Empathy lost

I've tried to find reasons to forgive many reasons to continue to give.  You have left me empty and broken inside running from the pain with nowhere to hide.  I love I loose time and again it seems that even now I cant keep a friend. Torn and tattered so hurt and alone I wail in the night can you hear me moan.  I call out to you and you don't hear a sound, Im in the next room but you would think I was far,  so sad so lonely this pain is profound.  My life has been nothing more than a nightmare.  I want to wake from this slumber that has kept me bound the nightmare where I scream in the night and no one is around.  Am I dreaming I wonder or have I died, is this hell that Im in it feels like it is.  I've tried to end this life that I perceived was real only to be unable to die... hmmmm I'm not alive I am dead how else would a bus stop on a dime after throwing myself in front of it "kill me kill me" I screamed and to no avail.  The bus did not kill me,  the attempt to cut myself, to drown, to poison myself and yet I continue on.  Is it hell? is it purgatory? am I with all the un baptised babies?  Born into a warped religion that believed this, it is no wonder my torment runs deep.  I want to be reborn to a body that feels alive that can experience love and happiness and all the good things that life can supposedly offer.  Happiness was not meant for me.  I live among the undead, the eccentric, the mentally depraved.  Empathy is gone for others as well as myself.  The curtain has closed the show is over