RECOGNIZING THE DEMON

 She knelt before the dead girl to see just what it is like; to look down at another when she’s
no longer alive.
Her body lay stiff and her blood settle cold; her soul is still lost inside of her own self,
but her heart no longer whole.
Drip after drop of rain falls down and in her eyes, if she didn’t know any better she could swear this dead girl still cries.
There is somewhere inside of the dead girl that the demon demands to be set free,
for all of her life it has settled its zone somewhere inside of her….
The dead girl with a dream and a hope for tomorrow is still stuck here on planet earth because she has never left her past behind of grief and sorrow.
Her dreams are dead, as are her hopes; her prayers are so hallow but none of them know.
She reads the bible… that doesn’t say very much.
She believes in god… but has a tendency to only use him as her crutch.
She only prays for selfish reasons and she hasn’t been to confession in over ten years, and she wants to step inside of a church but there is something about the very thought of that  puts her in fear.
Her troubles await her as her demon does too…
It’s the eyes of the dead girl that now reflect the dead girl that is inside of me…
The eyes are supposed to reflect the mirror to the soul, but it is that of what I no longer see.
But What is it?
What is the one thing that holds me back from reaching something so far away?
What is it, what is it that prevents me from reaching tomorrow?
Why is my heart drenched in all of this sorrow?
Why is my soul drunk from all of this pain?
Why is my vision so blurry….
And no since of direction,
Think I just lost connection to all I could have been.
I think my grip is slipping,
I see the hour glass tipping… the sands of time have shattered to the floor.
And I ask myself what is it?
What is the one thing that is holding me back?
Pulling me in deep today….
Killing me before I awake in the morning?
Drowning my spirit, never shall I rise.
Torching my heart deep inside,
cannot see….
cannot open my eyes from the darkness that lingers before me…. I wonder to myself really…. WHAT IS A DEMON? And I realize that sooner or later, I will have to face my own demon someday, and it doesn’t matter who I am, where I am or what I may be doing at that time.
It doesn’t matter how important that I might claim to be or how much I believe i may have changed over the years, because sooner or later  I am going to have to face what I have done.
I’ll have to pay for and suffer the consequences of what I have done, that moment I took aside in life to stop for a sick pleasure; I’ll have to look into the flaming eyes of my own demon.
A demon is self made; they are the wickedness I drag into my life, the evil that I have welcomed into my world with arms wide open and being weak of faith.
I build it by the wrong that I do every fucking day, because I have come to learn that sin just grows to become easier and easier to commit as I have come to  shut my own conciouse off to God.
I have built it with the wrongness in my heart and I reveal it with the blackness that eats away at my very soul like acid.
I have put it together with my own two hands when I are seeking, but not seeing.
Touching but not feeling.
When I hear but I don’t listen.
When I am doing but I don’t realize….
That that demon is now a part of  me.
That it will forever be a mark on my very soul that won’t ever fade,
It will not vanish….
But only blend more and more into the darkness that I  have now become.
That it now grows inside of me and it spreads throughout all of me like a cancer and it dwells only inside of me forever.
And just when I might start to think that life goes on for me, just when I’m gonna think that all is forgotten and no longer an issue anymore, that’s when my demon will find me,
it lurks and it is now inside of my life forever because it never really left me in the first place.
It has become my one and only sweet disease… it is taking over more and more by each giving and passing day…. It controls my thoughts and emotions.
This demon has found me again even after so much time it has found me and I sit here alone in my dark cold cell and I realize as I look into the eyes of a photograph that she has left me with that my soul is sick beyond repair and her own illness had left its mark on me yet again and I am dying every day because THIS CANCER KILLS….
This cancer, this cancer inside is, what else could I possibly say other then this cancer is my demon.
This cancer, it grows inside of her and it lurks, and it lingers, and it lives….
Its living only to see the day when it has taken away the life of the only one that I even have anymore, the only one who at the very most of my days, I can honestly say that she is the only reason that I live at all anymore, my mother is my only reason and this cancer its killing…
It’s killing me.
This cancer eats her away just like acid, its eating her away from the inside because this damned thing has known for a while that I will not surrender my soul. I told my demon that when it approached me for the very first time as a child. And now, all of these years later it has returned to get me yet again, but this time it’s going through her to reach me.
