Recovery

One submission per person.
New or old.
2 weeks.
No judgement zone!

example:
http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/242490-i-dont-give-a-fuck-i-am-not-picking-up/
OR listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68qqo2DO5rQ)

Love ya!

Keep Pushing

Running away hasn't been working anymore
My shadow follows me still
Slinking in and out of darkness
The figure walks against my will

Thoughts and memories testify
Of the weaknesses I still bear
Trembling lips and weary eyes
Fall on the scars I wear

I get back up and try again
Gambling my thoughts with an inner bet
I think the pull of new things and places
Is that they haven't had a chance to disappoint me yet

I don't run away anymore
I just run

Kitty From Hell.. great start! thanks for sharing your poem!

Can it be about meds?

Methadone a year and half later

It's been a year and half now  
off the drugs  
my personality a mystery to me.  
 
For thirteen years the drugs defined me  
gave me the warmth of the numb.  
 
Darkness reigned in my life  
everday it's still a struggle  
to see things right.  
 
I was upside down, inside out  
not seeing the drugs kept my mind in prison.  
 
Feelings are foreign and new to me  
learning who I am  
i'm still on shakey feet.  
 
The synthetic smack  
still calls my name  
"come lovely one i'll take away all your pain."  
 
As long as I had my drug  
I didn't care darkness was reigning  
making my soul of no use.  
 
I put on the the mask of the hard  
I pushed all thoughts aside  
I chose not to see.  
 
I revelled in evil  
thinking it loved me  
always there to show me a good time  
but when the chips were down  
and the piper had to be paid  
evil left me for death.  
 
Feasting off my soul as I were already a corpse  
nothing more then an educated horse  
meant to be ridden into the ground  
pounded on, beat on.  
 
I wonder now  
how I could have been such a fool  
to be used as a weapon of my own destruction.  
 
Learning who I am  
a frightning thing  
feeling, loving  
no drug to protect me  
but I will no longer wear the mask of the zombie.  
 
I want to know who I am  
no longer a puppet  
to a drug  
with its hand up my ass.  
 
The journey continues  
I will prevail  
methadone no longer my reigning king.

Mine Field

So much anger
and sadness
inside of me
for all the damage done
the triggers
that were set
when I was just a child

I sometimes felt…
like a walking mine field

if I could just...
navigate my way
safely
through the field
de-activate
each of those triggers
I would be free of it

so tired
of inadvertently
setting off bombs
I didn’t know were there
or tip-toeing
carefully
through the patterns
in order to be safe

It wasn’t safe!  

it will never be safe
until they’re all unearthed
and de-activated

my life will continue
governed
by the course
externally determined
unless I can make it safe
to set my own

I’m making progress
I can feel it
I am determined
to take it further still

I will not continue
with the self-destructive behaviors
I learned to employ

every time I heal
from one more splinter
I feel as though
I can breathe
a little bit deeper

I’m looking forward to the day
when I can draw in
an uninhibited breath
all the way to my toes

and won’t it be nice
when with the inhalation
I don’t feel like
expelling it
in a scream?  

I‘d rather my voice
be lifted in song
and filled with laughter

I would rather my eyes
be filled with love
and compassion

and not haunted
with fear and mistrust.

Healing process from childhood molestation

UNLISTING
 
Spun on this ball around the sun
I’ve done a lot, more than I thought,
But haven’t done it all.  I have a list
I made coming to the place, I’d rather
Be resented for the trouble that I made
Than leave resenting trouble I resist.

An act there is remaining that I resisted
Putting on that list, one easiest explained
With reasons and intentions extending
From “I do,” I  had spoken so cluelessly.
I knew as I spoke them, I was screwed,
Having felt the blade of her complaining.

Our bed being but disdaining avenue of her
Ceaseless commentary, dissatisfying  all.
Sex-life of a thousand wounds gaining
Speed with every draining pointed word
Until, spanning years, all these insults said,
Sex-death by thousand cuts conceiving.

Through all those years’ revealing flirts I find.
A line of girls, the women who would want,
My marriage to one side, to have me if they could.
Barely concealing, at times not even, desires
To take and give me everything they had.
But I never had, the reasons I thought clear.

How do I express this clearly, never having
Consummated these easy found desires:
Having f*cked myself in f*cking once,
I would not be f*cked by f*cking with
Another who only wants to f*ck me,
And who I’d only want to f*ck.

Having found myself both f*cked and screwed,
Never wanting to be found consumed in that
Relationship that flirt and chat-up easily
Began, pursuing that conclusive act that all
the overt flirting with those women shows
Their willingness to act all over me.

In truth, not in willingness or flirt or chat,
Not truly acting on these pursuits but on
The simplest of true ideas I found. That
Reason that I never strayed with these
Easy as it would have been to do,
That none of these pursuits were ever you.

With you, in truth, it's neither stray or roam
In truth, with you, I’m finally finding home…

Lifeline

Madness in Silence
I don't know hell until I see
The horror that's been happening inside my family.
Secrets so horrible, I can't bear to speak.
Inside the walls of my so called home,
There I see it but blind eyes forbade.
My mind is screaming to shutted ears.
A burden so heavy, how much more can I carry?
Numb to the pain, Ignoring realities
My heart is burning, knowing is sinning
Shhhhhhhh. Don't tell.
My silence is golden.
Now I'm slowly chocking
Oh Death, I welcome you.
If only I could scape.
This...
Invicible Chain
In a cold dark place, endless space,
A  stale foul smell of decay hangs in the air.
A sweet taste tempting, disguising the poison within.
It's a murder but more like suicide disguising.
I know it's rotting but I go on consuming.
Letting my soul be taken until there is nothing.
Hope? He is there somewhere.
I will be waiting. Come break this invisible chain.
My lifeline slowly fading. Hurry....
My soul is screaming as despair eats me away.
I hope to...
Breakaway
A kiss of death aroused those living in the pit of hell,
Where fire burns the tortured souls
And wounded hearts seeks no reprieve.
Death comes knocking on our door.
I am calmly waiting, my heart is at ease.
Finally a reprieve from the meager life that is full of lies.
I closed my eyes and opened my arms.
My hand reached out to speed up the touch.
My arousal spiked for the kiss of death and darkness' embrace.
Instead a light beamed and with a swift slashed.
It brakes the invisible chain!
Then my choking stopped and my breathing comes back.
I found my voice hoarse and cracked
Like a melody worth a million bucks.
My eyes were blurred and veiled
By tears that flows, without grief nor sore.
He is gone, I am free.
I am sorry, but I am happy.
Hope comes glimmering and finally I can start dreaming...
my life begins again.
From now on...
Resurrection
YES, NOW EVERYTHING IS O'K
It's finally over,  HE IS DEAD,  I am free.
Free from the chains that bind me,
forcing my silence,  blindfolding me.
Yes, Now it's O'K.
My Lifeline...
Resurrection...
A new beginning...

congratulations all around thank you for the nod as well

Thanks for this and Congratulations to everyone.