If Only

** Once upon a time I was in love with a boy who was amazing in every way...I didnt deserve him and he certainly deserved more than what I could offer him..I was addicted to Heroin and He got a job offer to go to Kansas and I told him that I wasnt going to go with him...I was too afraid of leaving my addiction and also couldnt be the housewife he wanted me to be** Oh well life goes on and here it is.....

If Only




Sometimes, I still think about you
I think about what could have been.
I think about what was, and what wasn't.
Sometimes,
I think I don't really know at all
What I ever wanted.
I just know that
you were one of the many things
I wanted, but couldn't have,
Then could have had, but didn't take.
Now every time I think about you,
I wonder if I did the right thing...
By chancing something great

For a moment of
memory.....
That was just a taste, for both of us
Of something that
will be so sweet... one day..when we find that right person.


I think about how I said i was sorry so many times,
And how the
words were echos of a voice you've grown to push out of your memory
Because
sorry doesn't mean anything when you've broken someone's heart.
I wish I could have let you see a glimpse of my feelings,
Even though they were somewhat twisted between fantasy and reality
And even though I ended up hurting you,
I wonder if I could have loved you,
I did in MY own way, even, if its possible to love someone when you don't even love yourself
But I thought I did love you, inside and out
And felt closer to you at one point in my life than i have to almost anyone.
I thought I could somehow bypass the girl YOU wanted to love and make you love ME
But it never quite happened that way.
I can't decide whether or not I regret ever having a relationship with you
Part of me wishes I had never met you
Maybe I could have saved us a lot of heartache.
Maybe I wouldn't have been just one more girl who hurt you
But another part of me is thankful that I got to have that time with such an amazing person
I know it was the wrong time.I know everything about it was wrong
Except the way you looked at me and how you told me i was beautiful and worth more than I knew.
That was sincere and honest and meaningful
And if for nothing else, I knew then that your heart must be as beautiful as the rest of you.
(You know your sexy as fuck!..lol)
I was too caught up in would-have-been's and what-if's and dealing with my own demons
There's a lot that's left unsaid of everything.
It wasn't really worth saying anymore.
It would have fallen on deaf ears, i'm sure.
But sometimes, I still wonder what it would have been like To wake up next to you everyday
Somewhere far from here
But here we are.
Strangers again.
You've gone your way, and I've gone mine.
I'm doing ok and i don't know how you are these days.
But, I think of you
When little things remind me
of you...us..
and I always think of
writing,
But what do you say to someone who's stopped listening?
I guess you don't.
So i dont.
I just think..
And hope that you're ok...
And that you're happy.
And that i hope you find someone to love you
The way i
could've-would've-should've
If only