Poetry competition CLOSED 1st October 2020 6:38pm
WINNER
nomoth
nomoth
RUNNERS-UP:
PoetsRevenge
and Eerie
Roar Shack
wallyroo92: Sting of Consciousness
We do feel you captured a large portion of Fulton's essence in your inspirational poem, Doing the Evolution Shuffle, it's rather tame compared to Fulton's playfulness with vocabulary.
Technically, there are a few things: firstly, you meant to say "infringe" instead of "fringe". Secondly, commas; and, lastly, commas. Let's look at some stanzas:
I have a hard time understanding anti-maskers
when they claim their rights
are being fringed upon [ end stop or semi would work here ]
it’s somewhere along the lines
of anti-vaxxers [ colon would work here ] it just sounds wrong.
Then again, selfishness, like greed, is a disease [end stop or semi ]
it slowly tears away
at the fabric of humanity [ end stop ]
[ I ]t’s manifested in anger
with hatred and ignorance [ remove ]
devouring the world like a plague.
Also, in the latter example, redundancy of simile; we suggest replacing one of the 'likes' with 'as' ( preferably the first to add to the consonance and assonance of a/s ). The ending stanza particularly needs a bit of attention:
This pestilence takes lives without judgement [ end stop or semi ]
it's an indiscriminate selection
and unnatural evolution [ end stop ]
[ H ]opefully[ , ] in time [ remove end comma ]
they too will see the light [ remove end comma ]
before it gives out in the end.
While we realize that Fulton took liberties with commas, they didn't involve separating complete sentences. As a general rule, commas are the weakest form of punctuation, since they're not strong enough to hold a complete sentence ( why we suggested end stops or semicolons in the examples above ).
Another excellent entry, Wally! We hope to see you back with us this month.
PoetsRevenge: Rearview Mirror With Baby Shoes - Third Place
As discussed on your DU profile, the technicality that really shines in Fulton's inspirational poem, Babies, is enjambment. I think she is equal to Vuong's brilliance in this aspect, as well as an emotional pull on the reader. Fulton's mastery of both in this poem is palpable and difficult to miss. You did a great job emulating both aspects of that.
Fulton's use of a double-entendre at the end of Babies
the sharp new smells, they grow and lie
as lovers. Maybe one cries
the wrong name, and the night skinning
them pleasantly alive
leaps away in shards.
Did you note what she did with 'lie'? I think this is one of the most briliant examples of Fulton's ability to shift the tone of a poem in one word, as 'lies' could be interpreted as both lying to the other, or lying within the other's arms. Fulton takes it further by displaying, in four succinct lines, an emminent heartbreak when one lover cries out the wrong name ( which is the name on their mine ( the lie ) while lying in their lover's arms ). There is no ambiguity here; the reader is left with an "Oh fuck" response, as many have committed the exact faux pas themselves, thus recognize the anguish.
The imagery in your poem was very nostalgic and, as Fulton's, evoked childhood recollections from each reader's interpretation. I particularly enjoyed the comparison to wrinkles between the car seats and baby shoes. My mother had both mine and my brother's shoes bronzed, and I remember recalling how wrinkled they were within the bronze. Wrinkles denote aging in most things. I do believe cars, as well as buildings, retain their secrets until reclaimed by nature.
You also did a great job of mimicking Fulton's ending by stating a fact in regards to the seats aging longer due to use then the shoes, which are but a fleeting moment in growth. This leaves no ambiguity in the truth of the statement that autos outlast a season of human growth.
In regards to the essence, I sensed somewhat a difference between the two: Fulton's seemed to focus on the evolution from birth to adulthood experiencing disastrous results from a faux pas ruining the entire evening ( and perhaps life ). It is uncertain if Fulton was the one who uttered the name, or was the recipient of the wrong name uttered, or if it involved her at all; it's very ambiguous; while observatory as Fulton's, yours was more family oriented, bringing that experience to the forefront with your brother's exchange, and carried on through your ending comparison between the seats and shoes.
Fulton's ending result evoked shock while yours evoked a warm memory. However, the journey was the same, so it wasn't enough to knock you out of placement. Congratulations, PR! We hope to see you back this month!
