Well, I've gone off the deep end.....

beautiful everyone

Just Judged

Static
it is all I hear when they speak
These damn headshrinkers  
trying to "heal" me with words

No one comprehends my outcry
and the wondrous symphony I hear
I will not have that sweet melody stripped away
What fools, as if it could be taken

One COULD deduce the clock of gears
that rotate inside my skull you know...

You! The one that sees but does not judge

Where are you?

Where am I?

Aspect Apathy


I have stopped getting it
altogether

I’ve lost the person
who I thought
I was

I no longer understand
who I appear to be

If I do not resemble myself
then who am I?

Seeing my obscured image
in the mirror
only serves to further distort
my self perception

Observing how others react
is frightening
because I am comforted
by their abhorrence

I’ve gotten used to living
behind this disguise

So used to it
that I have forgotten myself
and I’m okay with that

Why
am I okay
with that?

In Pieces

I come apart in pieces
of oblong shapes and acute angles
jagged edges and frayed edges
some with smooth surfaces
others roughed up and worn
from being tackled and beaten
from being stared down by piercing eyes
then tumbled and pounced upon
fractured by the unforgiving constants
by who knows what else
by life

By life
by the philosphical next steps
such fortuitous uncanny luck
brought back by fortune's humility
the contageous laughter of tickles
by a child's voice
or chimes of good news
made whole by color and touch
from sound and voice and love
of long lasting strewn moments
I come together in pieces

I am overcome by my fears
Palms sweating
Heart racing
I can not breathe.

Why can't I move from this spot
As life continues around me?

They call it anxiety
They call me a shut-in
They try to give me pills
They say they will calm me.

Perhaps the only way to survive
Is to survive no longer.

Then I feel guilty
I worry my family will miss me
But they won't miss my avoidance
Of those things that make you "human."

I don't want excuses made
for the way I see the world.

The pain won't stop
My distress
My panic
Goes on and on.

Cold steel, fits so nicely in my hand
Seems my only salvation.

The walls have ears they hear me speak
What won't they say now?
Ravens cock their heads  
'Caw'
Three times she does it someone dies
Velvet walls so soft spoken
The raven said they died
Why can't we stroke them
Pinpoints of ecstasy lead to erratic silence
Please don't give me silence
No more silence
These soft spoken walls speak so kindly
Winds cool hand comforts me in the indigo light
I hear him sing
Make him sing once more
Just once more I can't quite hear what he says
His voice is hiding in the polished white
Beneath pretty dancing red
Why hide him from me?
Please just let him sing
I heard him once
He said the ones who hide him call him bone

Nonscience

The labcoats prescribed me a plan
To keep away the devil man
The dancing little lunatic who whispers in my ear
An undigested piece of beef Ebenezer suggests
8 hours of sleep and the voices will rest, cease
All the rooms will stop spinning and sidewalks lay flat
The garden gnomes with razor blades and adorable pointy hats
Approach with pitter pat
Of tiny little feet in glossy jackboots
Nazi repetition and crack troops invade my broken, hollow, flat, infested dreams
Crawling with the maggots of delirium
An onslaught of intravenous nutrition
Decision is incision is revision is revulsion of my compulsion to let the little loony have his way
Why not today?
What do you have planned?
Breakfast?
Lunch, perhaps?
Dinner, you say?
Why thank you so kindly for the advice
But you see I am in love with this other me
This witching hour splice
The mirror has received my love letter written in toothpaste so to clean my dirty mouth
A two-for-one special: I want in and he wants out
Lip-synching my derision
Reflect divinity in glass
Where is your reason that allows all this to pass for ample parts truth and water?
The necessity of lies?
Who should I believe and why?
And what have they invested?
Inasmuch this wherewithal, does use my pen to scribe
The mantra of my caterwaul
“What do I think and why?”
Oh bother it’s all improper anyway
I think I’ve crossed a line
Reflected divinity in glass
Toothpaste directions to a pancake breakfast
Lunch, perhaps?
Of course dear boy I’ll bring the duck
You go about your way
The little loon is dressed in skin
But I am just here to play
Nonsense
Non cents
Non scents

Tap tap tap can you hear me
god damn it
listen to me

I need it more than before.

Tap tap tap can you hear me
Hurry shut up
My mind is the key.

Tap tap tap can you hear me
Argh foolish mental brain
You must act more insane

For white shadows to play in this game

Tap tap tap can you hear me
Rocking slowly
Twitching freely
Scratching my veins

Tap tap tap can you hear me
Bring my bottle of mystery today
For the only way to obtain it
Is to make the white coats
Believe Im insane

Tap tap tap

A Mortal and not a Messiah?

Good day to you all
I go by the name of Evan Sarov
What if I were to tell you
I am totally sane
And completely in control
Of my mind in it's entirety?
That I am just like you
With a fetish for a corpse
that emnates of rigor mortis.
And that I am a man
a mortal and not a Messiah?
To lead the souls of rejection
To the neo-found projection
Foolish yes?
I happen to agree
That I am a hazard
To your society
Such fallacious slander
To label me a 'madman'
A.. necrophiliac?
That's what you call me, yes?
I am but a man
with attachment issues.
And a mother
without a drop of milk to spare
for her newborn spawn
of disease and death.
Please do - Throw me in a padded cell
Fit me for a straight jacket
Lock me away, never to see another day
All for the sake of your normality?
Contradictions abound..
And hypocrites surrond
the fire of fake.
And lies to compensate
for a lack of compassion.
That they claim I am the one who lacks
My compassion lay
to the lost damsels of the dead.

They'll tell you I'm mad, Satina, they will, they will
but I'm not, I'm not, I promise, I know, I'm here with me all day long and all night and all day and all night and all day...

Let me tell you before the sneaky sneakers get you with their tongues.
(They like to lick the inmates before feeding)

I need vaseline.
They wont give it to me - they say I'm sick, real sick, sick as a little doglet, yeah, a puppy

I'm not Miss Polly's dolly who was sick sick sick and I can, I can come home now, I promise, I'll be so good, I'll be so good for you, please.

Or you stay, you stay Satina and tell them I'm fine please, please, just tell them I'm fine.

Scarf skins silence cries out. Frightening potions spawned of hopes and tears. Disturbing hours loiter motionless and the metronomes tick refrains. Holding hearts breath carceral. Moments eternity lingers and licks feasting upon the debris. Once me. Bound witness inadequately designed to digest certainties repulsive feast at my feet. Forced lids open forbidden never look away. Unable to save, to sacrifice. Clumsily inefficient and destitute I blindly lash to lasts reverie. Clutches of emptiness fill void less arenas once overflowing with souls ethereal laughter, desires existence. Moments eternity lingers and licks feasting upon the debris. Once me.