deepundergroundpoetry.com
Heavenly Homo
They've been casting stones…
She asked the Bible how to get to Heaven
I told her calmly I’ve been there…
”every time I kissed you with my eyes closed
placed onto you the touch of my good intention
trust you religiously ignoring dark whispers mentioned”
I loved her as she were my neighbor
put no one before her
If I ever stole
she would absolve me…coz it would be her heart
so when they tell me…about this hell
I say
“I don’t know about you but I was in Heaven yesterday” ;)
She asked the Bible how to get to Heaven
I told her calmly I’ve been there…
”every time I kissed you with my eyes closed
placed onto you the touch of my good intention
trust you religiously ignoring dark whispers mentioned”
I loved her as she were my neighbor
put no one before her
If I ever stole
she would absolve me…coz it would be her heart
so when they tell me…about this hell
I say
“I don’t know about you but I was in Heaven yesterday” ;)
Published 30th Dec 2012
| Edited 12th Jan 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
12th Jan 2013 4:59pm
1Docmcruz,
this is quite something, a kind of uncut diamond if you will.
I'll be honest, i think the &'s, the ellipses and the coz take away from it.
I think that maybe you should have started the quote in the first stanza after 'I told her calmly'
I'd have probably went for 'unto you' rather than 'onto you' but that's preference.
there are some really strong lines though and your opening line is great.
actually the whole first stanza bar the couple of things mentioned above is really good.
as is the second.
the ending line is a great way to finish too.
bravo, shine on.
this is quite something, a kind of uncut diamond if you will.
I'll be honest, i think the &'s, the ellipses and the coz take away from it.
I think that maybe you should have started the quote in the first stanza after 'I told her calmly'
I'd have probably went for 'unto you' rather than 'onto you' but that's preference.
there are some really strong lines though and your opening line is great.
actually the whole first stanza bar the couple of things mentioned above is really good.
as is the second.
the ending line is a great way to finish too.
bravo, shine on.
12th Jan 2013 5:34pm
Thank you so much for your critique.
I am a habitual editor of my work. I believe there is always room for improvement yes "less is more" sometimes. =)
I am a habitual editor of my work. I believe there is always room for improvement yes "less is more" sometimes. =)
27th Jan 2013 6:49am
so when they tell me…about this hell
I say
“I don’t know about you but I was in Heaven yesterday” ;)
^^^^^^I smiled brightly at this!^^^^^
LOVE IT! xoxo
I say
“I don’t know about you but I was in Heaven yesterday” ;)
^^^^^^I smiled brightly at this!^^^^^
LOVE IT! xoxo
2nd Mar 2014 7:31pm