Thank you all for braving the Classic Corner, and honoring the giants who walked before and those who are still among us. We hope to see you all back again this month for Ai Ogwaga and Rabindrath Tagore:
Ai:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11599/#500247
Tagore:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11600/
Also, don't forget to vote in November's CCC Poll in the speakeasy!
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11601/
We do feel you captured a large portion of Fulton's essence in your inspirational poem, Doing the Evolution Shuffle, it's rather tame compared to Fulton's playfulness with vocabulary.
Technically, there are a few things: firstly, you meant to say "infringe" instead of "fringe". Secondly, commas; and, lastly, commas. Let's look at some stanzas:
I have a hard time understanding anti-maskers
when they claim their rights
are being fringed upon [ end stop or semi would work here ]
it’s somewhere along the lines
of anti-vaxxers [ colon would work here ] it just sounds wrong.
Then again, selfishness, like greed, is a disease [end stop or semi ]
it slowly tears away
at the fabric of humanity [ end stop ]
[ I ]t’s manifested in anger
with hatred and ignorance [ remove ]
devouring the world like a plague.
Also, in the latter example, redundancy of simile; we suggest replacing one of the 'likes' with 'as' ( preferably the first to add to the consonance and assonance of a/s ). The ending stanza particularly needs a bit of attention:
This pestilence takes lives without judgement [ end stop or semi ]
it's an indiscriminate selection
and unnatural evolution [ end stop ]
[ H ]opefully[ , ] in time [ remove end comma ]
they too will see the light [ remove end comma ]
before it gives out in the end.
While we realize that Fulton took liberties with commas, they didn't involve separating complete sentences. As a general rule, commas are the weakest form of punctuation, since they're not strong enough to hold a complete sentence ( why we suggested end stops or semicolons in the examples above ).
Another excellent entry, Wally! We hope to see you back with us this month.
PoetsRevenge: Rearview Mirror With Baby Shoes - Third Place
As discussed on your DU profile, the technicality that really shines in Fulton's inspirational poem, Babies, is enjambment. I think she is equal to Vuong's brilliance in this aspect, as well as an emotional pull on the reader. Fulton's mastery of both in this poem is palpable and difficult to miss. You did a great job emulating both aspects of that.
Fulton's use of a double-entendre at the end of Babies
the sharp new smells, they grow and lie
as lovers. Maybe one cries
the wrong name, and the night skinning
them pleasantly alive
leaps away in shards.
Did you note what she did with 'lie'? I think this is one of the most briliant examples of Fulton's ability to shift the tone of a poem in one word, as 'lies' could be interpreted as both lying to the other, or lying within the other's arms. Fulton takes it further by displaying, in four succinct lines, an emminent heartbreak when one lover cries out the wrong name ( which is the name on their mine ( the lie ) while lying in their lover's arms ). There is no ambiguity here; the reader is left with an "Oh fuck" response, as many have committed the exact faux pas themselves, thus recognize the anguish.
The imagery in your poem was very nostalgic and, as Fulton's, evoked childhood recollections from each reader's interpretation. I particularly enjoyed the comparison to wrinkles between the car seats and baby shoes. My mother had both mine and my brother's shoes bronzed, and I remember recalling how wrinkled they were within the bronze. Wrinkles denote aging in most things. I do believe cars, as well as buildings, retain their secrets until reclaimed by nature.
You also did a great job of mimicking Fulton's ending by stating a fact in regards to the seats aging longer due to use then the shoes, which are but a fleeting moment in growth. This leaves no ambiguity in the truth of the statement that autos outlast a season of human growth.
In regards to the essence, I sensed somewhat a difference between the two: Fulton's seemed to focus on the evolution from birth to adulthood experiencing disastrous results from a faux pas ruining the entire evening ( and perhaps life ). It is uncertain if Fulton was the one who uttered the name, or was the recipient of the wrong name uttered, or if it involved her at all; it's very ambiguous; while observatory as Fulton's, yours was more family oriented, bringing that experience to the forefront with your brother's exchange, and carried on through your ending comparison between the seats and shoes.
