deepundergroundpoetry.com
ether
i'm always either headed for a breakdown
or recovering from crisis
tip toeing around everyone else's sensitive lil stigmas
but nobody walks on glass for me
instead they send me barefooted
into dark rooms filled with mouse traps
and i do it too
because letting someone knowingly hurt you
is the best way to prove your loyalty and love
murder and drunken cunt
smothers the notion of quiet pleasant evenings at home
a stolen car and state lines
an empty revolver and a bag of money in the front seat next to me
the prettiest girl i've ever seen
the love of my life in the trunk
sure wish it was the other way around
but we all know it could never be any other way
or recovering from crisis
tip toeing around everyone else's sensitive lil stigmas
but nobody walks on glass for me
instead they send me barefooted
into dark rooms filled with mouse traps
and i do it too
because letting someone knowingly hurt you
is the best way to prove your loyalty and love
murder and drunken cunt
smothers the notion of quiet pleasant evenings at home
a stolen car and state lines
an empty revolver and a bag of money in the front seat next to me
the prettiest girl i've ever seen
the love of my life in the trunk
sure wish it was the other way around
but we all know it could never be any other way
Published 26th Jul 2013
| Edited 27th Jul 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Anonymous
- Edited 9th Nov 2018 2:45pm
26th Jul 2013 5:20am
<< post removed >>
27th Jul 2013 6:03pm
26th Jul 2013 5:23am
Anonymous
26th Jul 2013 8:12am
Excellent Jr....
27th Jul 2013 6:05pm
26th Jul 2013 3:45pm
27th Jul 2013 6:05pm
Anonymous
- Edited 26th Jul 2013 5:45pm
26th Jul 2013 5:44pm
<< post removed >>
27th Jul 2013 6:07pm
what up gabe!!!!!!
hey thanx for the comments man. always appreciate.
pm for further discussion on the letting someone knowingly hut you dynamic bro. thas a whole nother can of worms we could get into bro...
hey thanx for the comments man. always appreciate.
pm for further discussion on the letting someone knowingly hut you dynamic bro. thas a whole nother can of worms we could get into bro...
26th Jul 2013 8:18pm
Thought I'd stop for a sec and actually read something that won't give me a headache... ;)
I chose you
You have some editing to do to clean this up in a manner in which it so rightly deserves.
But other than that?
There is a place for your bold, bistered, beautiful voice. Never forget that.
I chose you
You have some editing to do to clean this up in a manner in which it so rightly deserves.
But other than that?
There is a place for your bold, bistered, beautiful voice. Never forget that.
27th Jul 2013 6:14pm
1st off really happy my writing does'nt give you a headache miss maggie.lol
i tried a few different versions of this but for some reason i needed to paint it like peering through the passenger side window in the darkness of the vehicles interior shadows at the driver as he reflects. especially in the second stanza. the choppyness was to try to present the driver's mood of reflection by stating the basic hard facts of the situation like shit. it is what it is. the first was the mental aspect. the second the physical...
any pointers on better depicting that i'd be happy to hear mam.
thank you as always for your thoughtful comments miss maggie...
i tried a few different versions of this but for some reason i needed to paint it like peering through the passenger side window in the darkness of the vehicles interior shadows at the driver as he reflects. especially in the second stanza. the choppyness was to try to present the driver's mood of reflection by stating the basic hard facts of the situation like shit. it is what it is. the first was the mental aspect. the second the physical...
any pointers on better depicting that i'd be happy to hear mam.
thank you as always for your thoughtful comments miss maggie...
27th Jul 2013 8:20pm
Yeah... "choppiness"
I kinda thought that might have been something you were going for. But it isn't executed as well as it should be. (Sorry about my lack of clarity in my "clean" statement Hun.)
Here's a thought Mr. Rot
Approach it in terms of a stammer. But... this is what I want you to do. Get on youtube and listen to people stammer. There is actually a pattern to stammering. (I know I used to stammer. lol)
Then twist the pattern. Use words that will contribute to this feel as opposed to simply repeating words.
You can do this... I think your thought process is right in terms of the scenario. You simply need to dig a little deeper into it. :)
I kinda thought that might have been something you were going for. But it isn't executed as well as it should be. (Sorry about my lack of clarity in my "clean" statement Hun.)
Here's a thought Mr. Rot
Approach it in terms of a stammer. But... this is what I want you to do. Get on youtube and listen to people stammer. There is actually a pattern to stammering. (I know I used to stammer. lol)
Then twist the pattern. Use words that will contribute to this feel as opposed to simply repeating words.
You can do this... I think your thought process is right in terms of the scenario. You simply need to dig a little deeper into it. :)
6th Aug 2013 3:50pm
Now this is what I was looking for.. murder and drunken cunt.. you had me at sensitive lil stigmas but you stole me at empty revolver
6th Aug 2013 9:13pm
thanx sixxx. every clyde needs a bonny. what you doin later? you can sit up front i promise...
