found wanting

I wanted her like I wanted a dream
like I wanted death
an escape from boredom
into a realm where anything can happen

I wanted her like I wanted my addictions
in the dark hours of the night
when the shadows take the form of my demons
and whisper back my weaknesses into my head
pounding drums of fault and failure
telling me it is hopeless and I that I am worth less
than the air I manage to keep breathing

I wanted her like a sinner wants a saviour
when the time for repentance is upon his soul

...but I didn't want to be saved
I wanted to be murdered
slowly
with a firm and gentle hand

I wanted her like a sociopathic suicide
a free pass to the other side
no second thoughts, no second chances

She was the embodiment of life
and death and madness
and I wanted her all the more
because of her fractured imperfections
and dead-eye smile that promised blackness
in her embrace

I wanted her like I wanted a movie-perfect death scene
romantic and bleak
but death wanted her more than it wanted me

©Indie Adams 2013