Fulton's ending result evoked shock while yours evoked a warm memory. However, the journey was the same, so it wasn't enough to knock you out of placement. Congratulations, PR! We hope to see you back this month!
Thank you all for braving the Classic Corner, and honoring the giants who walked before and those who are still among us. We hope to see you all back again this month for Ai Ogwaga and Rabindrath Tagore:
Ai:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11599/#500247
Tagore:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11600/
Also, don't forget to vote in November's CCC Poll in the speakeasy!
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/speakeasy/read/11601/
Congrats, nomoth for the win! And congrats to PoetsRevenge for your placement!
Congrats to everyone who entered. Fulton was really difficult.
Thank you for the critique. It is really helpful to see where I make mistakes. I appreciate the work that goes into it. In fact, I may have shed a tear. I’ve been writing for a long time, but until I joined DU I never really shared my poems with anyone. I’m glad that I tried the classic comps. It has boosted my confidence.
Congrats to everyone who entered. Fulton was really difficult.
Thank you for the critique. It is really helpful to see where I make mistakes. I appreciate the work that goes into it. In fact, I may have shed a tear. I’ve been writing for a long time, but until I joined DU I never really shared my poems with anyone. I’m glad that I tried the classic comps. It has boosted my confidence.
Eerie said:Congrats, nomoth for the win! And congrats to PoetsRevenge for your placement!
Congrats to everyone who entered. Fulton was really difficult.
Thank you for the critique. It is really helpful to see where I make mistakes. I appreciate the work that goes into it. In fact, I may have shed a tear. I’ve been writing for a long time, but until I joined DU I never really shared my poems with anyone. I’m glad that I tried the classic comps. It has boosted my confidence.
You're very welcome, Eerie. The critiques are designed to help you win next time. It's that simple. They target weak areas so you can strengthen your craft. We want to see you win; and if you apply the critiques, you will.
Some entrants drop after their first or second entry because they misinterpret the critique as negative. Others have gone on to be regular winners and runner-ups because they apply what they learn and don't give up.
We can all be better ( myself included ) through the eyes of others who genuinely care for our work. I'm happy you didn't give up and accept critique for what it is: a desire to see you win.
Congratulations again on your well-deserved win.
Congrats to everyone who entered. Fulton was really difficult.
Thank you for the critique. It is really helpful to see where I make mistakes. I appreciate the work that goes into it. In fact, I may have shed a tear. I’ve been writing for a long time, but until I joined DU I never really shared my poems with anyone. I’m glad that I tried the classic comps. It has boosted my confidence.
You're very welcome, Eerie. The critiques are designed to help you win next time. It's that simple. They target weak areas so you can strengthen your craft. We want to see you win; and if you apply the critiques, you will.
Some entrants drop after their first or second entry because they misinterpret the critique as negative. Others have gone on to be regular winners and runner-ups because they apply what they learn and don't give up.
We can all be better ( myself included ) through the eyes of others who genuinely care for our work. I'm happy you didn't give up and accept critique for what it is: a desire to see you win.
Congratulations again on your well-deserved win.
Ahavati said:
You're very welcome, Eerie. The critiques are designed to help you win next time. It's that simple. They target weak areas so you can strengthen your craft. We want to see you win; and if you apply the critiques, you will.
Some entrants drop after their first or second entry because they misinterpret the critique as negative. Others have gone on to be regular winners and runner-ups because they apply what they learn and don't give up.
We can all be better ( myself included ) through the eyes of others who genuinely care for our work. I'm happy you didn't give up and accept critique for what it is: a desire to see you win.
Congratulations again on your well-deserved win.
“Some poets have mastered this method, and I would not keep harping at you if I did not think you could. You have it all, Eerie: form, technicalities, spelling, grammar, essence, this is IT for you: enjambment. You master this aspect of your poetry and you'll move to a new level.”
I didn’t shed a tear about not winning. I shed a tear because of the above paragraph. I’ve never thought my scribbles were all that good, and this one paragraph made me feel that maybe I have something. I wish I had shared my writing decades ago, instead of hiding it. I’m thrilled to be learning now that I’m sharing. Thanks again
You're very welcome, Eerie. The critiques are designed to help you win next time. It's that simple. They target weak areas so you can strengthen your craft. We want to see you win; and if you apply the critiques, you will.
