What went wrong in my life?

'who do I send this to?'




I think you wanted
me from the
start, I can
see that now

I always wanted you, and I
always will

I don't
know what
you saw in me, but I never
told you I
want you

you're a goddess, and
I want you to
be happy, and I
will never bug you

it's best if
you don't see
this poem I think,
and I
don't
suppose you
will

I don't
really know -

that's the pain
of being
this fool.

thank you for your touching entry..peace Crim

Just like the movies
 
In a film of that life,  
I'm sure the role of him would be played  
by some simple meat-head with long hair  
and lack of motive.  
 
She could have been the vulnerable bitch maybe,  
the typical c-cup asleep in the unlocked room  
being attacked by a psycho,  
lying smothered in her blood  
 
a hammer laying in the hallway,  
(the discarded weapon)  
and all the cops and the forensics  
would have seen the clumps of hair on the floor
 
the handprints on the walls,
her skin underneath his finger nails  
and the half empty packet of pills he used,
having drugged her for easy gore  
 
if they'd looked.  
 
It could have been the classic horror flick;  
the late nights, the whiskey breath  
the audience watching him stare her down  
and seeing everything was wrong.  
 
Yet I wondered why people watched them  
and saw the black eyes, shattered bones  
and never dared to question the plot  
or why she stayed on screen  
 
so long.

am I fucking crazy
so I've been told

I always thought I would save the world from pain
trying to keep our children from being fucked over and over again
literally

I hear the screaming of the rabbits in my brain
and find it hard to differentiate my screams from theirs
I see me with that lead pipe as I bash and bash his head to pulp while smashing his smug all knowing smile

I don't refrain from hearing the voices in my head
telling me kill kill kill him smash him till he's dead
yet his evil ghosts still won't leave my mind
for gods sake daddy   i see you awake and in my dreams

all because he loves me

Youd be crazy too if you had to listen to your father fucking anything that moves male or female

Or try watching movies at the drive-in with your parents
kids in the back seat  
Clothes your eyes kids
NO WALT FUCKING DISNEY FOR US
the documentary about sadism and masochism playing in our ears it's only for adults LIARS
like my father really needs instruction

Try living with the crawling hand worse than the movie one
sit on my lap cream puff wheres the vasoline

god I hate the non-smell of vasoline    his lotion of choice

oh mama mama   where for art thou mama
mamas cooking cleaning going to church
praying to god for my evil soul?

Using your self blinding manipulations
your Black hole in your memory mama
you are the BLACK HOLE

What? you cant see daddy in the cars middle seat
smothering me because I bite hard smashing my lips with a hand full of 'This will hurt me more than you daughter'
so i can wear a permanant crack in my lip to forever remind me of our LOVING family camping trips STICK IT IN AGAIN DADDY
THATS RIGHT  I'LL BITE THAT MOTHER FUCKER RIGHT OFF

mama stops the car so I can puke his cream of the crop out the door
watch it shaunda
those could be your future  brothers or sisters
FOR GODS SAKE HOW MANY MORE DOES HE NEED

move every six months so no one sees the monster for our father

make me pee and shit in a can in my closet because the bathroom is no longer safe while I write poems of screaming bunnies
i see you waiting in the dark living room daddy

I'D RATHER SHIT AND EAT IT before I use that bathroom again

what? if i dont let you do it   You'll get my baby sister
and when I hear her screams I'll know it shoulda been me

dont tell on daddy or hell go to prison
who'll take care of us then
well all be adopted out never to see each other again

liar liar pants on fire
get me in the sack
beat it blue and black
as daddy smuggly smiles
and mama hides her eyes

I can't take it
every day  every minute
im so afraid
so i'll slit his throat while he sleeps

im just a little girl
im just a little girl
im just a little girl

and mama wants to know how I ever got this crazy?
well fuck you mama and the dick you rode in on

i cant take it anymore
my brain is cracking from all the people screaming in my head

i'm better off dead
am i fucking crazy?
so ive been fucking told
I'm rather fond of crazy...I don't know who I'd be if I didn't have crazy.

And I smile

Thank you Missy and Shaunda for your fantastic entries

so far all of you have touched my heart in some way this is going to be tough..thank you to all participating..peace Crim

Sinister Thoughts/ It is not me

Should I kill her?
Should I cut her?
Should I make her life hell?
These thoughts run through my head faster and faster
It is almost like my world is a disaster
Why I am trying to kill myself?
Why am I cutting myself?
It is not me it is her
The one inside of me
The one who kills me softly with my own touch
She caused them to put me on anti-depression pills
She caused them to put me on pills to make me sleep
I am not crazy can't you see
It is not me
It is not me
It is her
The one who is destroying my life
The one who makes me sacrifice
The one who is running from me
The one who is the demon in me
It is not me
It is not me
But the sinister thoughts still run through my head
It is not me
It is not me
But these sinister thoughts are what I dread
So now I am strapped in this place crying for help till this day
Making them cry with so much pain
Because no one can see those blood stains
Inside my head she laughs at me
Because now I am free and she can destroy.

