The Pain Inside

Let's talk about

Let's talk about how from day one I was fucked
I was giiven so liittle chance to even get iinto the world
And even then thiis flesh carcass triied to cull me
And heliicopters saved me
Machiines embedded iinto me
Keepiing thiis liittle baby from up and dyiing
Because iit was theiir job
How from year siix I was cryiing myself to sleep
My flesh priison tryiing to cull me agaiin, felt liike I was dyiing wiith each breath
A new scar, another hiidden mark
Cornered iin the schoolyard
Mocked for drawiing, for wriitiing, for tryiing to show how I was diifferent
Wriitten on my report cards
That I refused to repeat that whiich I had learned
Told I wouldn't amount to anythiing unless I worked at the same pace everyone else diid
Scolded when I poiinted out hiistory that saved liives
Was made by goiing ahead of the system, was made by beiing diifferent
My legs were damaged, my wheelchaiir, a shopping cart

Let's talk about year ten, when I was hurt agaiin
Moved iinto a too-small home full of drugs and anger
So much that I took to the streets, whiich weren't that much safer
But gave me a better place to stay
The years when shiit hiit the fan
I was barred from the bathrooms, the lunch liine, the schoolyard
Punched, kiicked, beaten untiil I diidn't know my head from the diirt on the floor..
Emotiions were turned iinto rocks iin my stomach
Mocked for short hair, for being a girl,
For not buyiing friiendshiip wiith a key
For not knockiing theiir asses to the ground liike my iinner cold-blooded freak,
For not fiightiing liike my hot-headed creep
And when I fiinally diid, I was cast out for beiing a monster

And let's talk about year twelve
New school, new house
New bulliies and new liines , I couldnt see straiight,
And was ran untiil I collapsed from paiin, then made to run another lap after class
For “slackiing”
When I could've been usiing my energy to do other thiings
Books and biinders and spiit knocked out of me every day
Dragged iinto the sliides and bathrooms to play “doctor”
Spiit on, called a slut for weariing long sleeves and jeans
And choked for getting in between too many people
Let's talk about when I met my best friiend
She was so much more, she was my other half,
And the only thiing that could calm me down
When I went on one of my many rages

Lets talk about year thirteen
Raped to and from school because they thought I was a defenseless giirl
Giving me a hesitation near any road
Or to even step out of the gates wiithout a kniife
Because iif you walk unarmed, no matter how strong, you'll be cornered and taken down
Even iin the hallways of school
Where agaiin, I was barred from everythiing
The bathrooms, the food, the tables, the liines, outsiide and anywhere that wasn't a griimy corner desk farthest from the door.. `
Bullied for looks, for not haviing a group, for knowiing too many thiings

Let's talk about watchiing..
I watched her take her liife because I was too far away to run
The full diistance I needed to in order for her to be saved
I watched water go from red to pink, and that's what I see iif I sleep
I watched my iinsomniia grow, I saw depressiion wrappiing theiir arms around me
I watched my miind fragment and the tests come back
I watched my voiice go siilent and my liife start to diie
I watched my knowledge learn as to how liife iis
And how I can stiill do thiings even iif I can barely use my legs
I watched days pass me by, blendiing untiill I had no sense of tiime
I watched niightmares flash every tiime I closed my eyes..
I watched my liife crumble wiith what was left of my saniity
I watched scars appear and diissapear untiil I ran out of space to bore holes iin my body

Let's talk about thiis
About the thiings I diid
About the tiime I waste
About the thiings I promiised I'd do
And let fade away

Let's talk about today
When nothiing was done
And iit was just a repeat of yesterday
When I shouldn't be awake

Let's talk about new meds
And new songs
And a place I thought I'd belong

Let's talk about goiing somewhere thiinkiing iit would be better
Beiing promiised iit would be better
Let's talk about everythiing fadiing away
About not beiing able to close my eyes
Let's talk about hate and damage

Let's talk about reasons
About changiing names
Let's talk about adviice
About haviing too much to do
About a haze
About Tiime and Heart and Space

Let's talk about beiing alone iin a Voiid
Beiing absurd
Destroyiing Liife and spiilling Blood
About iit beeing that much worse, forgettiing what dreams feel liike
About death and Doom and forgettiing Light

Let's talk about shaking, questiions, paiin
Let's talk about tryiing to make up for miistakes and tryiing too hard
However clowniishly, iin my own messed up way
Let's talk about tryiing to help everyone make up and have a chance at a good liife that we were all robbed of
Let's talk about trustiing strangers wiith a liife's story
Let's talk about a siingle Breath
Let's talk about layiing around and thiinkiing out loud
Let's talk about spliittiing wiith realiity and destroyiing Hope wiith Rage
Let's talk about beiing a Priince
About beiing able to do anythiing
Then rememberiing that beiing out of liine iin thiis world gets you nowhere
Let's talk about paiin and blood and tears and voiid consumiing every liife
Let's talk about stupiid rhymes and efforts and seeiing so many diie
Let's talk about all of you seeing thiis and knowiing me better than anybody
Let's talk about hatiing every liiviing thiing
Let's talk about the edge of a blade

