deepundergroundpoetry.com
turning
the world turns
when it burns
no one yearns
but when our simple life is shaken
everyones atention is taken
and everyone loved is awaken
to a place most cared
and those who are not understould are just snared
and its these outcast thats words will be whered
for the time long
but it is the masses writings will be song
but todays song will be forgoten dong
did you forget the worlds still beleeding
my words where seeding
and its not i that have needing
when it burns
no one yearns
but when our simple life is shaken
everyones atention is taken
and everyone loved is awaken
to a place most cared
and those who are not understould are just snared
and its these outcast thats words will be whered
for the time long
but it is the masses writings will be song
but todays song will be forgoten dong
did you forget the worlds still beleeding
my words where seeding
and its not i that have needing
Published 4th Dec 2012
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Anonymous
- Edited 16th Jan 2013 8:57pm
16th Jan 2013 8:55pm
Lovely poem, F.
Great sentiment in first stanza.
Some small observations, if I may.
*everyones atention is taken
(Apostrophe needed, maybe....?)
( spell-check typo on second word)
*and its these outcast thats words will be whered
( apostrophe needed on word "it's". ......and not sure what last word is meant to be....?)
*did you forget the worlds still beleeding
(Typo spelling on last word.....) (and apostrophe needed ...world's...)
*and its not i that have needing
( apostrophe needed in " it's".......)
but todays song will be forgoten dong
(Today's....apostrophe again.... And spell "forgotten"....)
*and everyone loved is awaken
( maybe last word needed to made into "awakened"......)
Theme is wonderful of how yearning is rotted away by mediocrity. Good on you!
Pen on, poet.
Thanks for the share!
Cheers
Tidespotter
Great sentiment in first stanza.
Some small observations, if I may.
*everyones atention is taken
(Apostrophe needed, maybe....?)
( spell-check typo on second word)
*and its these outcast thats words will be whered
( apostrophe needed on word "it's". ......and not sure what last word is meant to be....?)
*did you forget the worlds still beleeding
(Typo spelling on last word.....) (and apostrophe needed ...world's...)
*and its not i that have needing
( apostrophe needed in " it's".......)
but todays song will be forgoten dong
(Today's....apostrophe again.... And spell "forgotten"....)
*and everyone loved is awaken
( maybe last word needed to made into "awakened"......)
Theme is wonderful of how yearning is rotted away by mediocrity. Good on you!
Pen on, poet.
Thanks for the share!
Cheers
Tidespotter
16th Jan 2013 9:57pm
