FEAR

old men    
are wandering tonight  
wandering and wondering    
bumbling along in their baggy pants    
and stained shirts    
making left turns    
into ditches    
or looking for time clocks    
and lost loves, long deceased    
and calling for their dead dogs    
and trying to find their way home    
for hours on end    
    
and they are checking    
for their wallets    
and rechecking    
and checking again    
and they are looking for keys    
in dark houses    
where second notices go unnoticed    
and they are hungry    
and wondering where she is    
and wearing down the carpet    
from bedroom to den    
to bedroom to den    
and calling her name    
and wondering    
   
and old women    
are frantic for their babies    
and cooing over dolls    
and feeding    
and wanting    
and wondering    
and they, too,    
are seeking    
something    
they seem to have forgotten    
and the road seems    
to never end    
and she is panicked    
in the parking lot    
and wondering    
where he is    
why he hasn't    
found her yet    
   
and there is no place    
but institutions    
for old men and old women    
with dementia    
where they are safe    
and warm and fed    
and that's what's best    
and that's what's worse    
and there are no other answers    
and that's just the way it is    
and goddamn    
don't we want    
and wish there was something better    
and don't we pray    
that our minds are the last to go

 

I am petty  
i wish ill will  
there are times,  
that i long for it  
yearning in my loathsomeness  
i wish i didn't feel this  
if only i was a better person  
but ~ there's only so much  
of "being the bigger person"  
that someone can take  
how much is too much  
when you can't remove yourself  
from the situation?  
when, in the light of actual truth  
it's justified and cathartic  
a justification of deed and integrity  
yet, the value of enlightenment  
is to let it all go,  
i know this  
but  
how much...  
 
 
... before I lose myself completely?  
 
 
 
 

to end up  
just like her  
 
discarded
bitter
 
 
 
and
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
alone.

He asks, “What are you thinking?”
I dig deep into the recesses of my mind.  
Leave me to it,  
In the silence it gets too loud.  
Overbearing, all consuming.  
I can’t make it stop.  
My feet seem to be tied to weights underwater,  
Nothing seems to keep me afloat.  
I speak,but I am screaming.  
I smile but I am choking.  
My mind fields are minefields,  
My eyes,vacant.    
I am here and halfway there.  
The mind is powerful,it can lift you up to heights you have never measured before  
And drop you,in an instant, at the speed of 600km/hr    
Shattering your feeling of self worth.
The spaces between the lines and images I don’t want to explore  
My mind wants to think about it but I am torn  
I am looking to switch it off but I can’t  find the switch  
Instead I switch from thought to thought,pacing every room I fear to enter.  
At the end of it all,I say,”Nothing”.