Let's talk about stars goiing dark, about fakiing everythiing
About worthlessness and all of that beiing all my fault
Let's talk about all the promiises I couldn't keep
About the uniiverse tryiing to kiill me every tiime I try
About beiing mentally iill, unstable, emotiionally crushed, and overall fucked up
About beiing  maniipulated, beiing used as a tool, losiing my Mind

Let's talk about how the uniiverse wiill not let me sleep

Lonely:

I find that a quaint typing of dissembled thoughts
is easier than finding a new piece of paper
after a single tear falls,
which is mistaken for an ink stain.
After all, I didn't really want to write tonight,
just say "Hello" to an empty page.

Hard Pill to Swallow:

If I were to admit that my heart is still broken,
would you accept my love for you
with tears before every kiss,
and my body clinging too long during every hug?

When you push my feelings under my rug of hurt
with a joke that was enticed,
but later applauded by laughter and
no harsh feelings,
remember that I'm not as strong as you.

Decrease in Elevation:

My heart skips two floors;
straight to the throat,
when I see you with her.

Was she there when you were on your knees,
begging [me] for comfort,
but mostly,
release?

I never said I need you,
but where are we headed?
Am I just another girl
riding the elevator?

Good Bye

She stares down at the city,
With tears in her eyes.
Never in her entire life, has she been so hurt.
Shaking she takes a photo of two people out of her pocket.
With a sigh,
As more tears fall upon her shirt.
She simply lets the wind rip it from her grip,
"Good Bye." She whispers and walks away.

a cold grey path
Have any of you stood on the brink of an abyss..... And as I stare down into that hollow grave plot dug to the depths only hells serpentine whore knows how truly deep... I stare dumbfounded by the elegance of the cold way hells lakes burn so deep and yet ignite such a primal lust  a lust for peace only your insanity seems to be the only logical way to silence the screams of so many unjustly punished hopes and dreams of your ignorant youth.... And the serpentine s intoxicating song is so damming we can't even believe all the corpse's we must tumble down to drink in her lyrics....... For ever yours old friend
       J.C. Vazquez

Empty Inside
You Broke Me Darling..
and Now You'll Awake,
and You'll Find me Dead,
Every Night It'll Haunt you.. How you could Practically Hear My Heart Break,
I use to Feel So Fucking Empty Inside,
You'd Never Understand..
How It Felt.. to want to die every single Day,
Empty Inside,
You never even Cared!
So It'll Haunt you Every Night..
You Almost Hearing My Neck Break,
You Tore me Apart Dear,
and Now I'll Watch From Afar,
As You Weep, For Breaking me,
I'll Watch you everynight, When you Cry For Breaking My Heart,
I'll Watch Until you Die,
Until I Fade away,
Until You too Feel Empty Inside..

Grim

The sickest person I have ever met
Was a girl that greeted me with a smile
Should of know it was false
Life is only constant pain
So for anyone to act so happy to me is just fake
So get over it
Get over yourself
And come see me
Come into my reality
So I can show you that you must embrace the hurt  
Maybe that makes me miserable and without friends  
I don’t care it’s my life and I will be myself  
So tell everyone to stay away
Because if they need you to make up their minds  
Then they can fuck off, I hate them too!... With respect Grim
So get over it
Get over yourself  
But as for me, I shall never change
It would make me something different
And that means I would just be going through the motions  
Being something that I’m not with low self-esteem
Having everyone taking advantage of me  
Oh yeah, that’s the life
My bad, you were on the right track  
I would be happier being a douche bag
So I’m over it
I’m over your shit
You’re not that unhappy but I am  
So get the fuck away from me if you don’t like this depression
It will illuminate while I puke in your mouth  
I scream so loud!!!!

“Rest In Peace”

He was so little and innocent, a boy of 5 who found his first love early on,
It was on the asphalt of dreams, basketball was the one,
It spoke to him in a language specifically for him,
It taught him that the game was a version of life that could be played in all types of gyms.

He was seduced by the freedom of creativity,
And he gave all of his time to shield him from the negativity,
This is where he learned to battle the demons that would soon find their way into his life,
But little did he know he would be ill-prepared for the coming strife.

