deepundergroundpoetry.com
fare well
this is it my final hour has approached me on the desk is a letter of resentment the truth to my lies my sorry for them tears i brought to all your eyes i wonder if any of you cares as my stares focuses on the barrel fingers on the trigger anticipating the pull of the last thought which is of the cruel ways i once lived to much to forgive so now the only door open is whats about to be my resting place the bullet gives off a funny taste the brains such a terrible thing to waste .........
Published 1st Apr 2013
| Edited 2nd Apr 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 0
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 550
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
1st Apr 2013 10:34pm
Darren
This is hard to read because you're not showing the reader where you want them to pause or stop.
there's a serious amount of spelling errors throughout. easily fixed though if you run a quick spell check. (click on edit and then right click on the words that have a red line under them)
see, the absence of commas and full stops will create confusion when you structure your writing like you have above. if you changed the structure it'd be a lot easier to read;
This is it, my final hour has approached me
on the desk is a letter of resentment
the truth to my lies
my sorry for them tears i brought to all you're eyes
i wonder if any of you care
as my stare focuses on the barrel
fingers on the trigger
anticipating the pull of the last thought
which is of the cruel ways
i once lived too much to forgive
so now the only door open is what's about to be my resting place
the bullet gives off a funny taste
the brain's such a terrible thing to waste
alright, that sorts out the line breaks,punctuation, grammar, and spelling.
next you need to look at how you're saying what you want to say. you'll see yourself that here, on this site, this kind of thought/ write is done a hundred times a week.
what you need to do, is write it with some kind of originality.
hope that helps a little, welcome to this place.
This is hard to read because you're not showing the reader where you want them to pause or stop.
there's a serious amount of spelling errors throughout. easily fixed though if you run a quick spell check. (click on edit and then right click on the words that have a red line under them)
see, the absence of commas and full stops will create confusion when you structure your writing like you have above. if you changed the structure it'd be a lot easier to read;
This is it, my final hour has approached me
on the desk is a letter of resentment
the truth to my lies
my sorry for them tears i brought to all you're eyes
i wonder if any of you care
as my stare focuses on the barrel
fingers on the trigger
anticipating the pull of the last thought
which is of the cruel ways
i once lived too much to forgive
so now the only door open is what's about to be my resting place
the bullet gives off a funny taste
the brain's such a terrible thing to waste
alright, that sorts out the line breaks,punctuation, grammar, and spelling.
next you need to look at how you're saying what you want to say. you'll see yourself that here, on this site, this kind of thought/ write is done a hundred times a week.
what you need to do, is write it with some kind of originality.
hope that helps a little, welcome to this place.
1st Apr 2013 11:11pm
Hey thank you ever so much for replying to me and im using a phone to write this stuff its hard to spell check things can i use your example to re.edit my poem please :)
