried overly hard to get right, loosen yourself up a little more
it's a keeper, no doubt about that. pull out the royal bees wax and polish it up a little bit, it'll shine.
certainly a huge leap in terms of content and execution, hat tip for having embraced diversity with such vigour.
are you shuddering or are the droplets shuddering. if it's the droplets then pay no heed, but if it's you then maybe replace the comma with a full stop
'tracing the seams', I find the word tracing is probably synonymous with a much calmer image than what you're looking for, what with pelting rain, maybe something like rushing the ridges or something more akin to the environment.
I'd question the use of "ignorant compliance" it's judgemental and it's not part of our remit to judge, merely point out. ..haha good luck with that
I really like that line 'These pieces of a storm'
all in, I think it's a tremendous effort that you've tried overly hard to get right, loosen yourself up a little more
it's a keeper, no doubt about that. pull out the royal bees wax and polish it up a little bit, it'll shine.
5th Sep 2013 1:44am
And shine it will. Cheers Eamon, it'll be re-done. And I'll try and relax a little more, I've been trying to progress, and it's forcibly improving, piece by piece
Anonymous
- Edited 1st May 2021 7:46am
6th Sep 2013 7:52am
<< post removed >>
Anonymous
- Edited 8th Oct 2013 1:18am
10th Sep 2013 4:11pm
Deleted by poet...
Cheers mate, I save the word play for my woman. Aha, thanks for stopping by.
