"So f@#ked up,i can't stand it"

(processed & written by my damned self)

a,b,c,1,2,3-natas tempts me constantly.
my lord my god i need you to defend me.
cause right now,i'm living in the belly of the beast.
pop another pill,i will.
pop another pill after that pill.
it's a done deal.
i ain't playin' bitch i'm for real.
never been the one to take just any kind of drug.
pills,pills,pills they were all i ever was thinkin' of.
the perfect reality escape route that's a sure bet.
take all these pills so i don't feel regret.
you ask many questions 'bout why do i do this?
i lost my will and i don't give a shit.
day in day out.
continually i pop pills into my mouth.
pop'em til nothings left.
pop'em til i take my last breath.
i'm not worthy to live,to continue on.
so many different times before i coulda been gone.
the time i drove across town drunk as fuck.
the pain pills i o.d.'d on still alive,it was more than luck.
last but not least,what about when my mind was in a daze.
i ran that stop sign @ fred bear & williston rd,
god was there for i didn't die that day.
time and time again all my life,all my sin.
not too much then,but now i can't wait for my life to end.
i pray god will forgive me for feeling this way.
forgive me my sins and wanting to die today.
i can talk about anything whether it is fiction or non fiction.
i'll let you be the judge if it's worth a read or a listen.
who wonder why i think this way.
we all gotta die one fuckin' day.
i think i'm like this.
cause my closest family & friends is gone,this has me pissed.
i wish i had a happy life,a pocket full of sunshine life.
but no,all this tragedy has me crossing over this knife.
it's hard,it's ruff,it's tuff.
ugly truth is,i'm a all the way fuck up.
nobody cares nobody gives a damn.
i'm so screwed up i'm hearin' voices like the son of sam.
they tell me i'm no good,i'm no good,i'm no good,baby i'm no good.
i'm shit i'm spit.
every single day it's myself i hit.
do all this shit like i know i should.
i'm condemned to an eternity in a living hell.
the hell is all in my mind,deeper & deeper i have fell.
fuck this fuck this this this,this is bullshit.
so sick to my stomach,the best thing is to forget.
i wish i wish i had a different life.
wish i had what i see everybody else has,success in life.
Few months from 40,it's too fuckin' late to save my so called life.
how can it be to be in a crowded room full of people,
and yet feel so fucking alone?
don't know how,but it's all alone til the lord calls me home.
dirty sick mind.
speaking on death & sex all or most of the time.
god my heads fuckin' rocking.
fuckin' rocking.
6 tylenol pm's just got swallowed.
now i don't have to go & walk in the rain down the cold dark road.
there are no more brighter days or better days for larry.
all those days are in the past,gone all so far away,just a memory.
my lord my god,please go ahead and take me.
eject me,dissipate me,point blank.....kill me.
ready to die,ready to leave this fucked up world behind.
everything in my world is all fucked,there ain't no pressin' rewind.
i need a job,i want a job,i cannot find a job.
why? because there are no fucking jobs.
if there were,who in their right mind would hire a fat slob?
i've learned sooner or later family & friends stop caring.
sooner or later everyone stops sharing.
life is complicated,it makes me ugly,that's why everyone's staring.
what i'm about to say is fact not fiction.
i vomited piece of my stomach & blood,my life is soon to be ending
anyways my fucking memory is shot,speech is shot,
can't talk straight.
my lord my god for my death to come i cannot wait.
my heart is achin',my soul is shakin'.
everyone  that knows me hates me,i have been forsaken.
i deserve to die right fucking now.
i'm a waste of life,taking up space,god kill me now.
why was i conceived?
dammit dad,why didn't you wear the 3rd leg sleave?
i'm a fat,lazy fuck with nothing to offer anyone.
my brains for sure would be all over this floor if i had a gun.
i'm ugly beyond sight.
my heart & soul are filled with love day & night.
at the heavens above i scream every damn day.
"my lord my god please forgive me for my sins"
and that's all i have to say...............
for a second i allow silence.
just so i can repent.
i wish my friends & most of all my family would forgive & love me.
as i have forgiven and love them,my family.
my family hates me for i haven't done shit with my so called life.
since i'm a 24 carat fuck up,my new nickname is "can't get right."
(to be continued.........)