Now a boy of 8 or 9 and tragedy is becoming a normalcy for such the young mind,
His basketball never leaves his side, but the demons demand more of a grind,
He had no home to go to, but a green fiat abandoned in an alleyway,
He was lost in every sense, his big brother not much older, trying to help him find his way.

The weight of the world had taken residence upon his undeveloped shoulders to bear,
Without regard to his miniature, frail frame, the world did not care,
Each corner digging itself deeper and deeper creating room for a boulder,
He would forever carry in life this chip on his shoulder.

But it was when he was 10yrs old did the fatality of his life occur,
When the person he was supposed to become was stolen away from him, by a shadow in the night, a hazy blur,
A perpetual removal of self-worth and destruction of anything that would ever be pure,
How did he ever escape or even endure?

His mind trapped the misery and promised to never allow it to surface ever again,
And he promised himself at that moment that nobody would ever take advantage of him ever again,
He suppressed any evidence that a fatality occurred, a moment never told,
The person he was supposed to be died that day from his own strangle-hold.

He has now become a man with a foundation that has endured cracks throughout time,
This has given room for the deep rooted atrocities to reach towards the sky to uncover the crime,
Unable to contain the festering demons of a time long ago,
He thrashes around and lashes out trying to control his mental overthrow.

This young boy became a man, who learned to treat his own wounds with temporary aid,
He learned that because he was hurt that someone else would end up the one to pay,
Only to find out that he would be the one to pay at a greater cost,
This brought him full circle of being lost.

The time is gone and the little boys’ yells were lost in the air,
It was only the chaos from the man he became that threw his life into despair,
But he has begun to nurture and tend to the soil feeding his tree,
I am on a journey to finally lie to rest that helpless, scared, little boy inside of me.

I feel like yelling off the tallest cliff,
a voice to echo this lonely abyss.
Scream all the air out of my lungs,
Knowing my struggles are far from won,
Rain is in the forecast. Today. Tomorrow.
fill up this pool let me drown in my sorrows.
 
a lone bubble leaks from my tightly sealed lips,
as i slip into the darkness like a solar eclipse,
One wish wouldn't be enough to stop this tragedy,
so the pain drains as I  look on absently,
I let this water rush into my cavities,
making me forget what is the matter with me.

They are too many hiding inside my heart,
They became rock-solid now that they don't anymore hurt.
Tears had stopped falling a long time ago,
But the memories still haunts and don't let the pains totally go.

They are about everything one can have in life and lost,
Family, Love, Career, Friendship and everything I tried to hold on at any cost.
Only the pillow and the walls knows,
How my insomnia occured and grows.

It's always gloomy and melancholic inside,
No matter how hard my smiles try them to go hide.
Success, Hope, Dreams all are mere words for me now,
I don't know why it happened to me or how!

I tried to commit suicide several times,
I'm innocent still it seems as if my life is full of crimes.
Psychiatrist and counseling also failed to cure me,
Only I know how much pain I have in my heart so deeply.

Talking about those, no more gives any relief
I lost all my faiths and beliefs.
There are people I agree whose wounds are deeper,
But this knowledge doesn't make my pains any lesser.

So, it's better to keep The Pain Inside,
Because sharing them won't give me any pride.
There's no more reasons left for me to thrive,
I just somehow pass my days without being 'alive'.

PsychicApocalypse said:My Dark Valentine


Silver Tears,
and twinkling lights.
The lunar eclipse,
engulfs the night.
This heart is filled
with empty sighs.
An unnatural agony,
on this moonlit Valentine

How do I take back
the attachment,
that keeps me hypnotized,
by your presence?
The melting clocks
of history passing by.
I wish I had the power,
to freeze over time.

Just for a mili-second,
to stop perfection
in the connection,
of our thumping beats.
I should have reckon,
the destruction,
ripping through supernatural protection,
submitting to the deceit.

I don't need your sweets,
I have no need for roses.
Leave me be,
for dusk is quickly approaching.

Silver leaves,
from golden branches.
The whispering wind
chooses who it fancies.
The crack, the sizzle,
in this insufferable heat.
Melting it's cold surroundings,
tears of love, I bleed.

The Goddess,
my ultimate witness,
to this heart rending moment.
Burning pretty red roses
converting them into ashes
making them feel what it's like
being broken.

Let the moon be the seer,
Of silver drops,
in the middle of an eclipsed night.
As I let this pain subside,
As the venom is purged from the inside.
That hazardous love left by
my Dark Valentine.

Keep your dreadful chocolates,
I despise your death wish roses.
Let me continue the tears in my coffin,
and shield myself from the dawn that approaches.

(Liked it.👍 Have many similarities with one of my deepest pains.)

Thanks for making me a runner up and congratulations too Fallen Angel.

Feel honored to be noticed.