This cancer it kills, this cancer it kills me because it has retch my blood now.
It has retch my blood now, because her blood is running through my veins.
It wants to overrule my DNA completely because it alone is second rate to my very soul, it plans to possess my blood and harvest evil through my good intentions.
This demon plans to express the greatest of its sorrows through my gift, my talents the dead girl told me and I answered but still so much remains unspoken….
This cancer is a coward because it is the silent killer, it’s silent because like me it doesn’t know what to say for its self.
The words are out there someplace and they only sway to be written upon the pages of my life.
My life has been so long but it sinks more and more into soils, rich, dark soils. Damp, cold; forbidden soils where the fallen bodies lie beneath in shallow graves of all of the souls that have been shattered and lost along the way.
The dead rests dormant tonight, but tomorrow the dead will rise as will the sun….
Until another day….. Until another time.
But now I sit in the same reserved spot of this very moment, just as every other moment throughout my life… the background, silence I sit still, I sit still and I look and I listen to how pathetic these strangers have become for I have my own story to live with.
Because since that dreadful day in June when all hell broke loose and I inhaled for the first time I too have been dying since that day, and it was that same day that I already knew that nothing in life is forever, even the world will crumble one day. But until then I have something more to hold onto throughout the coldest o my own days. It hovers over her in the darkest of her days like a sheet of black velvet.
It breathes in her face as she takes in her final breaths
Weak in tremble, her eyes open as she looks blankly into the face of death.
She cannot speak, she cannot breathe a single word
Nobody knows…. nobody knows what lies ahead, other than myself. For only I can sense the true fear in her heart.
Only I can see the fear in her eyes.
I am the one who has stuck by her side through it all,
I am the one who did not leave her side
I am the one who dried the tears away from her eyes.
Just as she did mine, just as she did mine long ago when I knew…
But only I knew this day was destined to happen.
I can see the darkness as it seeps in for a closer look….
They told us we ought to stick together, that we need to be strong.
They warned us the time is coming, for soon she will be gone.
I look around at everyone who surrounds me right now, I don’t know who any of these people are, they have all become faded strangers to me.
I sit alone, in the darkest corner of her room as they crowd her with their tears and their sorrows, but I am closer to her now then they would ever be.
I have seen things that they will never see.
I have watched her cry for each one of them…
For she knew the day would come when she would be leaving them far behind to live with the silence, the years of avoidance, the years of taking her for granted, the years of her putting up and them all shooting her down one by one.
And then I came along,
I cannot say that I was much better than that.
I cannot say that I never held a secret from her.
I Cannot say that I did not lie to her, not one time in my life.
I cannot say that she would have been proud of me, because in that, she never really knew me. But I knew her, I knew her better than any of them ever would.
I’ve seen her cry over things they never could.
I knew her fears, and I knew the last things she wanted.
She wanted all of them to be happy but they were all to self centered.
They only clung onto the things that she failed to do.
They only spoke of the things that hurt and they twisted it all into reason of why they all fucked up their lives.
And now, now they crowd her with their cries.
Now they reach out to take her feeble hand, now they apologize for the years of silence.
Now they have something to say
Now they all have something new to realize when all along I knew this day was coming.
Day by day I saw the light die down in her eyes.
And she would cry…
She would cry but only because she knew that she would be leaving them all behind….
To live with themselves.
And that is the worst way to live, when you carry so much guilt.
Heart is heavy
Soul is drowning in your very own tears.
Sitting alone in the day, only to accompany your very own fears.
And I suppose I could shed a tear for the ones that she is about to leave behind, for I already know that tonight they will lie awake remembering the times that they had her when they had no one else. They will soak their pillows when they realize that they had something all along, but they failed to see that when they could never look beyond the things that she failed to do.
And in the morning, I suppose we will all wake up with one thing in common….
It’s going to be like a kick in the heart when we open our eyes and we step foot on the earth that she no longer roams.
That without dear old mom, there is no home. There is no home without the heart to fill it.
And each one of them are going to have to live with guilt, disgust and resentment in their hearts, for all of that alone will replace comfort or peace.
And I myself am going to have to spend the rest of my life wondering what life would be like for all of us right now if things could have been different….