My Own Personal Hell

Can there be a bright light in the gloom of my mind?
Melancholia is just a nice word for insane and lazy
That could be the best way to phrase my personality
I never thought it could  be described in a good way
When a five year old watches blood run like rivers
And realizes it is not a television hallucination
How dark does the light within go
How dim does the goodness  become in comparison
If a personal hell is a space with no escape that we carry
within our very own minds
Flickering with the fires of all remembered stark terrors
Illusions of happiness are devoured by that furnace
You can only feed the dragon you cannot kill him,
I know because I tried
I tried to suit up and boot up with a plan
Went down deep and dirty
Only to come back
Singed, charbroiled and suicidal

Hell will not ever freeze over this I know
Because after viewing it personally I can assure  you.
My vision came complete with demons large and sulphuric
Swooping in with a mocking, destroying laugh.
I awoke with the full knowledge that hell was inside me
Carrying that sensation of fire and brimstone onward
Into everything I touched just waiting for death
And it was unkind and late.

Laying alone on a cold filthy floor
It won't be long until a man walk's through the door
He will climb on top of me and turn me into his personal whore
Sucking and fucking until I'm bruised and sore

A light shines in this darkness as my owner walks inside
He looks at me with disgust then walks to my side
I'm laying here completely naked there's nothing I can hide
Escape from him I cannot plenty of times I've tried

He throws me a soapy rag and tells me to begin
I  do what he tells me for this is the predicament that I'm in
After I'm finished he returns to where he's previously been
I just lay here crying inwardly dying I know it won't be long before it starts again

The minutes from the hours and days from the nights I no longer can tell
I am a prisoner and these walls that enclose me are my cell
Used and abused my body he sell
For I am a sex slave and this is my personal hell

My Hell On Earth

The blood rushing through my veins causing me to wish,
That I wasn’t alive again.
Causing the pain to come back from when I was dead,
It makes me want to die all over.
But something holds me back from taking the knife,
Holding it to my skin and slicing the skin off, bit by bit.
The thrill of the cold metal touching my throat,
Causing my heart rate to raise, bit by bit.
I want this pain to be over,
But I am afraid of my personal hell.
Will it be possible for me to escape,
And never to deal with the pain again?
Never to deal with all the regret and blame?
Maybe it will,
But I will never escape my hell inside of me.

violetsue said:Can there be a bright light in the gloom of my mind?
Melancholia is just a nice word for insane and lazy
That could be the best way to phrase my personality
I never thought it could  be described in a good way
When a five year old watches blood run like rivers
And realizes it is not a television hallucination
How dark does goodness  become in comparison?
If my personal hell is a space with no escape
that I carry within my very own mind

It flickers with the fires of all the remembered stark terrors
All dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddIllusions of happiness are devoured by that furnace
You can only feed the dragon you cannot kill him
I know because I tried to suit up and boot up with a plan
Went down deep and dirty
Only to come back
Singed, charbroiled and suicidal


Violetsue, FYI when you modify a post, you don't repost it...you can do it on the first post by hitting the edit button.

Hello my name is Michelle....

Break my window, climb inside
Unconscious, unwashed skin and bones
My cage lies on the floor
Trapping chaos, numbness mixed with...... "beeeeep"
Is that noise my heart stopping?
or did someone put the phone down on me again?
Pieces of me have been falling away
I never said a word
But now I can't speak and i don't need to
You see me, see my disgustingness,
I can't hide, my legs don't work anymore
Blackout misery for all but me,
I don't recall much of my insanity,
crushing up pills,
Downing wine like a water bottle for comfort

"do you drink in the morning?" hahaha!!!

There is no morning!
day night, days, weeks, months
its all the same time
Don't "want" to die ....... I just don't care
I just don't want to feel
don't want to be me anymore
I just exist from second to second,
Hunting, snorting, smoking
I have an emergency............to drink

Is it the pain to fix the pain?
Is it the poison to fix the poison?

