Setting myself up to fail

Sometimes, on nights like this  
where I am alone, waiting    
I remember what it used to be like  
years ago, to wait and wait  
For something the future would bring  
   
It was always looming on the horizon  
foreboding and omnipresent    
manifesting in me over the years  
an underlying core of anxiety  
knowing it was only a matter of time  
   
I still don't know what it is  
when it will come, and what it will take  
It reminds me of darker nights  
always waiting, like tonight  
worrying myself to tattered pieces    
   
These are feelings I never escaped    
internal struggle consuming my frame  
emotions that actually caused pain  
always taking more than needed  
My heart a beat away from tragedy  
   
It is a foolish idea to sit here  
reminiscing and wishing    
that my life had better prepared me  
for these things that others learn naturally  
I only knew darkened bedroom corners and late nights  
   
Removing myself from reality    
obsessing on my fears and nightmares  
life drifting past me placidly  
too full of screaming anxiety    
to explore ever changing surroundings    
   
I remember when I finally gave up  
and stopped trying to relate  
no longer caring about humanity  
It wasn't too long after that  
that I was taken away to be 'fixed'  
   
I think it was their misguided fixing    
that broke me down permanently  
that keeps me from relating    
putting myself out there  
or having confidence to try