"The Reverse Clockwork"

In an overhaul of my dreams you came across,
a non-existent picture from a nostalgic untruth
of clashing paradises,
of lost forgotten memories.

Hidden outer space, fathered and attached
it is unique to my being,
climbing my soul,
disrupting my mind

Mind?

Mind you?
Could you not exist?
Should you become a blown away cartoon.
Promise. If I chase you. You will fly the edges

To never jail,
chasing liberty

You are seeking thoughts on this poem, yes?  alright.  well, first, overall it does go pretty well.  your word choice is really quite good, especially in the last two lines of the first stanza and the first line of the second.  but i'm not sure "untrue" is exactly the word that should be used at the end of the second line.  Maybe "untruth."

   

Thank you very much for the feedback, dude.

And you're right about "untrue" I'll replace it for "untruth". Sounds better

Throughout the piece it is never made clear who the 'you' is referring too. It may be an idea to involve a little more description to help reference who this poem is aimed at, or who the first person is even talking too.

'Promise. If I chase you. You will fly the edges' - the full stops make this line feel clunky and cluttered. May I suggest removing the full stops, replacing the first one with a comma, so this is more a continuous thought rather than three separate ideas.

The thing that this piece struggles with is a continuous flow. It seems to be more separate thoughts and images than one constructive piece. I can see that the imagery here has the potential to be something good, I believe that what it lacks is description. Perhaps this is something to work on for future reference.

Thank you for the read.

Oh I really thought it was clear enough what "you" was referring to.  It was referring to the subject of the picture in this "overhaul of my dreams" is it not?  I guess I do agree that the full stops Missy. mentioned could be changed, but otherwise I stand by my first comment.

I don't like being direct in my poems. But I think people will understand who the person I'm referring to is like patrickbirdener did

Don't listen to them... especially if you don't want to. The people here on this forum that I've encountered so far are deby downers really hurt about art and writing having an meaning to it other than there own drivel and drool hidden in the term "deep". They'd censored the friggin dictionary if they could... but they cant because the proxy already did that: A state of affairs world-wide.

Anyways... I like it... but my problem is its too short. You had it going there and either its entirely conclusive as to offer the read an ending or to be elusive to the reader as to make them think up the rest in the own form of collective conscious wordplay.

Flow on friend. Write more to it not. I like words though...all words... so for me... the more the better.