deepundergroundpoetry.com
Tonight
i realized that,
he wasn't a little boy anymore,
and i didn't just love him.
i was in love with him too.
Tonight the suite of
this hotel is lit,
by the glow of city lights.
They shimmer against,
a baccarat chandelier
& reflect in the mirror
over this sofa.
Tonight he kiss me for the
first time.
He taste mocha and black pepper,
from the wine.
Heat from the mango salsa.
The kiss is tentative.Uncertain.
It doesn't feel wrong.
then he says, "It's one thing to die a virgin.
It's to be an undead one."
It's my turn to iniate a kiss.
I sweeps my tongue across his lower lip.
Through the turtleneck top,
my small breast press against his bare chest.
expect the lemongrass scent of my onetime body wash.
I smells like lavender instead.
he wasn't a little boy anymore,
and i didn't just love him.
i was in love with him too.
Tonight the suite of
this hotel is lit,
by the glow of city lights.
They shimmer against,
a baccarat chandelier
& reflect in the mirror
over this sofa.
Tonight he kiss me for the
first time.
He taste mocha and black pepper,
from the wine.
Heat from the mango salsa.
The kiss is tentative.Uncertain.
It doesn't feel wrong.
then he says, "It's one thing to die a virgin.
It's to be an undead one."
It's my turn to iniate a kiss.
I sweeps my tongue across his lower lip.
Through the turtleneck top,
my small breast press against his bare chest.
expect the lemongrass scent of my onetime body wash.
I smells like lavender instead.
Published 27th Sep 2010
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28th Sep 2010 12:00pm
A good erotica. I personally like how you use words that appeal to the senses of touch and smell. You also appeal to the mind by twisting your words..."It's one thing to die a virgin.
It's to be an undead one."
I see a woman who lured a young lad into her bed to teach him lessons.
It's to be an undead one."
I see a woman who lured a young lad into her bed to teach him lessons.
a good strong poem sakura chan. in need of a small edit;
cap the i's I
this hotel is lit,
The or our would work better than "this"
They shimmer against,
a baccarat chandelier
& reflect in the mirror
over this sofa.;
again you use "this," it feels for me to be a distorted, unnatural. i do love these lines. (i have a baccarat paperweight)
it should be kissed not kiss.in L1 3rd verse.
it should be tasted not taste
or it could be tasted of instead of taste L3 3rd verse.
pepper in wine? was it mulled wine? if not what did he taste from the wine?
It's to be an undead one
the word "another" is missing.
expect the lemongrass scent of my onetime body wash.; did you mean he expected or he expects.
expect the ... leaves us floundering a little.
the last two lines of verse 3 feel too forced, are they needed?
i think the grammar needs a little work and thats the techi shit out of the way.
the poem; i liked it a lot. the depth of it it belies your years. i have no idea how you learned that baccarat are classy glass makers but the use of it was extremely high end taste.
the 3rd verse made an old man's lips wet, thank you. it wasn't over the top and it wasn't understated. you kissed me and possibly every other reader with that verse (bastards)
again with the last verse. you use just enough to make you be wanted by the reader. i an so glad you used small breasts as opposed to small pert breasts which is so cliché.
if only you weren't 16, 17, i'd fantasise about you because of this. it's now resides in my favourites.
cap the i's I
this hotel is lit,
The or our would work better than "this"
They shimmer against,
a baccarat chandelier
& reflect in the mirror
over this sofa.;
again you use "this," it feels for me to be a distorted, unnatural. i do love these lines. (i have a baccarat paperweight)
it should be kissed not kiss.in L1 3rd verse.
it should be tasted not taste
or it could be tasted of instead of taste L3 3rd verse.
pepper in wine? was it mulled wine? if not what did he taste from the wine?
It's to be an undead one
the word "another" is missing.
expect the lemongrass scent of my onetime body wash.; did you mean he expected or he expects.
expect the ... leaves us floundering a little.
the last two lines of verse 3 feel too forced, are they needed?
i think the grammar needs a little work and thats the techi shit out of the way.
the poem; i liked it a lot. the depth of it it belies your years. i have no idea how you learned that baccarat are classy glass makers but the use of it was extremely high end taste.
the 3rd verse made an old man's lips wet, thank you. it wasn't over the top and it wasn't understated. you kissed me and possibly every other reader with that verse (bastards)
again with the last verse. you use just enough to make you be wanted by the reader. i an so glad you used small breasts as opposed to small pert breasts which is so cliché.
if only you weren't 16, 17, i'd fantasise about you because of this. it's now resides in my favourites.
Anonymous
10th Feb 2011 6:00pm
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