decisions

You swiftly slip Your hand under my hair  
tightly grabbing a fistful and forcing me to face You
demanding my full and undivided attention
demanding an answer from me
 
i made the mistake of turning away from You
when you asked me why i did what i did
pretending i hadn’t heard Your question
as i gazed off into the distance
 
You knew better
You knew there was nothing wrong with my ears
only my soul – my battered, tortured soul
the part of me that makes me want to hide
to run from You and live in my darkness
 
But You are right and You know it
You are simply trying to make me admit it
You are simply trying to make me act like it
 
“And why do you continue to make wrong decisions?”
“Because i am weak and cannot do better”
The look in your eyes as You yank my hair again
tells me this is not the answer You want from me
 
“Again,” You say quietly
“Why do you continue to make wrong decisions?”
“Because i want things to be easy  
Making the right decisions means work
Making the right decisions means pain”
 
My voice starts to crack slightly
i blink my eyes, fighting off the crying jag
that i feel building within me
 
“And why do you want things easy?”
“Because i am afraid of facing my fears”
“And why is that wrong?”
“Because my strength is greater than my fear
Because my strength is greater than my pain”
 
The words i know You want me to say are finally out
The words i know You want me to believe have been said
You could have said them yourself
but You know i need to hear them from myself
more than i need to hear them from another
 
“And how do you demonstrate that strength?”
“By making the right decisions instead of wrong ones”
“And what do you gain by making right decisions?”
“i gain self-respect, confidence, and personal growth”
 
You let go of my hair and stroke it gently  
i release the air i’ve held in my lungs and shiver  
the tears i fought spilling out at last  
 
Pulling me into your arms, You murmur reassurance
that You aren’t being cruel, only trying to teach me
teach me to be as strong as You know i am
teach to believe in myself as much as You do
It isn’t Your fault if i refuse to learn