Some entrants drop after their first or second entry because they misinterpret the critique as negative. Others have gone on to be regular winners and runner-ups because they apply what they learn and don't give up.
We can all be better ( myself included ) through the eyes of others who genuinely care for our work. I'm happy you didn't give up and accept critique for what it is: a desire to see you win.
Congratulations again on your well-deserved win.
“Some poets have mastered this method, and I would not keep harping at you if I did not think you could. You have it all, Eerie: form, technicalities, spelling, grammar, essence, this is IT for you: enjambment. You master this aspect of your poetry and you'll move to a new level.”
I didn’t shed a tear about not winning. I shed a tear because of the above paragraph. I’ve never thought my scribbles were all that good, and this one paragraph made me feel that maybe I have something. I wish I had shared my writing decades ago, instead of hiding it. I’m thrilled to be learning now that I’m sharing. Thanks again
Eerie said:
I didn’t shed a tear about not winning. I shed a tear because of the above paragraph. I’ve never thought my scribbles were all that good, and this one paragraph made me feel that maybe I have something. I wish I had shared my writing decades ago, instead of hiding it. I’m thrilled to be learning now that I’m sharing. Thanks again
But you did win! It may not have been first place, but you won, lady. I didn't get the impression you shed a tear because you didn't take first place; I felt exactly what you said, that you hadn't believed in yourself enough to share with the world.
I am sure I can speak for Johnny too when I say that the bolded part makes us very happy. That is the spirit of these comps. Thank you for confirming it.
We look forward to seeing you this month! xo
I didn’t shed a tear about not winning. I shed a tear because of the above paragraph. I’ve never thought my scribbles were all that good, and this one paragraph made me feel that maybe I have something. I wish I had shared my writing decades ago, instead of hiding it. I’m thrilled to be learning now that I’m sharing. Thanks again
But you did win! It may not have been first place, but you won, lady. I didn't get the impression you shed a tear because you didn't take first place; I felt exactly what you said, that you hadn't believed in yourself enough to share with the world.
I am sure I can speak for Johnny too when I say that the bolded part makes us very happy. That is the spirit of these comps. Thank you for confirming it.
We look forward to seeing you this month! xo
Thank you so much and big congrats to Eerie and PoetsRevenge, like Vuong last month this was definitely a challenge.
Thank you Ahavati also for the excellent critique. Yes the 1st line I wanted to emulate a something like a mid-conversation interruption, so I maybe should have placed some ellipses there. I am kicking myself over missing the details, the same with my Yeats entries.
Big big congrats to all the entries again, this is always a chance to learn something so useful about ourselves and our writing.
Thank you Ahavati also for the excellent critique. Yes the 1st line I wanted to emulate a something like a mid-conversation interruption, so I maybe should have placed some ellipses there. I am kicking myself over missing the details, the same with my Yeats entries.
Big big congrats to all the entries again, this is always a chance to learn something so useful about ourselves and our writing.
nomoth said:Thank you so much and big congrats to Eerie and PoetsRevenge, like Vuong last month this was definitely a challenge.
Thank you Ahavati also for the excellent critique. Yes the 1st line I wanted to emulate a something like a mid-conversation interruption, so I maybe should have placed some ellipses there. I am kicking myself over missing the details, the same with my Yeats entries.
Big big congrats to all the entries again, this is always a chance to learn something so useful about ourselves and our writing.
You're very welcome, nomoth. As Johnny and I were reviewing your entry, I noted that because your visual was in book format, I had to wonder if it was a continuation from the previous page, and we concluded it was most likely intentional. And, yes, ellipses would've been perfect.
I wouldn't kick myself too much if I were you. You have a very unique sytle ( much like Danny does ). That is a very good thing; however, it was also very difficult to discern between intention and error when we first started reading your work. We almost felt like we didn't know how to help you. But now that we are familiar with you, it's easier to ascertain the difference, and offer at least something beneficial.
