deepundergroundpoetry.com
silence be
sat down to write
remembered all the good bits
the writing that stuck
the pieces that fell
from some kind of heaven
or a heavenly kind of hell
could blame being sober
for the words not coming
might even blame
not wanting to crush women
again
or me
again
nothing quite as pretty
as blood on the page
doesn’t matter why it went
doesn’t even matter
that it was ever here at all
looked back through the work I’ve laid
seems like it came
from the fingers
of a small man
angry
meagre
mean
me
more in love with the story
than anything good
cartoon
finger painting
caricature
blood on the page
if words are the thing
that gets lost
then ok
let this be the last
let silence
be the poem
Published 14th Aug 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 11
reading list entries 1
comments 22
reads 838
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The author encourages honest critique.
14th Aug 2013 3:37am
Folks who write too much usually have little to say worth reading. You aren't going to stop living or stop thinking. Writing is pretty much just an more elegant or skillful way of putting some of that back down. The mind goes on trying to sort it's place. The written part is just proof that you've been there. Maybe not in blood, but I'm sure you'll be scribbling down the maps to hemi's head again in no time.
14th Aug 2013 4:28am
Good man S...we both know I'm full of shit, and the words will come...just getting down what it feels like to not have them coming easy.
Good on you man, for the talking, and the understanding of the nature of the ride we're on :-)
h.
Good on you man, for the talking, and the understanding of the nature of the ride we're on :-)
h.
14th Aug 2013 3:49am
Hugh
I don't think heavenly works great for you, it may be the syllables, I tried divine in my head to see how it sounded, still not 100% though. then I tried expanding the line a little "or a stinking kind of divine hell" ..stinking might not be the best word but I think the extra couple of syllables make a bit of a difference
maybe 'nor even instead of "dosen't even matter"
anyhow, just some things that came to mind so there ya go. To be honest I'm half expecting this poem to be gone by the time I finish this :)
good to see you writing again good sir, great stuff
I don't think heavenly works great for you, it may be the syllables, I tried divine in my head to see how it sounded, still not 100% though. then I tried expanding the line a little "or a stinking kind of divine hell" ..stinking might not be the best word but I think the extra couple of syllables make a bit of a difference
maybe 'nor even instead of "dosen't even matter"
anyhow, just some things that came to mind so there ya go. To be honest I'm half expecting this poem to be gone by the time I finish this :)
good to see you writing again good sir, great stuff
14th Aug 2013 4:31am
Eamon you bastard...picked the two spots that itch me as well. Heavenly I only like because it turns the line back on the one above, but that's enough for me to justify the ungainly bastard.
As for the double doesn't, gonna leave that too, but if I did change it, maybe a line break to change the pace at that point....maybe :-)
Either way, both damn fine suggestions/ideas, and good on you for wanting to polish so hard....it'll kill you, you know :-)
Cheers man.
hh.
As for the double doesn't, gonna leave that too, but if I did change it, maybe a line break to change the pace at that point....maybe :-)
Either way, both damn fine suggestions/ideas, and good on you for wanting to polish so hard....it'll kill you, you know :-)
Cheers man.
hh.
14th Aug 2013 4:10am
14th Aug 2013 4:33am
Relax gg my dear....couldn't stop if I tried...have to even write down when I don't want to write it down! A kind of madness, surely :-)
h to the ends of the h.
h to the ends of the h.
14th Aug 2013 6:55am
"Let silence be the poem" Dayum, love that line! I hope that isn't the case with you, as I do enjoy reading you.
14th Aug 2013 7:57am
Well thank you my dear, and no cause for alarm....I even had to write a poem about not being able to write, so empty threats all 'round :-)
hh.
hh.
14th Aug 2013 11:46am
Ya gotta keep crushing the women for those of us who don't quite have the balls for it dude!
14th Aug 2013 1:05pm
14th Aug 2013 2:02pm
Bravo! Just great ... perfection to me. I'd add it to my reading list but I'm maxed out ... So I guess I have to pull a vizard and just steal it. I'll make it the final piece in my first book ... it'll be the sure fire anchor to my Pulitzer ... Cheers!
