babyunicorns

Blank

Within my mind trying to think about what truly is deep inside as I sat alone in this room looking outside my window there is nothing but a empty sky so beautiful and blue but yet I ’m still blank without a clue I guess I’m a person that’s been abused an rather sad at times but yet I live my life trying to piece together what left of my mind I am a beautiful person that not many know because I lock myself really deep inside afraid of love or just to touch another soul I’m  not blacken like I sometimes think its just that I feel so lost and confused inside trying to deal with a blank sort of state of mind I am starting to understand why I am afraid to touch in any sort of way to another person I don’t want them to see how truly deep I am and how much love I have I guess I ’m  just afraid of losing someone I truly love and have touch  with my soul so I stay here lock in a room I call a home trying to stay blank and empty which  I am don’t I’m a person that has problems in side their mind just like  any other person I deal with it in my own time and  with my writing I do it help me I have no one really to talk too and just wish to speak and truly be heard I have many mental issues and people shy away from me cause of that I do act crazy at times but that just me deal with a bi-polar state of mind and sometime even my way of deal with the other people that live inside my mind which  is not a easy thing for other people to handle about me I have PTSD and live in a nightmare some of times but really I am a good person that people should know I am also a addict that is in recover and have not used in almost 4 years and still  at times want to use and it hard for me to say no at times but still I fight for my recover and my family respect and wish to regain my trust back with people that I have hurt and so many ways I can’t even count them am a person with many dreams and hope of a better life and the ability to help other in my life I do get suicidal at time but will not take my life for my work in this world is not done and only God knows when my time will be an I have a deep faith in him that I held all my life even the time I have tried to die my God saved my life so I have to believe in him I use to think that ending my life would some how solve my problems with in this life but that would just being sorrow to the people of my life and I am truly not a person that want to bring them pain however I have and I feel bad about that but the only thing that is going to heal that is time and that all I have truly is to much time on my hands I need friends that truly care and try to understand I am also very caring about the people I know and would never hurt a living soul I have many scares I try to hide I am a survivor of so many thing I’m proud of what kind of person I have become within this life and just want to share my experiences I have had in my life and hope that I can help someone that has been through hell and just can’t speak about it  I have spent many years in  therapy and have learn to control my emotions and to deal with it the best way I can I am not out to hurt no-one or myself I also am a person that been divorced twice and have had two children that I love with all my heart but have lost touch with them and this hurt me deep inside they have there own life and have had for years with out me so I am trying to come back into there life but not doing very good with that but I am going to keep trying blank I guess I’m not I have a lot to say about myself I love to write it my escape from life I love to love life and all the people that live within it  and my enemies I wish no bad thing  or pain to come to them that just me and if someone would come to me that I didn’t  know and need water or a the cloths on my back I would give them just that so many people are afraid of what I am going to next and the person that the years have made me to come but truly I am just me if you was to look in my eyes you would see pain and love passion and a deep serene peace that I have truly found a peace with in myself that within my writing and even  if its crazy sometimes and confusing to other I am at peace when I write I have little friends but the ones I do I cherish them an love them very deeply I am a listener and always have been and the people that know me know that about me some  think I am a careless cold and dark person but truly I am not love and passion runs deep with my veins so I guess I am not blank or cold or alone I am a wonderful and beautiful and deep person inside this mind and body I hate scary movies but love comedy And sappy love movies I love animals but I scared to death of spiders and snakes I don’t care to much for full elevators’ I rather wait for a empty one I think of a door is a extension of a wall that sometimes needs to be closes but yet open again to see what outside it my glass is sometimes empty even if it full just because like other I do get depressed at time but work through  them like most  do there have been times in my life I thought I would never get over it but I have I write about it to remind me of the true survivor I am my life has been hard but it been a beautiful one and made me the person I am today which is a strong and loving one but blank I am not or am I boring I hate traditions I think they are dole I think people should do their own thing and screw the bullshit of traditions that other have made I believe you should always be true to yourself always and be your own person and say fuck them that don’t like what you are or you stand for people my think that rude but it no ruder then someone disliking you for what you are I believe that what is wrong with world to much hate and judgmental people if we would just let each other be what we are and try to respect that and help the other that need it I guess I am a dreamer but that is also just me I am sometimes fast to anger when I have to much on my plate but most of the time I am passive I  hate to fight and I am a very forgiving person even to some that really piss me off I put myself in there shoes and try to understand their fault and strengths’ I am don’t a perfect person in no means I too have faults and try my best to learn from them and not do my mistakes again and I do fail at that most of the time I am not proud of that about me and I working on that I use to love pain an would hurt myself just to feel pain I felt that was the only way to release my pain that why I have so many tattoos’ I was addicted to them but that  too was a learning experiences and I did learn I don’t need pain to feel or a drug to be num I have passions’ in my life like music and writing and listen to the birds sing and having fun with others I am not one of those kind of people that have to have thing go there way or a neat freak I’m rather mess person lacking of order but I do get a sick of the mess and clean it up I sometimes just look up at the night sky and imagine what out there I have a hard time believing that we are all that out there I believe in angles I also believe that people have the right to have their own beliefs’ I don’t feel like that there should just be one faith in god because people should have the right to there own religions ways and see god in their own way for religion and faith are is very personal relationship with God which I have become very close to he has took so many of my problems away from me by touching my doctors minds helping them get me the right medication to help me so people think I can or never will chance but I have being sober has help me so much people that use to know me same to think I’m still a suicidal and unstable person I sometimes do come confused an very thing I say comes out mess up and make no sent but that does not mean I am crazy or people need to worry that I becoming to fuck up and ready to blow my head off God has to the desires for woman out of my life and I thank him for that its really cause me a lot of grief during my life thinking I would never be  able to be loved by god for being that way I ask him to take the pain away from my pass he has done that I like all kinds of music from rap to gospel I love walk on the beach and the water on my feet I love to see the sunrise over the mountains and watch the sunset in the ocean I seen both and I think my favorite it the is the sunset it like the sun just drops of the plant I love to hike and fishing and ride motor cycles I like to take the time to look and smell the flowers that are blooming I also star gaze blank I am not I am smarter then I appear at times I’m a analyzer or everything that go on around me sometimes it take  me a while to get it but I do I am also a daydreamer at times I just space out but do come back to related but that just a defenses for me because so times I truly don’t want to hear what other have got to say I am sometimes always right but I will omit when I am wrong and I do stop for animals in the road and if it a turtle I stop and help it cross the road I believe in giving everyone a second chance and give them to time to fix the mistakes they have made I use to hold grudges against people for what they have done or said but not anymore so if you think I am blank or a nut your wrong I am not maybe you need to go back and check your own self and see where you go wrong at time and try to understand if you cant then ask me I’ll do my best to explain myself to you and give you a chance to explain yourself  and that just a little about