Ramblings of a seeker

Primal hunger, feeding frenzy
Chase the rush, addicts envy
Look for more but nothing is left
Sucked up my life, yet guilt has heft

I can lie in the moment to justify my actions
But truth be told, my life has two factions
The Spirit installs aware of right from wrong 
Yet here I kneel to the dope mans throne

To sides to choose I roll in the dark
While Christ grieves for me, his crucifixion my ark
I don't like the fact that He grieves of my sin
I hide in my addiction, head first I dive in

His teaching seldom found for me in a church
But today I have found Kingdom family finished search
There are some out there who have started to waked
To the portrait of God in His son, they did stake

Teaching of love and acceptance of the fallin
Forgiveness, compassion, a new life to walk in
I am to be a vessel to let his love flow
See when I am there miracles light glow

I have little to offer with out my savior
Proven that my whole life acting in personal favor
How do I learn to live is such grace
To not beat my self for the mess I have made

Accepting forgiveness is hard for me
Cause I want control to be deity
The god complex lives  in all of us at times
For me has give revelation in rhymes 

In placing my darkness on paper with pen
I make real to myself the origin of my sin
For me this truth is clear as this write
To let go and let God, is salvation tonight

Started the poem in the thick of a jones
It turned into more it struck to my bones
That Gods hand works through this as I am writing
Spills out his love for me the blood from Christ dying

In addiction I embrace needle and blood
In salvation transformed life from living in sins mud
Seeking to live in testimony of love
Hoping Holy Spirit touches readers like a dove

I wish not to preach or stand on a box in
More to share how Christ love has saved me from coffin
I can't  express with paper and pen
The darkness, pain I lived in

Suicidal using was all that I new
Trying to blow heart out right in front of you
I did not believe there was option left 
Then my soul was touch before I drove into cliff

The things in this poem the may seem a bit scrambled
Truths I try to right but I know that I ramble
I guess in the end all I am trying to say
Is the church of my youth to the darkness did sway

That my Christ did not portray,  
gay hate,
American pride
Voting republican,
baby killers are damned
In REALLY looking at His teachings a different way
loving embrace
forgiveness
with out judgement
unlike that of man.

Poem gives way to desire to illustrate 
My transformed picture of God, and religious magistrate 
Man defiles our image of God when from a pulpit speaks personal agenda 
Turns Christ teachings, bastardized slogans, life hating propaganda 

I hope this poem ministers to thee
Half as much as the writing of it did for me.