deepundergroundpoetry.com
BE VERY WARY
be very wary
of every little
whichy wheny
of every
where the ever
of every why
if and or but
of every who
which or what
of every fragile
i love you
of every hopeful
dream come true
of every sudden
fare thee well
of each uncertain
see ya soon
or goodbye
see ya later
of wounded dreams
upended spells
of love and lifes
thinly veiled
delusions
and illusions
of coming to
know yourself
too well
through outer
peripheral
experience alone
the painful
truth revealed
its biting teeth
exposed and felt
be it through
weakness of
clinging on
or the usual
blind denial
of human loves
historic tendency
to perpetually
repeat itself
towards
its own inevitable
self defeats
redundantly
melancholic
too frequently
self sabotaged
painfully tragic
end
Published 22nd Mar 2013
| Edited 8th Jul 2023
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comments 6
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
22nd Mar 2013 3:23am
This unique format works perfectly with this "warning" against the pitfalls of being human. I like it. The wording, the message, the stair-stepped three-line progression. Nicely done, Oy.
22nd Mar 2013 5:04am
Thanks much Scat, glad you liked it & even got it; wasn't too sure at first myself, when it first slipped out... A few other DUP poets who have read & commented on a couple of my other 'not-so-linear' poems I've posted here, have told me that I need to write my words in straight, more traditional, single file lines, because my less unfettered, organic (crawling vine)'style', seemed too "punch drunk" & made it hard for them to follow & so they cautioned me, that other readers were likely to loose interest! I guess that's why I decided in the very begining a few days ago, to go ahead & request "I would like to have honest feedback from members" status, in any & all the poemms I post on DUP, so I guess I'm getting just what I asked for! Good or bad critiques, it's all good to me & great fun to boot! Thanks again for yours, I'll be sure to keep an eye out for any poems you may post & I'll look forward to checking them out!
22nd Mar 2013 3:38am
Nice words, the construct of the piece has become one with the story, the conflict ever present in the rhymes which for me did represent the never ending struggle of man against himself. Nice piece, I don't know what else to say.
22nd Mar 2013 5:16am
Wow man, thanks T.O.D.! You just said plenty enough for me, as your comment's clear ('in-a-nut-shell') description, not only was complimentary to me, but it also (believe it or not!) helped clarify for me to a greater degree, in one succinct sentence, a better, more accurate interpretation of my poem's overall meaning, than I had come up with on my own!
hello,welcome, howdy and the likes.
well, I disagree about the "traditional lines" suggestions, at least in terms of a write like this. this would fall on its face laid out straight. the "punch drunk" sensibility (although I wouldn't have used that phrase)gives this thing a weeble and wobble that the words alone wouldn't hold, I don't think...gives it an interesting feel, a tenderness (reminding me a bit of ee Cummings- but not as scrutinized) with a bit of looseness (reminding me a bit of Dr. Seuss.)...who doesn't wanna hear that they are somewhere between Cummings and Seuss?...ha, pretty wide net.
well, I disagree about the "traditional lines" suggestions, at least in terms of a write like this. this would fall on its face laid out straight. the "punch drunk" sensibility (although I wouldn't have used that phrase)gives this thing a weeble and wobble that the words alone wouldn't hold, I don't think...gives it an interesting feel, a tenderness (reminding me a bit of ee Cummings- but not as scrutinized) with a bit of looseness (reminding me a bit of Dr. Seuss.)...who doesn't wanna hear that they are somewhere between Cummings and Seuss?...ha, pretty wide net.
27th Mar 2013 8:45pm
Wow...thanks lightbaron, for your feedback & personal, interpretive insights re: my poem here & my comments about a few other DU members well intentioned, but slightly 'off the mark' (they just did'nt get it), honest, perceptions & cautions, re: my wording's 'style/layout/whatever.
I continue to be surprised (in mostly pleasing ways!) & amazed at the diversity of other DU member's response comments to some of my posted writes. Yours too here as well!...
I really appreciated & enjoyed reading you're interesting take on the "punch drunk" comment from another DU member's response (re: another of my poems, with similar structure)& your contrasting opinion & explanation re: the "weeble & wobble" of it, which you perceived & expressed in a unique & interesting way, which might never have occured to me alone, without such open, honest feedback status! Then, of course, the unanticipated association you made about my piece, reminding you a bit of Cummings & Seuss, at first made me chuckle at the odd combination of those two & then made me think that perhaps I ought to do a little refresher, reading-up on a few of Cummmings works, to better understand & see if I too can find or sense, in just what ways their works might remind me a bit of my poem?!...
Even in my presently not knowing that, I will eagerly & gratefully take your (now even more intriguing) comment's association as quite a generous compliment!!!...
p.s - in my endeavor to do a search on E.E.C., I figure "a pretty wide net", may come in handy, for wherever between those two I may fall, at least I can be more assured (& relieved!) at the chances of having a much safer landing with a wider net, than one too small!!!... Thanks again L.B., - 'write on!"...
~ O.I.N.
I continue to be surprised (in mostly pleasing ways!) & amazed at the diversity of other DU member's response comments to some of my posted writes. Yours too here as well!...
I really appreciated & enjoyed reading you're interesting take on the "punch drunk" comment from another DU member's response (re: another of my poems, with similar structure)& your contrasting opinion & explanation re: the "weeble & wobble" of it, which you perceived & expressed in a unique & interesting way, which might never have occured to me alone, without such open, honest feedback status! Then, of course, the unanticipated association you made about my piece, reminding you a bit of Cummings & Seuss, at first made me chuckle at the odd combination of those two & then made me think that perhaps I ought to do a little refresher, reading-up on a few of Cummmings works, to better understand & see if I too can find or sense, in just what ways their works might remind me a bit of my poem?!...
Even in my presently not knowing that, I will eagerly & gratefully take your (now even more intriguing) comment's association as quite a generous compliment!!!...
p.s - in my endeavor to do a search on E.E.C., I figure "a pretty wide net", may come in handy, for wherever between those two I may fall, at least I can be more assured (& relieved!) at the chances of having a much safer landing with a wider net, than one too small!!!... Thanks again L.B., - 'write on!"...
~ O.I.N.
