What Am I?

Understanding myself is quite the problem,
There is never a proper solution in mind.
I cry and I cry through my depression,
Only to realize that it never goes away.
Ever since I was young and naive,
I believed that one day it would get better.

I was drugged up, put into my place and called names,
My definition of myself is different then yours.
I am a mistake, a horrid failure at what my family wants,
My definition grew up differently then yours.
Allow me this chance to fall to my knees in hatred.
For I never saw this salvation coming my way...

Not until she came.

As a child we grow up never understanding hatred,
Not until we step foot into that school safari.
Names were called and bullies were fierce,
Especially when you are bigger than the other kids.
The drugs they made me lose my appetite and esteem,
Therapy could not help me, not this disturbance.

I was drugged up, put into my place and called names,
My definition of myself is different then yours.
I am a mistake, a horrid failure at what my family wants,
My definition grew up differently then yours.
Allow me this chance to fall to my knees in hatred.
For I never saw this salvation coming my way...

Not until she came.

Along came middle school and thing got worse in my eyes,
Weight went down so shockingly low, and no one worried.
Not until the names of stinky, pizza face came along,
Never once did I see beauty only anger in how I looked.
Then that horrible night happened and I would never see,
There would be no beauty in these eyes only disgust.

I was drugged up, put into my place and called names,
My definition of myself is different then yours.
I am a mistake, a horrid failure at what my family wants,
My definition grew up differently then yours.
Allow me this chance to fall to my knees in hatred.
For I never saw this salvation coming my way...

Not until she came.

He took everything from me and I lashed out,
A teacher took the brunt of my anger and depression.
I hated her so much for she was always so happy,
My anger grew and grew and I was shipped away.
Emotionally Disturbed they said in this little moment,
Gone and sealed in a padded room daily in anger.

So many times the thought of suicide clouded my mind,
I won't lie, it still does from time to time in fear.
Now, I only seek acceptance and clarity from my past,
I look at her.
Her.
My salvation from my spiraling downward cast.
She brings acceptance.
Sanity.
Here it comes slowly when I cry and lash at the wall,
But how long until it scares Her away from me?