Baby belly sucked away, awake and broken, it hurt in every way!
Rehab fixing was just a "break"

My last 24 hours of destruction gave me a choice
Death now or a slow death
or go through a pain that felt like death
with no guaranteed outcome

3 days and nights
shaking, puking, itching, crying,
My mattress on the wooden floor soaked,
My mind, the noise of scratched vynl v chainsaw
night was day and day was time for killing the fucking birds
how dare they fucking sing!

I can't even hold a glass of water or roll a smoke
something/someone help me
"fucking help me"!!!!
They say desperation is a gift
well it feels like deathperation
but I have no choice now

not enough oxygen in the air
no matter how deep and fast i breathe
I wanna punch my own face
I wanna scream till my throat burns
I want to feel peace for just a second so I can close my eyes

Fragment by fragment Like tiny shards of glass
Reality came back
And it hurt every day even more
no more passive ignorance
overwhelmed truths and work ahead
insanity taming, sludge trudging

Days became days
Nights became nights
learning to talk and walk and listen
"keep coming back"
How about i never leave?

Hi my name is Michelle and I am an addict and an alcoholic and I have been clean/sober.......abstinence, since September 15th 2012
1 year 6 months 5 day
551 days
13247 hours
794855 minutes
47691360 seconds
And counting!

Coloured plastic for straight lines......

Im sure for some, life is slow,  
peacefully strolling their treadmill of "normality",  
happy in the sedative,  
tranquil in the average.  
For me I think I have been aware, or at least suspected
That I thought n felt "different" since I took my first breath.  
Flipping through life like a porno mag,  
cum stained, drug fucked, faking "happy endings"
There was no stillness for me ever, fuck all peace,  
always destruction in my wake,  
A soiled trail of broken things, broken people,  
my bones broken too but I was too obliterated to feel the pain.  
There came a point where the brokeness that was following me,  
the flesh addicted zombies caught up with my speedy pace  
I became the meal, devouring the mere existence that was left,
My mind, my body, my soul.
Half eaten, bleeding, crawling on oozing stumps,  
my brain n my heart in either hand,  
Begging for help, I found a away to escape.  
I don't know how, or why  
But after wanting to lose my life so many times  
something stabbed my weakened frame and made me fight for my breath

Today I walk on half healed scars, telling my tragic war stories,  
Cleaning festering wounds "to the best of my ability"
To the outsiders it may look like my treadmill is neighbours with yours  
but to me walking in a straight line is often more sickening  
than spinning around till i fall face first
To me 9 to 5 is fucked up and happiness is not a normality  
Happiness, serenity are the occasional gifts
Received after a deadly fight,  
I take my rainbow medals with blood stained knuckles,  
broken fingers and dirt down my nails.  
But all you see are "clean" hands

Tossing and turning
in a pitch black box
the smell of dirt
decay and rot
not unlike my life's time spent
unlocking my mind
the turmoil pent

My own hell
you so politely do ask
buried alive in a coffin
contemplating my task

Eternal darkness
in a home of pine
no sight, no sound
just thoughts of my crime...

~Math~                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Math,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Oh why math?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Stupid,Stupid math                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Math fuels my Wrath………                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Oh my,Oh my….. Why,Why Why?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Math causes problems                                                                                                                                                                                                                              I don''t understand this……………………………                                                                                                                                                                                               Go away,Go away. Well i guess it's here to stay

Congratulations Gemini and Miki

thank you for the comp. and choosing me as a runner up with love Crim

How do I function with this anxiety?
Ever since I rid myself of guest
Acknowledging this feeling inside of me
So mentally I can find rest

The noise now eradicated
Stillness echoes my domain
The picket signs have vacated
Why this should I question my sane?

congrats Gemini and Crim
some nice entries in here, thank's for mentioning me :-)

Congrats, Sinful Criminal and Miss Moondancer. Thank you for choosing my write, Zexion. It's an honor to be mentioned along with Brenda and Miki.

I knew this day would come.
My mask had finally slipped.
My dark passenger had shown himself to the world.
After all these years he broke from his pretty cage and he wasn't going to be tamed.
His time had come and mine had gone.
For the first time in my life I had felt fear.
This is my own personal hell.
And my Dark Passenger loved it here.