Though not nearly what you offer us in terms of unique quality. We look forward to seeing you this month! We'll be crowning our 2020 King/Queen of the Classics in just a few months, which includes a specially designed trophy!
This year has flown!
Thank you Ahavati also for the excellent critique. Yes the 1st line I wanted to emulate a something like a mid-conversation interruption, so I maybe should have placed some ellipses there. I am kicking myself over missing the details, the same with my Yeats entries.
Big big congrats to all the entries again, this is always a chance to learn something so useful about ourselves and our writing.
You're very welcome, nomoth. As Johnny and I were reviewing your entry, I noted that because your visual was in book format, I had to wonder if it was a continuation from the previous page, and we concluded it was most likely intentional. And, yes, ellipses would've been perfect.
I wouldn't kick myself too much if I were you. You have a very unique sytle ( much like Danny does ). That is a very good thing; however, it was also very difficult to discern between intention and error when we first started reading your work. We almost felt like we didn't know how to help you. But now that we are familiar with you, it's easier to ascertain the difference, and offer at least something beneficial.
Though not nearly what you offer us in terms of unique quality. We look forward to seeing you this month! We'll be crowning our 2020 King/Queen of the Classics in just a few months, which includes a specially designed trophy!
This year has flown!
Thank you again. I think one of the things I am coming to terms with, having one's writing exposed to and being read by so many others, is to keep an eye on that 'respect' for the reader.
I, like so many other writers here, can write from pure emotion and feeling but by considering and respecting that space of time that someone takes to read ones writes, not only for the ease and flow that they can read the piece(punctuation/form, etc), but also respect for their intelligence and freedom to place their own visualization/feelings onto the words, can only be a positive thing.
Again, I am still coming to terms with this though it seems such a basic premise. These cc comps have opened my eyes and imagination and are always exciting creatively to enter and I am also so happy that you are willing to accept and consider the use of visual imagery with the word.
thanks again and as always looking forward to this months comp.
I, like so many other writers here, can write from pure emotion and feeling but by considering and respecting that space of time that someone takes to read ones writes, not only for the ease and flow that they can read the piece(punctuation/form, etc), but also respect for their intelligence and freedom to place their own visualization/feelings onto the words, can only be a positive thing.
Again, I am still coming to terms with this though it seems such a basic premise. These cc comps have opened my eyes and imagination and are always exciting creatively to enter and I am also so happy that you are willing to accept and consider the use of visual imagery with the word.
thanks again and as always looking forward to this months comp.
Nomoth, what you just mentioned about writing from pure emotion is one of the toughest lessons I have learned. Newer poets particularly get so involved in the emotion of their poem they don't leave room for outside interpretation, much less how to guide the reader. They are also very attached to the poem emotionally; thus, any type of constructive critique has a very high chance of offending them due to their attachment.
The best piece of advice I could give a new writer would be to put the poem up until you can read it without emotion. Then submit it for feedback. A seasoned writer is able to distance themselves almost instantly in regards to feedback. Whereas the novice writer hinges on the reader to understand * exactly * where he's coming from. This is impossible if the novice has been ambiguous, as the reader is not personally aware of the circumstance outside of their own personal experience.
Thank you for your kind words regarding the classics; what you've described is exactly their purpose: a literary trebuchet for serious poets ( and we mean those who truly want to improve their art ).
The best piece of advice I could give a new writer would be to put the poem up until you can read it without emotion. Then submit it for feedback. A seasoned writer is able to distance themselves almost instantly in regards to feedback. Whereas the novice writer hinges on the reader to understand * exactly * where he's coming from. This is impossible if the novice has been ambiguous, as the reader is not personally aware of the circumstance outside of their own personal experience.
Thank you for your kind words regarding the classics; what you've described is exactly their purpose: a literary trebuchet for serious poets ( and we mean those who truly want to improve their art ).
Ahavati said:Nomoth, what you just mentioned about writing from pure emotion is one of the toughest lessons I have learned. Newer poets particularly get so involved in the emotion of their poem they don't leave room for outside interpretation, much less how to guide the reader. They are also very attached to the poem emotionally; thus, any type of constructive critique has a very high chance of offending them due to their attachment.
