Infidelity

"We were rasping through throats
of petrified oracles, falling mute in the dust
with a choice to either die or kill
and I was far too selfish for death."
WOW! My Gosh! I Absolutely Love This! I read it as if it was a chapter from my own life. That's how vivid your words painted this picture of INFIDELITY!:)

Thank you very much, rain!

and now with kin and dogs
your forearm appears, as if waiting
to be cleaned for the very first time
again... Oh my god wow. gut wrenching yet so beautifully written. damnnnnn. your titles always intrigue me. the work always takes my breath away.

Maybe one day, they'll give you a little breath back. Cheers, Devilish.

master
ful[l]....voice

Now now, Sax. Big words to be,swingin'.

Mr.A.
Been over this quite a few times, and can't quite figure out what to say, but its been sticking with me.
Well def has some really strong lines. I think what gets me is a bit of warmth here, a little opening. You often describe things in such a calculated manner that it comes off a bit cold, and not in a bad way  because some of what you deal with needs that kinda unbiased journalism. This doesnt lose that observation, and has some,for lack of a btter term, warmth

Cheers, lb. Warmth is definitely good. You're right about the cold observations in the others. Need to dull it down a little sometimes I think.

mr A

well..

"Five years ago, there were thirteen months
but you left with only twelve.
Those distances and periods of aloneness
were premature,
they always would've been.

[thirteen makes it solid. almost 1984ish. :]
i hesitated a bit with 'aloneness'. just me.]

We were rasping through throats
of petrified oracles, falling mute in the dust
with a choice to either die or kill
and I was far too selfish for death.

[yes! though i could suggest a little rework in L2.
it's pure pristine gold. make the best. ah hell.
then L4 bears your signature. love this.]


You wore my unwashed clothes
and followed our old footprints
but only filling half of the paths.
I forgotten how you smelled, and smiled
as a vanilla scent ruptured you.

[L4, not sure about the tense. first two lines
are beautiful, bringing a very personal touch.

L5, the use of  the article ['a'] somehow made me
stop. not sure.]

Your tear-smeared forearm,
only noticeable from the mascara-streams,
sustained half a decade, showing no signs
of forgetting or leaving
and now with kin and dogs
your forearm appears, as if waiting
to be cleaned for the very first time
again.

['tear' and 'smear' sound potent together.
the first thought was this: 'smear' is strong and
has a strong visual image. like, kohl/blood.
but then the next line made me smile. beautiful.:]

L3, we might be missing 'for' post sustained.

'kin' probably needs a 'the'.

and then, what an end? dang! love that weight, that drama.
pretty much wong kar wai-esque poetry.

loved this one a lot.

more,

sumeet

I think some of your suggestions would render it grammatically incorrect, but some, of course, are more than plausible. :)

I'll mull, and thanks, Sumeet.

yes. wonderful with your signature form and all. S3L4 might be missing a word ('have'?/'had'?), but otherwise it's a solid piece with a dramatic ending that suits it. after an initial read, i couldn't tell if I really liked or just disliked the 'again' at the end, but I think it's growing on me.

I'm also not sure about that fucking 'again'. :)

You're right with a had or have. Just didn't want another word on that line. Will probably abbreviate something. Cheers for the kind feedback, aglitch.

Excellent write Mr. A

Uley

Cheers,Uley.