Bleeding

I feel the need to make myself bleed
I want to release...

this pain, this disdain that I constantly obtain as I walk in the rain every day to get through the workday. I feel played, betrayed, But I am playing myself

I let myself fall into this mess, this quicksand-ness. I can't help but distress over the ridiculousness.
I can't control my softness, my sweetness,  my tenderness. That's my finesse!

Fuck you if you don't understand this blessed personality. I thought the real me would be appreciated but instead it's depreciated. Should I eliminate it?

Absolutely not! It's not how I was made to be. I was made to be me, but fuck me!
My wall let down, now the water that floods over that wall drowns me, suffocates me
I need to stop the flood, liquid turning from water to blood, as my heart bleeds from the need to be loved, healed, mended. I need to cut out the co-dependence. Time to be relentless. Not defenseless.

I wanna be hardcore, ruthless, like a pimp to a whore. But it's such a chore to portray that type of gore that went away when my heart gave way.

I hate being this way. So fucking vulnerable. So damn available willing and able

I take the misuse, the abuse simply because I am used to it. I need to diffuse and refuse it. But it's so hard to do it when  you need to feel it-the love. Even if it's a little bit. But the torture is for sure too much to bear. But I know I will make it there.

As Sade says, I'm a soldier of love

I am a soldier in every way and one day I will rise and make it my day...to survive.