The best piece of advice I could give a new writer would be to put the poem up until you can read it without emotion. Then submit it for feedback. A seasoned writer is able to distance themselves almost instantly in regards to feedback. Whereas the novice writer hinges on the reader to understand * exactly * where he's coming from. This is impossible if the novice has been ambiguous, as the reader is not personally aware of the circumstance outside of their own personal experience.
Thank you for your kind words regarding the classics; what you've described is exactly their purpose: a literary trebuchet for serious poets ( and we mean those who truly want to improve their art ).
These really are words of wisdom. Another thing I might add that I experienced, although it can be emotional to share your poetry in the beginning as a novice, the more you keep attempting it, you eventually reach a tipping point of sorts, or maybe it's a watershed moment, where the realization that you are creating enligjtenment becomes its own reward and the whole thing becomes positive. I guess its like many things in life that way, effort pays off in time. I might be quoting Vuong a bit there, as he referred to his own imperfections proving worthy enough for significant poetry, his story exemplifying that.
Congrats to Nomoth for your winning entry and Eerie for runner up, it was an honor to place among such talent and skill. Also, thanks to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati. The critique was really helpful in its detail.
The best piece of advice I could give a new writer would be to put the poem up until you can read it without emotion. Then submit it for feedback. A seasoned writer is able to distance themselves almost instantly in regards to feedback. Whereas the novice writer hinges on the reader to understand * exactly * where he's coming from. This is impossible if the novice has been ambiguous, as the reader is not personally aware of the circumstance outside of their own personal experience.
Thank you for your kind words regarding the classics; what you've described is exactly their purpose: a literary trebuchet for serious poets ( and we mean those who truly want to improve their art ).
These really are words of wisdom. Another thing I might add that I experienced, although it can be emotional to share your poetry in the beginning as a novice, the more you keep attempting it, you eventually reach a tipping point of sorts, or maybe it's a watershed moment, where the realization that you are creating enligjtenment becomes its own reward and the whole thing becomes positive. I guess its like many things in life that way, effort pays off in time. I might be quoting Vuong a bit there, as he referred to his own imperfections proving worthy enough for significant poetry, his story exemplifying that.
Congrats to Nomoth for your winning entry and Eerie for runner up, it was an honor to place among such talent and skill. Also, thanks to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati. The critique was really helpful in its detail.
PoetsRevenge said:
These really are words of wisdom. Another thing I might add that I experienced, although it can be emotional to share your poetry in the beginning as a novice, the more you keep attempting it, you eventually reach a tipping point of sorts, or maybe it's a watershed moment, where the realization that you are creating enligjtenment becomes its own reward and the whole thing becomes positive. I guess its like many things in life that way, effort pays off in time. I might be quoting Vuong a bit there, as he referred to his own imperfections proving worthy enough for significant poetry, his story exemplifying that.
Congrats to Nomoth for your winning entry and Eerie for runner up, it was an honor to place among such talent and skill. Also, thanks to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati. The critique was really helpful in its detail.
Excellent addendum, PoetsRevenge. I completely agree. Particularly with the watershed moment when creating enlightenment becomes its own reward. As Gibran said in, On Love:
Love has no other desire but to fulfil
itself.
These really are words of wisdom. Another thing I might add that I experienced, although it can be emotional to share your poetry in the beginning as a novice, the more you keep attempting it, you eventually reach a tipping point of sorts, or maybe it's a watershed moment, where the realization that you are creating enligjtenment becomes its own reward and the whole thing becomes positive. I guess its like many things in life that way, effort pays off in time. I might be quoting Vuong a bit there, as he referred to his own imperfections proving worthy enough for significant poetry, his story exemplifying that.
Congrats to Nomoth for your winning entry and Eerie for runner up, it was an honor to place among such talent and skill. Also, thanks to our hosts, Johnny and Ahavati. The critique was really helpful in its detail.
Excellent addendum, PoetsRevenge. I completely agree. Particularly with the watershed moment when creating enlightenment becomes its own reward. As Gibran said in, On Love:
Love has no other desire but to fulfil
itself.
