A part of your life

MAKE ME BELIEVE THAT IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE MAKE SURE IT IS A POEM :)

THE IMPACT
 
I married a man to get away from my parents
 
He married me to stay in the closet
 
The first three years were wonderful
 
It was if we were made for each other
 
 
In the sixth year I came home to find
 
Him in bed with a "friend" of ours
 
Except the "friend" was not a she
 
My ex-husband was hiding his homosexuality
 
 
This blew my world to hell
 
I felt like an idiot that I could not tell
 
A straight man from a gay man
 
How could I have been this stupid?
 
 
Worse was the fear that I had HIV
 
Nobody wanted to date me
 
Although I was tested negative
 
Men still avoided me as if I had leprosy
 
 
Finally, he got all the sentiment
 
Poor guy, it must have been so hard for him
 
Not one person thought of me
 
Used to see, if he could be, normality
 
 
I questioned my life, I questioned my judgment
 
I had a whole world of expectations
 
Children, a family, all lost to me
 
By a single act of ignominy
 
 
Downward I went, as women do
 
When no longer married to who's who
 
Fortunately I bounced back
 
Make a stunning career - but that did not last
 
 
For my system was not built for strength
 
The impact of the first IED caused the second
 
Compromised immune system and ME
 
Did me in finally
 
 
I am still dumbstruck by the stupidity
 
Of a society who will not let gays be
 
For it they had, I could have married another
 
I am now for EQUAL GAY RIGHTS
 
 
I am also now an activist for this disease: Chronic Fatigue
 
They told me it was all in my head
 
The shitty stigma Doctors say
 
When they have no clue about what made you that way
 
 
They finally made marriage legal between gays
 
They are starting to find a cause for CFS/FM/ME
 
These earth shaking impacts had an effect on me
 
I am an activist who wants to help people be free.

~~~The day before~~~

the day before you died  
we held each other and cried  
you said we would always be  
and you would never leave  
 
i think about that day all the time  
you were taken in your prime  
i knew you were addicted    
i knew you were conflicted  
 
i tried tough love  
i tried praying to the god above  
nothing worked for long  
everything i tried was wrong  
 
when they called to tell me about you  
i wouldn't believe it to be true  
i drove to the hospital  
not wanting it to be possible  
 
i got there and took the elevator down    
to the morgue an actual ghost town  
tears begging me to let them free  
i did, once they let me see  
 
they opened the small door and pulled you out  
my fist clenched and chills were felt thru out    
they pulled the sheet down to reveal your face  
i fell to the floor of that horrendous place  
 
two men helped me up to my feet  
then they covered your beautiful face with that sheet  
they asked if it was you  
i shook my head yes and they pushed you back thru  
 
that day i will never forget  
I'm filled with so much regret  
i should have done more  
i had no idea what was in store  
 
you were my heart and soul  
i feel like i helped you lose control  
i should have hid those fucking pills  
the ones that slowly kill  
 
i shouldn't of given you money  
but i loved you, you were my honey  
your gone, everything is so strange  
there's so many things i wish i could change  
 
cant get you out of my head  
cant get out of my bed  
i feel like i helped you die  
and for that reason i cry  

Playing The Fool

Memories of playing house
With my currently ex-spouse
I've anxiously
Cooked and cleaned expecting a ring
I've waited patiently
Didn't receive a thing
But an I.O.U. and a rain check
Cashed it in but I didn't collect
Nothing but excuses
A commitment was useless
Exaggeration then procrastination
Quickly led to aggrevation
Told me lies and sold me dreams
Proof that everything that glitters and gleams
Isn't gold or a gem
I was a child then
The things I've done for him
Was in vain
So gullible I have only myself to blame

Shut In


this lonely young girl kept them bottle and tight.
keeping them locked away and out of sight.
she knows  if she speak they will since her shame,
this give her more reason for herself to blame.
she feels closed in witch she stands by this door.
with standing the names of calling her whore.
this sad young girl kept them bottle at age.
the door of silence beat with rage.
her unhappy little heart always filed with pain.
threw this protected door shall stay the same.
she fakes this smile apone her face.
never will she expose this place.
she cry every night,while alone in her bed,
where her door is shut.
and locked instead.
this mountain of fear witch came each year,
kept them held for no one to hear.
more and more she will  keep them sealed
maintaining her in this battle field.
she knows  if she speak they will since her shame,
this give her more reason for herself to blame.


-Kumiko Yamamoto

Don't

Don't make this harder then it has to be
why try to kiss me in the rain
there is no more time to hear your plea
My love will never be the same.

Don't make this harder then it has to be
why speak of all these lies
did she know about your love for me
while you were in between her thighs?

Don't make this harder then it has to be
why fake such long goodbyes
your just a worthless escapee
who can't even look me in the eyes.

-I watched-

the clock
beside the door
always to keep me on time
now seemed to stop
with my heart
in tune
with the internal mechanism
that was yours
now stopped
by this knock on my door
later when asked