LSP
LSP
14th Aug 2013 11:56pm
Nice mate...I look forward to the epic plagiarising to finally give me some poet-cred :-)
Good on you for the word-love.
hh.
Good on you for the word-love.
hh.
14th Aug 2013 3:16pm
I think most poets can totally identify with this feeling, many of us have written about it, but haven't put it into words as well as you have.
Often when we're living life, we have less time to think, which results in less poems to write. Sometimes we can be selfish pricks with our fingers on the self destruct button writing profusely as the world falls to pieces around us.
Those last few lines are brilliant. Great poem Hemi.
Often when we're living life, we have less time to think, which results in less poems to write. Sometimes we can be selfish pricks with our fingers on the self destruct button writing profusely as the world falls to pieces around us.
Those last few lines are brilliant. Great poem Hemi.
14th Aug 2013 11:58pm
Ah mate, true enough...fingers on buttons, writing the plane crashing as it augers in, living so large we forget to get it down until it's 'down'....all good stuff, and cheers for laying out your thoughts as you had them....nothing as enjoyable as finding out where the reader's head went while walking through a piece, so good on you :-)
hh.
hh.
15th Aug 2013 7:53am
*swoon* on the read-aloud:
"caricature" and "blood on the page" and (nearly) "if words are the thing" having the same number of syllables is dead cool when switching thoughts and stanzas, the subject is something i do to myself constantly, the last two lines are pretty as f**k... it's a winner for me. [:
"caricature" and "blood on the page" and (nearly) "if words are the thing" having the same number of syllables is dead cool when switching thoughts and stanzas, the subject is something i do to myself constantly, the last two lines are pretty as f**k... it's a winner for me. [:
15th Aug 2013 8:24am
By god....today we put the first production dirt down for the dam, got an OK from the Environmental Agency that what we are doing is kosha, got the good parts for my new race boat ready for an epic race campaign, finally diverted the river through the steel pipe that we've moved heaven and hell to make happen...and then the Jesta comes swinging into the house spreading read-aloud word-love....
I'm going to bed before karma takes my left leg or some shit :-)
(pleasure....always :-)
hh
I'm going to bed before karma takes my left leg or some shit :-)
(pleasure....always :-)
hh
15th Aug 2013 4:25pm
silence, the best ever art, tried to be interpreted..seems best delivered in ur words..this I think, wont be lost at all:)
amazing read hh! thanxx fr the share.
amazing read hh! thanxx fr the share.
15th Aug 2013 9:11pm
Ah well...I think you're right about that...can't seem to shut my fingers up :-)
I'm a bit surprised at how much love this is getting, but hell, what do I know about what the reader wants :-)
Thanks for stopping in and feeling it enough to say so my dear.
hh.
I'm a bit surprised at how much love this is getting, but hell, what do I know about what the reader wants :-)
Thanks for stopping in and feeling it enough to say so my dear.
hh.
27th Oct 2013 9:05am
So loads of poetry no-nos; alliteration and repeats, and I know how good it feels to pull these off. The first stanza: fell/hell, for the rhyme, the last line has too many syllables but a re-wording("or heavenly hell" maybe?) would work the rhyme, but I like its current narrative attribute with the extra syllables too.
Anyway, its point is very true. I think the more aware and concise(better even) your writing becomes, the less abundant it becomes, and quality is always the best trade.
Anyway, its point is very true. I think the more aware and concise(better even) your writing becomes, the less abundant it becomes, and quality is always the best trade.
27th Oct 2013 7:17pm
Cheers man....liked this when I wrote it, but not so sure now...the usual thing :-)
h.
h.
27th Oct 2013 7:35pm
Thought that. Now look, two comments on an older poem you don't even like. Fuckin' bipeds.
27th Oct 2013 7:19pm
Actually Hemi I love this poem.. it says volumes to me it really hit home.. thank you peace Crim
