Dormit in the mind of a JUNKIE

2-10-13
I Remember when I was so young, just having some fun.
Went to school every single day, absolutely loved it..
An event so serious must have taken place, for I lost interest in all the good things.
The life I knew  was being erased and that "something" reacted within me like a self-destruct kit..

First, being coaxed into smoking weed through a vent in a pop can.
Next was acid, what a trip to take while still a child to some.
Then the devil himself came up and introduced me to a drug called crystal meth
In an instant, you are all alone, all your friends are gone.

Truly, it violently pains me to see my face in the mirror.
I wonder where I went because the  'REAL ME' HAS GONE AWAY
But as I peirce my skin with anoher needle filled wih poison...
My every problem doesn't seem so bad when you are high, now I even forget to pray..

Each phase of an addict is so truly profounding, so viciously destroys every part of you..
Every single loss of any kind, material things, loved ones, , children and close friends too.
But the life of a junkie keeps you chasing what brings on the pain, even for awhile.
Suddenly, you understand what rock bottom means,  living on the streets, Something has taken over you..

Some of your strenght pours out and A sober day or two is a blessing..... remembering all your decisions.
Stripping you of any self respect you ever had, knowing you lost anyone that loved you because they couldn't handle your personality change.
And as you stand there.. naked and exposed... you know the secret has been out.  they know  what and who you are.
Each passing year, 3 steps behind, all but the SELFISHNESS, DEPRAVITY, SELF HATE, ANGER AND THEN FALSE HAPPINESS WE RANGE.

You despise yourself for your weakness..  You don't want to keep going on this way... , BUT HOW TO STOP?
If you are lucky, maybe someone really special  can see the light still through your glazed over, empty eyes.
If by chanceyou haven't used for the day.  YOU CAN still remember how to smile again and  what being happy was like.
In the drug deranged brain SIN and goodness are in a battle.,  You can try it one more time, believing the junkie lies.

Looking around to see if anyone really still cares, but it's so quiet and empty, no one is in sight.
Why feel so  lonely, why not find another soul lost in their addiction?  Making your every misjudgement not seem so really bad.
To get what you need, there are  many ugly things you must do to get a fix., Cycle holds you down, unproductive and angry at yourself, fuck it all..
Living in the past memories without the drug use maybe you can laugh, but in the end you can't escape your broken thoughts, such misery fear and buried within a slab of sad.,

Tbinking I could just stop whenever I want, it's part of the lies, because usually it's not until breaking out in handcufss, catching several more charges.
COUNT THE DAYS remaining incarcerated.... , spiritually stronger and actually believing that  "THIS TIME" I can get a handle on it and really win..
Set free again,but my mind makes the "JUNKIE DELUSIONS" appear so much more fun.
My mind starts spinning and I lose control again,  Off on another stupid binge run, breaking  promises to myself, totally forgetting the pain of where I've been .

Before the day is over and the night is been through...
I'm back to thinking the same stupid things, concealing all beneath my mask of shame and truth.
I can see everyone's faces, shaking their heads in dismay and utter disappointment of my failure.
And my fucked up junkie mind, continues the insanity to use again, not even smart enough to pick up a single clue.

Its hard to care about anything anymore, just my next fix, it would appear.
Looking for answers in all the wrong places, NOT KEEPING CHRIST IN MY EAR
He is my only hope  and I so want to be the  "ME" I was before...... again after so many years.
I haven't been able to win this battle for too long now, losing so much I'll never lose this ugly drug addicted fear.
--POETLEFEMME