I can relate to this poem Redstar on a deep level..thank you peace Crim

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/images/uploads/poemimages/99985.jpg


Let Us Begin

Fall down seven times, get up eight
This time I swear I won't make a mistake
Brace myself for a bumpy ride
Prepare to open the doors that lead inside

Issues knock at the door then come rushing in
They prod and they poke and say "let us begin"
I'm a little girl now, only eight years old
Still don't understand why I never told

Fell in love with a girl in my sixteenth year
Wrote it all in my journal every hope, every fear
I came home from school on a normal day
My mother sat at the table reading away

The whole world must have heard her shout
Take your school bag and get the hell out
I never want to see your face again
You disgust me child, you are one of them

I quit school and got a job down at the Bar
Thought I could save all my money, planned to go far
Met so many strangers at the bar late at night
Now alone in the world, I got caught up in the life

Tequila for breakfast, chased with a purple pill
The lines and the joints, I hunted every thrill
The party is over but you still remain
Left holding my addiction and writhing in pain

So many years spent filled with anger and rage
Blamed the whole world for my emotional cage
It has taken fall after fall but now I finally see
What went wrong in my life was always Me.

What went wrong in my life?

Life it’s self??

I wish it was only the one thing
One incident that could explain everything
That could explain me
And why I am the way I am

Was it my upbringing?
Being petrified of the verbal abuse from my own father
The intermittent spanking that was customary, if I “behaved badly”

Was it the fact that my own brother decide to play father and do his own beatings
Or the fact that he........ Let’s not revive that time


Was it the date/gang rape?
Or when I ask for help
All I got was that I deserved it,
“It was your fault”
“I would be quiet, as no one will believe you”

Was it the fact that my first love
Treated me like I was a hole
A hole for him to use whenever he desire
Or that I allowed him, and confused it with love

Was it when my finest friend          Matthew
That treated me with respect and love
Died        without me

Was it him?
He who verbally, physically, socially and mentally abused me
Or the fact,       the fact that I let him.  

Was it numerous other occasions that I will not declare
As it is too raw to exhale aloud
What went wrong in my life
Pick one
As I cannot

Thank you Becsta and Forgive for your entries..they were packed with strong heart pulling emotions..peace Crim

I Pity You


Your world is so small
no content of importance
a shriveling, dying violet

The emptiness

The loneliness

I pity you

Your deluded little brain
let you believe that
hurting your loved ones
was the right way

You were wrong

Your a fool

I pity you

Friends all gone
family hate you
your child doesn't
remember you

How it must hurt

I pity you

Stuck inside your walls
filled with darkness
your only company
is sweet bitterness

A cold, drafty existence
filled with nothingness
all you feel is self sorrow

I pity you

You have only
yourself to blame
and I know
that must sting

But you had the
moon in your hand
you crushed it up
into tiny little pieces

Now you can see
that very moon but
only from a distance

I pity you

You had it
you lost it
so...now..
deal with it

I'll wave to you
from way up high
cause I have risen
high as the sky

Looking down
I see you
a mere sorry
excuse of man

Do I pity you?

I hope your
inner demons
rip you apart

My happiness
is revenge
on you

So infact
I don't
pity you

You made your bed
so you can lie
in your own mess



Sincerely..

Your moon

and

little star

this is quite a write full of strong emotion..thank you..peace Crim

A Late Fate

Pondering my life
and my present situation

Thinking back in time
hoping to find some revelation

It occurs to me
that it's a complex question
Need to hunker down
do some serious reflecting...

The faces and places
around the globe
they pass in phases

and I'm tracing the dots
connecting me

Lies and let-downs
letting go and never sure
I guess that's my foundation
A fading light
on a distant shore

followed by tragedy
nothing secure
focused on presentation
and hiding the truth

I set out running
away and around

Until
My mind caught a wavelength
and I needed more sound

I chased me
and I'm still on my heels

It was all meant to be

but my fate wasn't sealed

Thank you Miki for such a soul touching entry..peace Crim

exécuter

dark shadows in the night,
hunt me faster than i can run.
am i going crazy,
going out of my mind
or is there really something
trying to devour my life?
i can no longer try
to hold onto something
that is no more mine.
now,i'm just a marionette,
hostage of the dark.
woken by the strings He pulls,
i have nothing left
but my own mind.
 
(k.t)



-nothing went wrong with anybodys life,some people are just a tad luckier.