Love In My Arms  II  (new, longer revised version)

           
love in my arms          
here then gone          
comes and goes          
like a rare          
moon tide          
sunrise soon          
brightened          
into new day          
but its clearness          
only added          
to my ever deepening          
confusions          
evening eventually          
arrived          
masked in its          
comfortable disguise          
down to the beach          
as night          
slowly fell          
drawn out to          
the end          
of a lonesome          
granite jetty          
i gazed out into          
the vast empty          
darkness          
of this now          
vanished gulf          
where i stood          
transfixed          
surrendered completely          
for quite a few          
unknown minutes          
soothingly punched          
wholly caressed          
by strong          
pummeling gusts          
of this constantly          
rushing          
salty gulfs winds          
my face sweetly kissed          
by fine misty showers          
of sea spray          
sent flying          
from off crashing waves          
as theyd slam          
into the jetty          
all around me          
then as i          
slowly          
turned around          
facing the dimly lit          
nocturnal beach          
and the seventeen          
foot high          
concrete seawall          
i looked up          
at its towering          
streetlights          
diffuse illumination above        
cast down upon          
the darkened beach          
below          
slithering down          
and over          
the wet  mirror like          
hard pack sands          
left by rhythmic          
sweep of tides          
reflecting on out          
from there              
into the rushing          
shoreline surf          
so deeply entranced          
by the sight  by the sound          
by the smell  by the taste          
by the touch  by the intimate feel          
and sweet  harmonious motion of it all          
as all i beheld          
held me so intimately back in return          
but then          
unexpectedly opened up  
within me here tonight
some even darker well
of simultaneously      
even deeper introspective thoughts     
of self suppressed  subconscious pain          
where all my darkest
innermost ghosts          
and personal demons          
which for decades of years          
ive so fearfully
so frustratingly
so tragically
and grievously
so inhumanely to myself
in such socially traumatized
deeply embedded cold fear
been forced by this world
ive grown up in
to have to deny  reject
and so painfully keep hidden away          
from everyone          
even myself          
as best i could l
any natural
self expression at all
of simply and freely just being
this true me
this beautiful being
this body  heart  mind
spirit and soul
born perfectly fine
yet uniquely different
just as we all are
so too am i
which ive always been and still am
since day one on       
but alas          
to no avail for me now
after all of these  
long lost  forever gone
futile  wasted years
flown by   
for here tonight          
it seems          
theyve somehow          
broken free          
and suddenly now          
arisen          
out here in this          
peaceful          
most isolated place          
where im          
swallowed up          
in relative safety          
by nights          
all encompassing darkness          
but where          
it seems          
im the one          
whose          
so well hidden          
here now          
completely unseen          
by anyone          
out at the end          
of this wind whipped          
wave splashed          
rock groin          
granite jetty          
where          
alone          
i stood there          
like some long lost          
ghost          
sunk off deep          
in the elemental          
peace          
and relative inner calm          
of this rare          
brief          
precious respite          
just far enough away          
from the relentless          
toxic noise          
and never ending          
stress          
of this crazy    
disconnected    
self destructive       
human world          
wondering          
about my life          
should i laugh          
or should i cry          
face this pain          
of my unspeakable truth          
or surrender completely          
to the quieter peace
that faintly calls          
to me up here
gazing so heavily down
with all my being
with all my heart and soul      
at all this          
hypnotically moving          
forever beckoning          
mysterious black water
rising and falling
heaving and rolling
crashing and splashing
all around me here
so deeply entranced
so reflectively listening
with my desperate all
to its boundless fluid spirits
ever present open invitations
ever tempting
ever peaceful
transcendent  ethereal call
love in my hands          
my heart in the dark          
so desperately seeking          
some resolvable solution          
some final answer          
to years and years          
of all my unanswered
futile prayers          
some way to bring
some peaceful end          
to my torturous dark secrets          
innermost battles          
long  ongoing struggles          
merciless grip on my life          
choking my truth
right out of my
very last drops
of whatevers now left
of my basic free wills
profoundly diminished
human desire
to want to live
or survive any longer
here in this sad  broken
oh so lonesome world
much less even believe
that i could ever begin to thrive
or ever learn how to
nor even come to
ever truly flourish here
at this point of my so called life
in this badly broken
disconnected
consciously unawakened
ego centered world
through a lifetime
of deeply conditioned
deeply programmed          
socio cultural
historic denial          
of my very being          
keeping me from ever       
fully or truly believing
that i too could
or might ever create
have  live
nor freely share with others
any kind of truly happy
selfless  inspiring
comfortably successful
open  healthy
joyously more meaningful
so called
more normal human life
this time around      
which has brought me here tonight          
where i came          
so very close          
to choosing          
and creating          
my own final          
end to it all          
but here          
in the end somehow          
for whatever          
unknown          
mysterious reason          
i just couldnt          
bring myself          
to do it          
which leaves me          
here now          
yet again          
with no clear          
answers  found          
nor final solutions          
sweet resolve          
to set me free          
at last          
from this seemingly          
treasonous fate          
but i guess          
that desperate hope          
was just not          
meant to be          
so easily fulfilled          
here tonight          
as all my          
quandaried feelings          
thoughts  confusions          
cloudy          
fractured          
complexly tangled          
lack of any clearer          
understanding      
left here        
so empty and lost      
in the increasingly      
exhausting wake      
of no answer      
nor solution      
to my desperate    
hopes    
and futile prayers    
still so sadly      
stuck      
feeling so tragically      
lost      
here in this      
lonesome      
false life limbo      
of seemingly      
never ending lostness      
just how much      
longer      
how much more      
of this hidden pain      
of its heavy      
unspoken shame      
and its unbearable      
life of lies      
can i take      
can i stand      
can i bear or endure      
here in this      
heartless world      
anymore      
love in          
my hands          
my heart          
in the dark      
where all my      
understanding      
still slips      
so futilely away      
in vain      
like sand      
through my fingers      
in nights      
deep longing
constantly blowing
strong  nocturnal embrace
of this all encompassing
spiritually uplifting  
transformationally accepting
transcendently healing
sweetly nurturing
benevolently loving
truly life saving
great  vast gulf of mexicos
ever present  unifying
conscious  living
truly sacred
winds
and
waves
ive been
so truly blessed
through life
and grace
to so intimately
to so
wondrously
know