She's Her Own Worst Enemy

Hiding amidst a sea of fraudulent sexual comments about somebodies mother as she walks by;

( I won't lie to you Darlin . I would get rid of “sea” and find something more in tune with your piece. “Sea” is a cliche in the worst sort of way, making your writing appear irrelevant right out of the gate. As I read further, it became quite clear to me your writing is not irrelevant. You have a very solid piece going here.)

She hears not the vulgarity of the conversation but knows you watch her with a tentative glare.

( I would suggest something a tad more graspable than “tentative” here. “Tentative” lacks any connection to the senses the reader needs to walk around in your piece, and “experience it, as opposed to just being told the story.)

She dances with death on a weekend but wouldn't dance with you for one night.

(Dances with death could have easily fell into cliché as well , but I think you save it with your ending statement. Maybe something less abstract as death, such as a specific drug, a particular booze, etc might push this even more forward.)

Despite this she lives for the glares of you among others, evicted from love street for unspeakable crimes. 

(Again, think a little deeper, and get past “love street”. You have some solid sentences. Push the boundaries a bit with your similes, and metaphors.)

Part time liberator. 

She sits at night filling empty bottles with young men's dreams wishing only to be the star of a sonnet. 

Yet she feels not contrite when she's impolite to a boy who longs for her heart.

(These three lines are probably my favorite. A little tightening with word choice can be done here, but they are still a damn fine start.)

All in all, I enjoyed this Jev. You show a solid thinking behind your work. Now it is just a matter of being a bit braver in my honest opinion.

Much enjoyed this Hun :)

Thanks very much, I needed someone to give me some honest critiquing and you have so I appreciate that! :) Glad you enjoyed this I will get to work on it and try to improve.

Jev

I think you have improved this in some areas. Give me a couple a days to write a proper crit, and I will show you something that might interest you ok ?

Until then :)

Yes, thanks again for taking the time out to read it again :) I'll wait for that :)

Jev  
 
I have a chance to write down my thoughts here. I do hope they help you.  
 
Let's take your first sentence here -  
 
"Hiding amidst a battalion of fraudulent sexual comments about somebodies mother as she walks by;"
 
Now lets break this sentence down shall we ?
 
Hiding - verb
battalion - noun
fraudulent - adjective  
sexual - adjective
comments - noun
mother - noun
walks - verb  
 
Three things you need to think about here Hun.  
 
1. What overall "image" did this set of words conjure up (Don't add the rest of the sentence, just these words.)and is it the image you want ?  
 
2. Are your verbs supporting their weight in the sentence ? Verbs should almost always be "busy". Are your verbs busy enough, and are what they doing interesting enough that you would stop, and watch ?  
 
3. Do your adjectives engage the senses ? (sight, sound, smell, etc) or are the abstract ? (could mean 1000 different things to 1000 different people) By eliminating the abstract, and sense setting your adjectives, you create a very specific image.  
 
My advice at this point is to put this piece to bed right now, work on something else. You seem to be over thinking a bit. I do it ALL the time. lol  But think about what I said here when you start your revisions.  
 
Good Luck Hun :)

I loved it..who makes you write I wonder?

Thanks! :) I wonder that sometimes myself..