able only to recall
faceless men
in grey
and their words
to me
that you were no more

Piece of Our Hearts


As we stood there in the doctors room
not really knowing what to assume,
she told us there would be a you

At first there was fear
of having something so dear
then our hearts completely melted

As time went on, mommy started to show
so much love for you as you would quickly grow
everyone was filled with happiness

First there was one, later came number two
we were so amazed at what you could do
the sleepless nights were worth it

Looking into your eyes
has totally made us realize
that love knows no boundaries.

We all grow and continue to learn
if anything ever happened to you two, our souls would truly burn
we will protect you from evil

The wonderful lil ladies you have become
turning our world into anxiety and relentless fun
we will never turn our backs on you

As we watch you sleep
we think of ways to keep
that significant innocence alive

Whatever you girls grow to be
me and daddy will forever see
you two will always have a piece of hearts

Love! It's About Time

It feels good to have someone who loves me for me
And not mold me into something they want me to be
The freedom to be myself at any given time
I'm finally getting my chance to shine
With someone who wants to be mine all mine
Because they view me as one of a kind
No matter what goes down there's always that connection
A nice thing to have despite our imperfections
I can't always judge people by their shortcomings
Including my own I can't continue running
Away from everything that didn't go right
It's time for me to move on with my life
And I plan to do that with this special someone
Who promised me they'll be there for the long run
Hand and hand, side by side
I'm ready to fall in love and swallow my pride
Because the way I feel I know this is real
It seems like a phase but time will reveal
The strength of the love I have for the person
Then I can be sure and certain and determine
That that's the one I can spend my life with
And cherish each day we both shall live

Because of Me

The guilt and regret won't leave my mind as I enter this church for you
All our memories keep swirling through my brain as I sit here on this wooden pew.
I can't bring myself to talk about you; when asked I say I have just one sister
For the pain I feel when I think of you burns within me like a thousand boiling blisters.
I wish I could still say I had two sisters, that I wasn't always the family's "baby"
If only I had been braver and stronger back then, maybe, just maybe,
You, baby sister, would still be here, and I never would've had to say goodbye
But instead I'm at your funeral, and I know it's my fault you're here...I'm the one who let you die.
As your small casket passes by, I can't stop the quivering sobs, or the stream of tears
And my mind forces me again and again to relive that day, like a never ending nightmare.
You were five at the time, and I had just turned eight
We'd been through many foster homes, some halfway decent, others not so great.
But this house was worse than the others; the people were crueler, the beatings more severe
I should've done something in the beginning, maybe begged our workers to take us far away from here.
Yet I did nothing, but instead tried to prepare you for the agonizing days to come
I told you to expect more empty stomachs, and beatings that would leave us numb.
For though I knew this house was worse, I thought we'd survive the same way
We'd listen to the yelling, endure the pain, and hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
Until the day came where our foster father decided to prove me oh so wrong
The day he beat you just a little too much, for just a little too long.
You had tried to take some food from the pantry, for the stomach pains were finally too much to bear
But you were caught by him, and he didn't listen to your pleading or begging, for he simply didn't care.
I thought it was just another beating, and so I stood waiting in the shadows in the hall
I didn't want to make it worse, or get beat myself, so I watched even as he threw you against the wall.
Over and over he beat you with with his fists, and with his belt
And still I waited, praying he'd stop soon, so I could attend to your bruises and your welts.
But he was not himself, but high off of one of the many drugs he had in his secret room
And as the minutes dragged by, I began to feel overwhelmed by a sense of doom.
When his hand reached for the wooden bat his son used for baseball, my heart stopped
I screamed at him, but still watched helplessly as the bat quickly dropped.
I can still hear it in my ears, the crack of the bat as it smashed against your head
I can still see it with my eyes, the sight of your blood splattering against the wall, painting it dark red.
As others saw what had happened and dragged him away, I ran to you, but no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't wake you up, and finally had to admit, that my little sister had just died.
And so here I am, weeks later, staring at your lifeless body, wishing that I could once again see those beautiful blue eyes
Unable to block out all the sorrow and pain, while wondering over and over why.
Why did I do nothing to save you, why did I give in to my fear
This regret is something I know I'll have to live with for the many upcoming years.
With tear filled eyes and a broken heart, I tell you I'm sorry, give you one last kiss, and slowly walk away
Praying that perhaps I'll be forgiven, so that I may see you again in Heaven one day.