deepundergroundpoetry.com
Beautiful One My Lovely Fairy
I take my fair lady
deep into the forest
to a magical meadow
fairies bedecked in their finest robes
spun from moonbeams
they sparkle with luminous skin
feeling your pain
they give you a healing elixir
you being the Goddess of these creatures
slowly they get you to open up
you've been stuck in perpetual winter
longing to show you its spring here always
your eyes seeing only the frozen grounds
with the first sip of potion they've given you
your third eye eases open
as you start to relax
your Master is here
he has been awaiting your presence
for an eternity
he takes you in his arms
kisses you passionately
I blush in innocence
longing to brush against
your rose colored lips
the fairies dance around you
your mood elevated to that of merriment
they take the shroud you've been wearing
casting it in the fire
dressing you in sun kissed silks
with the properties to make you fly
you turn and see you have sprouted wings
so beautiful you are we all have great love
for you our glorious Queen
so grateful to have you gracing
us with your presence once again
we take flight in the night sky
you turn to your Master
asking "what is our destination?"
he says "wherever your heart desires"
Published 8th Oct 2015
| Edited 9th Oct 2015
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 17
reading list entries 2
comments 30
reads 1257
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 25th Sep 2020 3:45am
8th Oct 2015 7:39am
<< post removed >>
8th Oct 2015 1:52pm
8th Oct 2015 2:23pm
8th Oct 2015 3:18pm
Anonymous
8th Oct 2015 3:33pm
Crim,
A magical write from a magical lady! Loved your line:
"I blush in innocence
longing to brush against
your rose colored lips"
Enjoyed!!!
tornado
A magical write from a magical lady! Loved your line:
"I blush in innocence
longing to brush against
your rose colored lips"
Enjoyed!!!
tornado
8th Oct 2015 3:46pm
8th Oct 2015 5:58pm
Honey,
This came from such an elegant, romantic tongue,
You are quite versatile and so elequent here.
Straight to RL
Love
Jennifer
This came from such an elegant, romantic tongue,
You are quite versatile and so elequent here.
Straight to RL
Love
Jennifer
10th Oct 2015 3:08pm
8th Oct 2015 6:49pm
Brenda, this is beautiful.. i love every line.. such brilliant work.. your pen is very passionate my friend.. always follow it.. into my list it goes.. with love, and respect...
Dave
Dave
10th Oct 2015 3:10pm
8th Oct 2015 7:34pm
the golden imagery is amazing, with a little bit of crimsin here and there... go girl...
10th Oct 2015 3:11pm
8th Oct 2015 9:40pm
A perfect fantasy Crim! The fairies add sparkle until the Master arrives, and he proves a perfect gentleman.
" you turn to your Master
asking "what is our destination?"
he says "wherever you heart desires"
This one soars, Crim. Pure magic!
" you turn to your Master
asking "what is our destination?"
he says "wherever you heart desires"
This one soars, Crim. Pure magic!
10th Oct 2015 3:12pm
Anonymous
9th Oct 2015 1:00am
<< post removed >>
10th Oct 2015 3:14pm
9th Oct 2015 1:54am
Beautiful! Picturing Tinkerbell in this piece. Magically Devine! 💕Sissy
10th Oct 2015 3:15pm
9th Oct 2015 2:44am
Brenda this was beautiful. You are a
truly gifted lady. Able to write about what ever subject matter you desire. This was so beautiful, filled with so many lovely images.
Thank you for yet another glimpse
into such a beautiful, complex mind.
Keith
truly gifted lady. Able to write about what ever subject matter you desire. This was so beautiful, filled with so many lovely images.
Thank you for yet another glimpse
into such a beautiful, complex mind.
Keith
10th Oct 2015 3:16pm
a truly beautiful write crimsin. it's like reading a fairy tale form some of my favorite fantasy novels.
thank for sharing
thank for sharing
10th Oct 2015 3:17pm
9th Oct 2015 9:20pm
A couple of grammatical things first: "it's" should be "its" in verse four because it's a possessive, not an abbreviation of "it is", and "you" should be "your" in the poem's last line.
Now, on to the meat of the piece: the story is a good one, atmospheric and imaginative, appealing to a deep emotional need for acceptance and magic in many people. However, the story is executed in a very rushed and matter-of-fact way, which seriously detracts from appreciation of it. The first step to overcoming this may be to delete the "I" from the first verse and write the whole poem in the second person. The second step may be to slow the narrative right down. Instead of pulling us from one action to the next like a bullet train, evoke your world in little observations. For instance, these verses:
"your eyes seeing only the frozen grounds
with the first sip of potion they've given you
your third eye eases open
as you start to relax
your Master is here
he has been awaiting your presence"
...could be sharpened into something like this:
"Frozen earth is all you can see.
They hold a potion to your lips,
you drink. Like some old door, Third Eye opens.
You relax and the Master arrives,
he has expected you,
and you, of course, are here."
These are just my suggestions, and I hope they help! xxx
Now, on to the meat of the piece: the story is a good one, atmospheric and imaginative, appealing to a deep emotional need for acceptance and magic in many people. However, the story is executed in a very rushed and matter-of-fact way, which seriously detracts from appreciation of it. The first step to overcoming this may be to delete the "I" from the first verse and write the whole poem in the second person. The second step may be to slow the narrative right down. Instead of pulling us from one action to the next like a bullet train, evoke your world in little observations. For instance, these verses:
"your eyes seeing only the frozen grounds
with the first sip of potion they've given you
your third eye eases open
as you start to relax
your Master is here
he has been awaiting your presence"
...could be sharpened into something like this:
"Frozen earth is all you can see.
They hold a potion to your lips,
you drink. Like some old door, Third Eye opens.
You relax and the Master arrives,
he has expected you,
and you, of course, are here."
These are just my suggestions, and I hope they help! xxx
10th Oct 2015 3:21pm
Dearest Jack thank you for your honest critique it's deeply appreciated..
I fixed the grammatical errors..
really this would have been better as a short story then it wouldn't read in such a hurried fashion..
I won't change this one but I will remember your advise for future writes..
your thoughts are deeply cherished thank you..
love Crimsin
I fixed the grammatical errors..
really this would have been better as a short story then it wouldn't read in such a hurried fashion..
I won't change this one but I will remember your advise for future writes..
your thoughts are deeply cherished thank you..
love Crimsin
9th Oct 2015 11:44pm
The cadence, and imagery is breathtaking.. I was swept away within this magical paradise... This poem is nectar to a parched heart... Love it.. - blue angel .. testes wings... lovely
10th Oct 2015 3:22pm
10th Oct 2015 9:04am
I cannot even pick a favorite as we know well you've captured the
Faerie Queen's heart w/this, darlins Brenda!
magic fondles your pen purrfectly in uplifting lines.
your lovely cascade is a a soft blushing snuggle to add
beautiful shine on a blessing we so cherish!
**perfect, everywhere!.sez me ;) *mwahs
loves this and you,
~d
Faerie Queen's heart w/this, darlins Brenda!
magic fondles your pen purrfectly in uplifting lines.
your lovely cascade is a a soft blushing snuggle to add
beautiful shine on a blessing we so cherish!
**perfect, everywhere!.sez me ;) *mwahs
loves this and you,
~d
10th Oct 2015 3:23pm
11th Oct 2015 2:58am
11th Oct 2015 4:50am
